Monday Jokes!

Guy-Speak!

"I'M GOING FISHING" 
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
 Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" 
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" 
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." 
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". 
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." 
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." 
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". 
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great boobs."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." 
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." 
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" 
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" 
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" 
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK" 
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Four Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years are reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."



The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."



The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."



The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"



One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"



The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." 

The three friends said sypathetically: "What a shame...what a disappointment it must be for you."



The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. Why should I be, He's my son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too badly either.

 

"His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends."