Is it a Bad Thing to be Really 'Needy'​ in a Relationship?

In a single answer, NO. If you are regarded as 'needy' by the person you are with, or you regard a date/partner as too needy for you, you are in the wrong relationship.

I once went to a seminar, mainly to see how other people talk about relationships. But I wanted to scream out half-way into the event when one of the presenters (who obviously knew very little about the subject!) started telling everyone how we shouldn't be too 'needy', especially women. "It isn't attractive, and men hate that", she informed us helpfully! What nonsense, I thought to myself, and walked out soon afterwards when it was clear that the presentation was long on speculation and subjectivity, but pretty short on real knowledge.

The starting point in any relationship is that we all have needs when it comes to others. That is why Nature made us in such a way that we have to relate to each other, both in the physical and emotional ways we complement one another. We cannot exist by ourselves, otherwise we would simply go mad through isolation, loneliness and a feeling of having no value. Our validation, identity and existence come through the presence and acknowledgment of others. Hence we always have a need for interacting with other people in some way, no matter the extent we feel is appropriate for us.

If we are 'needy', it is simply that our needs have been interpreted by other people as more extensive than their own, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when we are mismatched with someone whose needs are far less, and who finds our expectations and behaviour overwhelming. But when we find someone who is equally 'needy', wanting everything we've got to give, and reciprocating in turn, it is a match made in heaven!

Second, people who have been abused in their life tend to be high on the 'needy' scale, wanting carers rather than lovers. If they find a caring type who wants to look after them, bingo! No problems in that. 

Relationships depend on one key thing to be successful:MUTUAL ALIGNMENT. Most relationships present no problems at all if we could only find the person that matches up, or aligns, with us in four key personal areas:

1. VALUES


2. EXPECTATIONS


3. CAPACITY TO LOVE

4. ASPIRATIONS

Where we seem to be highly mismatched most of the time is in Item 3: Capacity to Love.

For example, people who have had little affection from parents and others tend to find it hard to reciprocate when they meet very loving people. Not having been affirmed themselves, they are often mean with outward praise, displays of affection, and letting the other person feel really valued and desired. For those reasons, they would not share expectations or aspirations, hence the ensuing disappointment that is bound to arise in the relationship once the honeymoon period is over.

Second, people who have been abused in their life tend to be high on the 'needy' scale, wanting carers rather than lovers. If they find a caring type who wants to look after them, bingo! No problems in that. Finally, people who fear the development of their relationships, who are seeking perfection in them, and wish to control them to avoid being hurt, would also be 'needy' in assurance and guarantees. They would be constantly on alert for the possible failure they expect. Their 'need' is difficult to meet because it requires guarantees that are often impossible to give. However, matched up with a similar fearful person, that relationship could work, as they would feed off each other's fears. But that kind of need would irritate someone who was less fearful, like me, and wanted things to unfold instead of making assumptions.

The most successful relationships thrive on sincerity and expressiveness, i:e, being ourselves. By being exactly who you are and showing your particular need, you are more likely to attract the right kind of people for you, the ones who want a similar kind of feedback, but you will also repel those who don't like it. If you hide your true self at the beginning, in order to appear different from how you are, or to please someone else's expectations, you are likely to attract the wrong type who is expecting the false you. Not surprisingly, further down the line, when the pretence is over, there would be rude surprises in store for all. They might suddenly discover how 'needy' you are!

It means you can be as 'needy' as you like. That's you being authentic and sincere. You just need the right partner, who wants exactly that, to appreciate it.

My current boyfriend and I spend hours, literally, just hugging and being close. It feels like heaven to us, as it's what we both want. Loving hugs as I do, if I was with someone who didn't like to hug, he would think I was rather 'needy', while I might think he was cold and uncaring.

The simple message here is that there is no such thing as being 'needy'! That's a subjective judgement often made by others who find the needs of dates/ partners difficult to deal with, and, instead, use a veil of superiority to cope with them. It means you can be as 'needy' as you like. That's you being authentic and sincere. It just takes the right partner, who wants exactly that, to appreciate it.

Don't allow yourself to be labelled with false terms to suit other people's inadequacies and insecurities. If you are constantly being told that you are 'too needy' by the person you are with, you need to get out of their orbit, fast, and find someone who matches your needs better; one who really wishes to celebrate you as you are, and truly share in whatever you have to give. That is the best kind of reciprocal relationship one can have.

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