Why Am I The Way I Am?

Introduction

I disciple people. That means I work with people who come to an understanding that God wants something more from them, but they just can’t seem to put a finger on what that may be. I have done this for many years. As a result, some have gone on to become pastors, teachers, counselors, and more. One of those dear persons is Gilbert Dalli. Gil, as his friends call him, like everyone else I have counseled came to me with that desire burning in him, except that he (as with others) struggled with his “demons.” These “demons” are those things that you convince yourself are true about you. In the book of Proverbs, Chapter 23:7, we learn that a person can make certain internal decisions about himself. Once he has done that, he will become like that. He may say that he believes this way or that and even convince you that he believes this way or that, but with time, you will begin to notice that his actions do not agree with his words. The obvious truth at that moment will be that what he truly believes is different from what he tells himself.

Gilbert, like many of us, was dealt with a bad hand by life. He came to believe some lies about himself when he was young. Because he believed those lies, the process began to work in him. Little by little, Gil developed into the person his brain believed he wanted. As the Proverbs verse says, “For as a man thinks within himself, so is he.” The lies Gil had come to believe about himself eventually produced a man fraught with the circumstances of his life. One of the main results was that he had become an angry man. That anger blinded him from the possibility of productive personal change. While he kept himself successful at many of his ventures, Gil kept failing at the job of making his life healthy. Gil came to know Christ in his life as his Savior, but Gil kept struggling at allowing Jesus to become his Lord. This is the man that God led to me to disciple him. It is through working with him that helped me to better conceptualize this truth that I have known for years, but have not had the necessary understanding to explain to others. It seems that the student has helped the teacher learn a lesson.

People do what they do because they believe what they believe. It is not what they tell themselves or you that is necessarily the truth. Many of our decisions are done unconsciously. Let me give you a real example. From the time we are babies, a part of our brain starts working on us to help us deal with things in life. For example, a baby starts off flat on her back, unable to sit up or turn over. That part of our brain that works at shaping us and helping us deal with life circumstances kicks in and begins motivating the baby to move and attempt our actions. Without this, a baby (who doesn’t even know it is alive) would just lay there and do nothing. As this part of the brain produces the motivation for the baby to move, she will start attempting to crawl or roll over. What this did, is that it taught the baby to take action to achieve goals. The baby may notice a paper heart tied to a string on her crib. She thought she cannot yet think as you or I can, within herself she knows she wants to get it. The problem is that she is barely crawling. So that part of the brain will come up with ideas for her to try. Let’s say she notices the rails along the sides. That part of the brain will motivate her to reach for the rail and pull herself.

She has now learned a new way to manage her environment. Next, let's say she pulls herself and notices that she moved, that part of the brain will then put in her head the idea of pulling herself up towards the paper heart. With time, she will slowly pull herself up to a standing position. But let's say that the paper heart is further across the rails from her position. That part of the brain will then initiate in her the idea of moving her feet to get there. She will try, but fail a few times as she starts to strengthen her leg muscles and master moving her feet in the direction she wants. That part of the brain is teaching her to walk without her even being aware that the process is happening. From birth to the approximate age of six, this process will continue with that part of the brain teaching her how to deal with and manage her environment.

This process does not stop there; as she grows, she will encounter new situations and circumstances with which she must deal. With no idea of is happening to her, her entire life is being manipulated by that part of the brain which helps us find and develop ways to deal with life. This process works like that in every single human. We are all being manipulated by that part of the brain. The question that you should have is, “Is there anything I can do to do something about how that part of the brain manipulates my life?” Thankfully the answer is yes. As a matter of fact, once you learn this truth, you can begin producing different and healthier results in your life that will better your situations and circumstances.

What is the Process?

First, let’s understand the process a bit better. The question I first had was, “What is it that controls what the process will attempt to manifest in a person?” With careful thought and research, I came to the conclusion that it is driven by the goals we set for ourselves. No, I am not saying that if you make a list of some goals you would like to achieve in your lifetime that the process will just kick in and start helping you achieve them. This process is prompted by the real desires we have within ourselves. Keep in mind the baby, she didn’t even know she was alive yet she wanted to do more than lie there and that was enough for that part of the brain to kick in and start working. The process is prompted by really want, not by what you say you want.

For example, let’s take a cocaine addict. I used to be a cocaine addict. I know why someone misuses illegal drugs. But, for our example at the moment, let’s begin with a person who is still not a drug addict. Let’s choose Frank. His parents were killed in a car accident when Frank was much younger. Frank’s initial response to their deaths was to panic. He reacted to the deaths by recognizing that he was now alone (without his parents). His response was to become afraid that he could also be seriously hurt or killed. That part of the brain that helps us deal with our lives kicked in and motivated him to begin avoiding anything that he could sense as dangerous. He did not want to go outside or interact with others. To promote his imagined protective state, the process motivated him to develop unconscious anger towards others. By doing this, the process enhances his imagined desire to protect himself from harm. It accomplishes this by promoting Frank to alienate himself from others. Without even being conscious of the process, Frank has now developed an unhealthy means of handling relationships. The obvious result will be that Frank will fail at relationships, leaving him feeling that indeed others wish him harm.

One of the possible results here will be that he will also retreat from life in general by using drugs. Once Frank takes a hit of cocaine, several chemicals that his brain produces will kick in as well (dopamine, adrenaline, endorphin, and more), all at the same time. The result will be to give him such a sense of well-being, false as it may be, that Frank will choose to repeat the behavior. As he continues to use his drug of choice (and that may include things like alcohol, pornography, and other obsessive addictive behavior) that part of the brain that helps us deal with life will interpret this to mean that this is what Frank wants. Just as with the baby in the crib, the “process” does not know the difference between good or bad, right or wrong, up or down.

There is only one thing that decides in what direction the process takes the person and that depends on what the person most truly believes he or she wants to achieve. Matthew 6:21 makes it clear that “where your heart is, there your heart will be also.” This clearly means that what we decide is the real thing we need, whether we are conscious of the decision or not, will become the thing we truly want. For example, if Frank gets rejected by Linda, he could easily decide that there must be something wrong with him. He may decide that he is not man enough, so then that part of the brain will take this as a command to create this in Frank. He will then start to develop tendencies of timidity and fear of relationships. Little by little he will start to withdraw from others. Eventually, all his relationships will become unhealthy and possibly dangerous for him.

As I mentioned before it is more than making a list of desires and goals. I am speaking of whatever it is that we want or need more than anything else. In this case, as it is with most people, the person does not even know this process is taking place within them. Most people just assume that they are just the way they are. They don’t believe that there is something that might be molding and shaping them into who they have become.

Much of what a person would call just them being themselves is actually how they were shaped and formed by their brain according to the instructions the brain receives by what the person truly wants or needs. It would be great to say that all someone had to do was say, “I want to be a millionaire” and the brain would just kick right in and start making changes in the person which would bring about that possibility. The truth here is deeper than that. Most of us go through life wishing for things, or that things would be better, or at least not as bad as they are. Too many people live in a world of dreams and desires, but if “push comes to shove” (as we say in Dallas, Texas) they will not continue or, at the least, not make the effort.

True change comes about by being willing to pay the price. Very little in life comes without cost or some sacrifice. The above “Process” is a very real and effective tool for anyone who comes to an understanding of how it works and then chooses to apply the necessary effort to use it to their benefit and success. In the following chapter, I will focus more on what we must do and how we can best use this gift from God to our advantage, and to His Glory.

How Does It Work?

To begin with, I must focus on what it is that can change the course of our life onto a different and healthier direction. Luke 12:34 (NASB) says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” In other words, that which you value the most is what will drive your desires. You can tell yourself that you want this or that or that you do not want this or that, but that does not mean that that is actually what deep down inside you truly want. The truth will be found out in your choices. For example, a fat man can say, “I really, really, really, want to lose weight.” But, his decision to eat that extra piece of pizza is in actuality what he truly wants (to eat more). Therefore, he will continue to perpetuate behavior which will either add to his weight or at the least keep him from losing any weight at all. We all lie to ourselves at times, that is why four times in the Bible we find the warning: “Do not be deceived.” Believing our own lies, or the lies that others tell us that agree with our deepest desires is not a difficult concept to believe or understand.

I refer to this as the “Shiny Object Mentality.” By this, I refer to those things in life which draw our attention and seem desirable. Who hasn’t thought about being rich, unless you already are, right? Who hasn’t thought of love and romance? There are many things in this life that are desirable, or at the very least catch out attention. As a counselor, I have encountered people who are so angry with life because they don’t have those things which others do. To them, it is so unfair that “life” has “cheated” them of all those nice things. These are those people who want something badly but deep inside they are not truly willing to pay the price which may come with obtaining those “shiny things.” On top of that, in the case of most people, we do not really even need all those “shiny things.” We can live happy productive lives with what God puts into our hands. One example in the Bible of this is found in Philippians 4:12 (NASB) where Paul, the Apostle says, “I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.” In the book of Philippians, chapter 4, verse 11 (NASB), Paul tells us what the secret is, “Not that I speak from want (that is, what he does not have or need), for I have learned to be content (satisfied, if that is all I have at the moment) in whatever circumstances I am.

Instead of seeking after “Shiny Objects,” our best chance of succeeding in obtaining something is to have the attitude that the Apostle Paul had. If you can become content with what God puts into your hands, then you will never in your life lack anything of real value. If the one hundred dollars God puts into your hands is fine, then your “treasure” will not be those 300 million dollars that the Lottery promises. You won’t spend your days desiring what you don’t have and cannot get, instead, you will be living in a “peace that passes understanding” (Philippians 4:7).

To get a good grip on this concept of how our brain molds and shapes us we must first get a better overview. In the following graphic, I have illustrated how this process works.

As you can see above, it begins with a deep seated belief within you. This may be a need you have come to believe must be met, or it can come in the form of a decision you made about yourself. Either way, whether you are conscious of it or not, you send a signal to your brain to begin working on this. The result will be that your brain will start producing a change in you. This change can come in the form of new characteristics, personality changes, starting, ending, or modifying any habits, and even establishing new beliefs. All of these, or even just some, are enough to change you completely from who you were to who you have become.

Why do we have this capability built into us, what is it supposed to do? That’s the question, right? I believe that the intent of God for giving us this powerful tool is so that we can use it to produce a change in ourselves that can be healthier and give us a chance for happiness in this life. But, as it is with any tool, it can be used for good or bad. The problem is that the good or bad results are directed at ourselves. If we use it to develop certain abilities or skills which we then misuse, then we may find ourselves the target of other people. We may draw negative interactions with others that can harm us, and it will have been our own fault, though it may not look like it to us.

We didn’t God just tell us that this tool is in us and that we can use it? Proverbs 25:2 (NASB) says, “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter.” God set it up this way so that with time and experience we would come to understand this process so that we could take control of how our lives develop. As Christians, we can agree that God’s reason for putting this tool within us was, “so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:10).

Each one of us has dealt with the personal struggle as to how good of a Christian we really are. We have had successes and failures in our walk with God. I am sure that at times some of us may even have questioned our salvation. And, why might that have been the case? Because we worked at changing and living right according to our own strength and abilities. The problem is that when we convince ourselves that we are the ones responsible for changing ourselves, we deceive ourselves. In that case, no matter how hard we try we will have sporadic successes and many failures. In too many cases, it is those failures which eventually win over.

