Monday Jokes

The General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. 

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. 



One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." 



After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. 

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." 



A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. 

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. 



An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" 



"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. 



"Yes I have, General, but not with a battery.”

Alaskan Birthday Party

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there. 

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5... 



"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." 



As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." 



Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." 



Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 



Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." 



"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

 

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".