I Love You, my Friend. Take This Red Pill

When it's time to reveal withheld information regarding gender identity, it can be difficult, but if this is about how you feel, then I must tell you how I feel. Truthfully, whole heartedly, and honestly. This is my response to a dear friend, who I hope to help. I hope this message can inspire positive change in others, especially in the deepest reaches of your heart. Please read with an open mind, I promise it has meaning and purpose. 

A close friend of mine told me about her desire to change her sexual identity, but my response was the last thing she expected, but nontheless, important. Here is my response:

You know, if changing your gender facade is what it’s going to take to make you happy, then go ahead and try it. I don’t believe it will change anything because I have watched your heart for a long time. But if this is what it’s going to take to prove to yourself what makes you happy, then by all means, go ahead and try it. I don’t want to support a failed emotional response after having told you that it might not work like you intended it to. Most people who are convinced to do a gender bender regret making the decision, and as much as I want to believe you’re different than everyone else, I can’t.

I can’t because your viewpoints, emotions and dilemmas are exact replicas of all the trans mistake stories I’ve ever heard. All of them. At least for a man transitioning to a woman, the surgery is more dire and intensive than it would be for a woman, so I’m not terribly worried about what you’re about to do to your body for your mind. I want to encourage you to do what you want.

When you said you were upset and you felt that all of your interactions with everyone was seemingly based on superficial bull shit, and how it upset you? How seemingly all interactions were based primarily on sex, and how meaningless and impersonal that felt? I remember you mentioning you wished you had no body and that you didn’t want anything to do with having a physical form because you wished you could get around superficial ideas and superficial interactions. But now, you want to change your superficial facade based on sex and you somehow believe that this will “release” you from your own emotional turmoil. Well, these pieces of logic don’t add up. If you want to stop being friends with me, that’s your choice, not mine and not even my words.

You know, you say that it wouldn’t matter if you died, and you wished someone cared about you if you died, but the issue with that is the “caring” part. Like in what ways have I not shown an endless sacrifice for absolutely no reason? Because, I could care less if I died, and I’m still happy. Why? Because I’m at peace with death, at peace with reality, and at peace with the odds of existing. What ways do you want me to care that I haven’t already?

I feel like you’re looking for more than what I can offer, and it doesn’t feel fair or reasonable. I’m used to the idea that you’re always upset, depressed, angry, etc. I don’t know why, it doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve tried for years to understand it, and I can’t. And for your information, I’ve written works on time space continuum’s, taught people spiritual tricks that still amaze me, convinced multimillionaires that their productions were trashed and proved them that I was correct and won. Your unhappiness however goes beyond logic. If there was a real reason for it, I know I would have found a real solution for it, but this premise of unhappiness has no foundation in reality. At least to my knowledge and awareness.

Your unhappiness is situational; extremely situational. You gave your power to the world outside of you to control your internal world. And it makes no sense, but you can only say and do so much until you hit a brick wall and this is one of many, many, many brick walls of which I’ve discovered. Logic doesn’t work. When you’re upset and I’m supporting you, nothing seems to ever work and it seems that nothing good ever comes out of it. It’s as if you crave an endless external person to nurture your internal pains.

If this is true, then I have to admit that it is by far the most self centered, selfish, and evil cause that I have ever witnessed. I hope to God you can be there for yourself because you won’t let anyone else be there for you, no one, no matter what. So when you’re sad, I must learn to watch your sadness unfold and do its thing because it’s a battle you have created, a problem you will not let go of and relax on. So it’s all you, for you, about you, in your own way.

And here is my way, communicating to you again. You again, as usual, will reject me with your anger, your pain, and your dilemma. As if I can’t “accept you” for who you are, but the thing is, you have shown me who you are and we are still friends to this day. Who you are is damaged and hurt (apparently). Upset continuously for reasons that will never make any sense to me, and that’s fine. I’m used to the constant bombardment of depression and sadness. It’s always been there, moving through phases of deep sorrow with situational series of temporary happiness, but always right back into sadness.

And I know it hasn’t changed, and when it does, it’s always temporary. I know that it sounds like I’m upset and that I’m trying to put you down, but I don’t know what puts you “up” because not even you have revealed to me a positive interaction where you can exist in happiness without the absolute need for someone to nurture you on levels unforeseen and unknown in ways that seem to never truly satisfy you.

Like I once gave up completely and said “I’m tired of your depressed ass” and I left you in the “Ganja Gallery” crying because I can’t convince you to accept yourself no matter what. I don’t think you will accept yourself even as a man because the issue exists not in reality. It exists as a secret that only you know. I know for a fact that the superficial change will not affect the internal “you”. If this is the “fix” then go ahead and do it, but I will have to admit that your swings of depression are in fact getting worse. I’m not sure why, but I’m hoping a solution can be found somewhere.

And it doesn’t matter if people see you as a man or a woman, you’ll always be you. The same you, always. And because of that, those turmoils will remain with you. The world should not dictate how you feel.

And it doesn’t. It’s you who believes that it dictates how you feel, and I guess it wouldn’t matter who told you this message, what their intentions were with this message, or what their relationship to you was in regards to this message. Either way, you’ll reject the idea because you don’t *BELIEVE* that this is true. And that’s fine, because truth cannot hide forever.

We’ll find out, and it’s not like I care, I did my best part and told you every bit of wisdom that I have. What you decide from here, for whatever reason, it is your decision and the outcome is in your hands. If you make a decision and it doesn’t work, there is no one to blame, absolutely no one but yourself. You are in control of your destiny. I know where mine is. I hope you have fun on this crazy journey but I really, truly do not want to have to say “I told you so”.

I need to tell you the truth, because a long time ago I had a weird mental haunch that you wanted this, and for what reasons too. But I rejected that idea and I dismissed it as crazy and selfish. The same haunch I had when you said “I have something to tell you.” but never did. I had a haunch that it was about you being madly in love with me, and as usual I dismissed that idea and haunch as crazy, unfounded and selfish. I couldn’t believe that you could believe I was madly in love with you, because you know I'm not straight. How could you even consider the idea? But the truth is, those haunches were spot on. It’s not fair that I had those haunches and dismissed them but also more unfair that you put your pain upon me for your reasons.

No one should have to suffer because another can’t “help themselves” especially when you know better. That’s quite literally the definition of evil “Causing ruin, injury or pain; harmful: the evil effects of a poor diet” and “Morally bad or wrong: wicked” and “Wicked: evil by nature and in practice.” The mere fact that your internal dilemmas are thrust upon everyone and causes them suffering and hurt, of which could be solved on your own, in your own mind goes to show that you have blamed the world for your suffering in some way or another.

It isn’t the world’s fault for your troubles. Am I trying to make you suffer? No. If I didn’t care at all, I wouldn’t have sent you any of this. And it hurts that I have to say this to safeguard myself. I don’t hate you, I don’t want to hurt you, but despite all of that, you are always hurt. It’s hard to prevent myself from internalizing your pain as somehow my responsibility, because it isn’t my responsibility for how you go out into the world and feel the world. I always do what I know is best, and that’s it.

And I know you’re going to flat out tell me that the reason you’re depressed is because you’re not a man. We both know that’s not the reason. But if you want to prove to me that that is the reason, then time will reveal if that is in fact true, because your happiness will show to everyone. It will show for the rest of your life. And if this gender identity switch has no effect on your happiness, then I’ll have said “I told you so”. In the process you’ll also have a denatured body built to look like a biological man, because this is how you “feel”. Will everyone agree? Maybe, but then again I’m quite the effeminate man, opposite as you are a woman to other stereotypes. I don’t want to change who I am, because I do love who I am, regardless of the haters.