What if you did not have to change yourself? What if change came about in you without too much effort on your part? Yeah, that would make things a bit easier right? Well, just like that baby who did not have to think about every little new thing that she had to learn (because then she would never have learned to live in this life), the same is true of you. If you could just turn on the learning thing and place it on automatic, then you would be able to focus the rest of your consciousness on other healthier things. This is what is supposed to happen once we learn how to use this “tool” which God gave us. If we can come to accept this is real and learn to use it effectively, we will start to notice changes in ourselves that will seem as though they appeared all on their own. They will not, of course, we will be responsible for any and all change in us, but the pressure of making ourselves change will almost be eliminated.

Does it work for everyone or only specific people?

Both are true. It works in every human on earth, whether they are conscious of it or not. As I pointed out earlier, this process starts working in us from the moment we are born. So, from that point of view, this process works for everyone. On the other hand, if the question is if everyone is using it in a manner which gives them conscious control over their own learning and development process, then the answer is “only specific people.” The question we must ask ourselves is actually, “Am I in the first group or the second one?”

The difference will be determined by how you approach this matter. The real question to someone like myself is not whether this process works, how it works, or what the benefit to me might be, I want to know how to get it working for me immediately. I am willing to do whatever it takes to succeed, improve myself, become more productive, and help others along the way. So, if you are anything like me or even if you are not, but are ready for real change in your life, then let’s see how this process works.

I believe that you and I have come to an agreement that this process is already active in babies. I think you agree with me that there is no reason to believe that this process turns off just because someone reaches a particular age. I also think you agree that if this “process” is as real as I claim, then it is probably the most powerful “tool” available to us for change and prosperity. But, what makes the difference? As I said above, “How you approach this matter.

So, does someone just “decide” that they want to change and change will happen? Yes and No. As I said earlier, it is not that someone just says or thinks that they want to change, the question is going to be more about how determined you are. Remember that the process is triggered by what we truly believe is a want or need. In a real sense, you have to “know” that this need or that want is real. In the case of the baby girl, because she did not know she was even alive, she did not also have the capability to reason out why she wanted the paper heart, she just knew that she had to have it. Secondly, she had to give in to the desire to meet that want. If the baby had just started at the heart and made no effort to move at all, then we could easily understand that she truly did not want it. So, if we truly want or need something we will also make whatever effort is required to work toward success.

In the Bible, there is a verse in James which speaks of faith. Chapter 2, verse 17, says, “Even so faith, if it has not works, is dead, being by itself.” The use a modern paraphrase, “If all that someone does is believe in something and tell themselves that what they believe is true, and, but they make no practical effort and nor take action to prove what they say they believe, then their belief is useless and will produce nothing in the lives. Belief alone can do nothing.”

If someone makes a decision that change must happen in their life, and they begin taking whatever steps are required to produce that change, then the process kicks in and takes over and starts producing that change in us. No, I am not saying, implying, or anything like that, that there is some magical occurrence that takes place in us. When I use the word “process” I truly mean that it is a process. Processes take time. On the other hand, I am saying that your brain will take over the process after you kick it in, and it will relieve you of the conscious effort of forcing change on yourself.

Trust Is a Necessary Component

The process requires trust on your part. The baby girl was not able to trust consciously in the process to help her get to the paper heart. But, the fact that she could also not doubt the effort permitted the process to work unencumbered. Any doubt on her part would have ended her desire for the heart because the doubt itself would have been proof that she did not truly want or need to get to the heart. Thankfully, on her part, that she was unable to doubt.

Children approach life more innocently than grownups. For the most part, if they are told something is true, and if the trust the person who is speaking to them, they will automatically believe what they are told. In their case, the process is able to work unfettered to do its thing. The problem, in the case of children, is that they are not always conscious enough to avoid negative and harmful thoughts and decisions. On the other hand, it is like them that God wants us to come to believe in Him. Matthew 18:3 (NASB) speaks of this. It says, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” The reason the Lord said it that way is that He was making a point. First of all, Jesus was not telling us that we had to become children again. What He was saying is that we needed to believe what He was saying to us to the point that we trusted that what He said was true. You see, once we trust someone, we will do what they ask us do. If you don’t trust someone you will not do what they ask you to do.