I was born this way, and I’m not going to change that fact. Maybe I’ll pluck my eyebrows, shave my face and wear clothes, but I’m not going to chop off my dick or breasts. For who? Who am I? Mental denial of my being? No. I accept myself and so should you. ***Who you are is more complex than an idea or an appearance.***

And as usual, just as it’s happened before over and over again, you’ll reject my message. I know there’s no point in trying to reach out, but I have nothing to lose and all I want is to see you happy. And if you don’t want to be my friend, that's alright, because I know you feel strongly about this. Just like my previous abusive relationships, I couldn’t get along because he didn’t want to hear what I had to say, and unfortunately, you do the same thing. The only difference between you and him is that you’re much better at acting as if it mattered, acting as if you received my message, but there’s nothing to show for it.

There’s nothing to show for it at all.

And I want to blame myself, but when I try it’s almost laughable. For instance “I’m a worthless douche-bag.” How can I validate that, because it makes absolutely no sense. Take another statement for instance “I’m a terrible human being and friend.”Again, this is so far from reality that it’s laughable. And it’s laughable to me that you believe that your happiness is in the hands, minds, and reality of everything except for yourself. You have the power to make whatever emotion you want. When you realize that, and know that, truly deep down in your heart and being, then nothing can get inbetween you and your liberation from any idea, judgment, hater or anything else. That’s the best feeling anyone could ever have. But what’s the point?

I could say this endlessly for all eternity and there is still this horrible feeling that your unhappiness will never change until you get what you oh-so-desperately want. You’ll allow yourself to suffer until you’ve gotten what you want; but you know what’s really funny? It won’t change your heart. Your heart will set its eyes on the next prize, and lets say you get what you want, and you get everything anyone could ever want in the whole wide world, still none of it will change your heart.

Let the record spin forever.

And don’t just pretend to accept my message on surface value. You have never accepted any of the messages that I’ve ever sent you because in one way or another, you go back to where you were, comfortably depressed and sad about not having what you want. And I don’t believe that’s going to change now or ever. But I have accepted you, I don’t want anything more than what you can give, and I would hope that you could return the favor.

The only things I ask is based primarily on logic and reality. Dishes for instance, that’s a reality that exists. It’s there and there is no running away from it. Or what about cleanliness, health, nature or anything else that is impossible to deny? But the fact that emotions are under your watch, your control within your being are all denied and ignored. And you could deny all eternity and believe that everything around you has forced you into some kind of depressed position. Well, because you can’t shake this belief, you will almost always and for all eternity suffer for the way the world is… naturally.

Naturally it is not the world that causes emotions to occur in your free will conscious mind. It is you who believes otherwise that has created more suffering in yourself than anything else, and it rests on a simple and unshakable belief.

I feel like this is the logic that perpetuates this belief: “The world controls you, and because of this, it has wronged you. You believe you do not deserve poor treatment.” Unfortunately, reality doesn’t even inherently deserve to exist and nor does anything else, and to consider yourself inherently valuable to something of which has created you from mere coincidence is an inherently flawed idea that does not reflect the nature of reality.

You exist, and existence is difficult. Therefore, because of its inherent difficulty, it cannot allow existence to exist without playing by its own rules, and survival and biology are very much a part of reality and its difficulties. It must experience reality and it will experience reality. The only difference between you and that fact is that you don’t want difficulty, and run from it because you believe there is some kind of trick or thing that you can do to outsmart it. But that will never happen.

And reality doesn’t care who you are, everyone all across the universe are dealing with reality too. Some are better at it, and it would looks as if they are simply more happy and more successful. The only difference is one has swallowed the red pill so to speak, and the other has not. Ironically the one who has not swallowed the red pill has a case of the “blues”.

Those who cause suffering only propagate more suffering and must face their darkness at one point or another.

You cannot run from reality forever.

It will break you or make you.

But most importantly, you cannot be made without it.