The question which should be in your mind at this point should be, “What is trust? What do I have to do to prove I trust?” Consider this, in Proverbs 3:5-6 (NASB), it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” This verse will help us get a good idea of what it means to trust God. After I read this verse for the first time, I asked myself “How does anyone ‘trust’ God with ‘all’ their heart?” Well, the verse itself gave me the answer “do not lean on your own understanding.” In other words, do not do things only in the way I think is right. That was helpful to me, but if I did not do things the way I thought were right, then how was I supposed to do things? Well, the first part of verse six answered that question for me “In all your ways acknowledge Him.” I immediately understood that the verse was telling me that when I whenever I made any decisions that I considered important, I should also consider how God felt about that matter or subject.

Once I understood all the above, I found my answer to what it means to “trust” God. It means that I will read and study His Word and learn How He feels about a given subject or topic or issue I am concerned with before I take any action, and even then, to choose to handle the circumstances as He would want. If I did things this way, I would always be proving that I trusted God, and especially, that I understood what trust was, to begin with.

So, will this process work for you? Yes. But then, it is going to work in your life whether you consciously participate or not. The difference will be that if you are not consciously controlling what triggers the process, then you are just a victim to whatever hidden and deep-seated fears and doubt plague your life. These will be the things which will keep triggering the process in you.

Be Proactive

You must be proactive in remolding and reshaping your life by making clear choices and decision about where you want to head with any changes you may begin in yourself. If you start by carefully considering the direction in which you want to head and begin imagining the possibilities, then you will trigger your brain to start producing in you those changes which will be necessary to succeed. Remember, trust is the key. See yourself as God sees you and start believing that His Word is true and you will start to trust that those changes can be real in you. By doing this, you will begin to take control of the process and change your life.

How do I give God control over the process in my life?

By this point, I think that you have a good understanding of the concept of this process. You may even have already begun thinking of changes you would like to cultivate in yourself. I want to offer one more consideration in the implementation of the process at this point. That consideration is Jesus. As I described in the last chapter, you can be proactive in remolding and reshaping your life. In this chapter, I am going to encourage you to go one step further. I am going to encourage you to allow Jesus the opportunity to bring those changes about in you by using His Holy Spirit to, as it were, program your brain so that the changes which come about will be those which the Lord wants in and for you.

After David was confronted by the prophet about his sin with Bathsheba, he offered up a prayer unto the Lord concerning his guilt. In Psalm 51:10 David cries to the Lord saying, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Think about what David begged the Lord to do in him and ask yourself how God would bring that about. Sure, the easy quick answer is usually that God can snap His fingers and whatever He wants to happen will. But, ask yourself this, how many people do you know or have known, or even heard about, that made big and drastic changes in their lives at the speed of a finger snapping? That’s right, probably none.

On the other hand, every single Christian has gone through experiences in their walk with God that produced changes in their very character knows it was not instantaneous. In some cases, the process was slower and in other cases quicker.

The Bible speaks of this process differently. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, we are told that “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” Any believer in Christ will agree with the sentiment of the verse while still questioning how much of a “new creation” they actually are. The reason for this will be because we view that verse from the perspective of humans, while God makes the declaration in His Word from the point of view that He can bring it about. He trusts in His own process. Even the Bible does not make any overly lofty assertions, the Scriptures teach us that being a “new creation” is a process that God is taking us through.

For example, in the book of Philippians 3:12-14 (NASB), it says, “Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Do you see? Paul does not claim that just because he believed in the Christ that this alone meant he was already changed and perfect, he recognized that there was a process. And, though he did not call it such, his words make it clear he understood as much. Notice, “I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal.” Like him, you must also “forget what lies behind.” This means that you stop repeating the same old lies which you have run through your head all your life about all that is wrong with you. Begin telling yourself the truth about how God feels about you. In that manner, you will start to trust Him and the more you trust Him the better your brain will understand that these are the new instructions for what changes to produce in you.

You will be able to trust that God means it when He says something like “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh,” Ezekiel 36:26 (NASB). God wants you to change, but He does not want you to make the changes, He wants you to let him change you. He knows how to do that the right way and how quickly any change must come about. He will not put undue pressure on you but instead, produce the necessary changes at the right time and in the right way. Hebrews 12:2 makes this even clearer, it states that it is Jesus who is the “author and perfecter of faith.” This means that it is Jesus who starts the right work in you and that it is also He who “perfects” (that is He continues to work on it until it is perfect) that work in you. He needs you to trust Him and not fight Him as He does His work in you.

Your “job” will be to learn and trust. Learn the Word of God and trust that He will produce changes in you that will bring glory to His name. In Philippians 1:6, that promise is reiterated “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” If you give God control over the process of change in you, He will bring about a new you, a “New Creation” in Christ. Trust Him as He says “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you,” Psalm 32:8 (NASB).

So now, what Does God want me to do with this knowledge?

Share it with others. That’s right, share it with others. Now that you have come to understand this process of change and especially if you implement it in your life, you will start seeing changes in you that glorify God. If that is true, you will want to share that knowledge with others so that they also can begin the process in their lives with the help of the Holy Ghost.

According to the Bible, we never really have anything of value until we give it away. Luke 6:38 (NASB) teaches a valuable lesson “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.” In other words, you get what you give and you give what you get. As God continues His changes in your life you also give those changes away to others. The way you do this is you share what you learn as you change. The idea is not that you have to be “perfect” and know everything before you can teach others. No, sir or mam, the Christian walk is an OJT (on-the-job training) plan. What little you learn from the changes you will be experiencing is exactly what you can teach others to do in their lives. Remember, your job is not to teaching them how to change, but, instead, how to allow God through the Holy Spirit to change them.

In the case of this process, the lesson you and they need to learn is to trust God’s Word and allow Him to change you by not fighting Him with doubts. As we have already pointed out, there is not magic going on here. Your job is to help others realize that they can turn this changing business over to the One who knows what He is doing and can get the job done right. In the Luke verse, when it speaks of giving, it is not speaking of money. It is speaking of how we treat others. Do we criticize others, are we judgmental, do we have mercy on others or do we hold grudges, and so forth? The word “give” speaks of what we share with others. Of all the things which we can consider giving to someone else, there is nothing greater, more beneficial, and longer lasting, than to help them learn the Word of God in a way that is clear enough to understand.

There are many ways to share what you will learn as God changes you. You can start a blog, post messages on your social media, get training to become a teacher, preacher, and so on. You can just share this knowledge with your friends while getting together for fun activities. If you struggle with speaking to others, pray and ask God to make that one of the changes He brings about in you. Regardless of which way seems best for you to share this knowledge with others, find a way. Don’t forget, “We get what we give away.”

Last Word

As the understanding of this natural process of change became clearer in my mind, I became more and more excited. Just by understanding how this works in our lives it helps me understand many verses and phrases in the Bible so much better. For example, Romans 12:2 has always been one of my overall favorite references in the Scriptures (NASB) “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Basically, I have always felt I had a good grasp on its meaning and application. But, after working out this process and understanding how it brings change about in our lives, I know understand better what the verse means by “pattern of this world.” Now, I understand this to include making a conscious effort to manipulate the change processing part of the brain so that I allow God to “program” what He feels I need to change.

The “renewing of the mind” now (to me) clearly means to stop believing the lies of my “past” life which have brought about negative and unhealthy behaviors, characteristics, personality traits and so forth, in my life. The opposite now means learning to trust God that He will bring about the changes He wants and that will be to my benefit. This seems clear to me that will lead to that “transformation” which will help me “prove” the will of God for my life. This is exciting!

I do hope you have reached the same conclusion and that you will join me on the journey of turning our whole selves to God. As it says in the first verse of the same chapter in Romans, “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.”

May God richly bless you as your soul prospers. Amen!