Insecurity: Why do I feel The Way I do?

(A reader's question: I lack confidence in every aspect of my life. It's not that I don't know who I am, or what I want, but at times, fear overtakes me and I let it control my destiny. I have never been the most beautiful woman in the room, I have never been the most successful person at the office, and I have certainly never believed in myself enough to stand up for myself and walk away from a bad relationship. How can I change those negative feelings?)

A. The basic reason why people lose confidence in themselves, and feel insecure is because they are seeking approval with a vain desire for perfection. It stems from a lack of reinforcement, either in childhood or in their relationships, especially from the significant others who matter to them. This causes them to doubt themselves, and feel perennially inadequate.

For example, how do you know you are not the most beautiful, or successful, person in the room? You could be, but your invisible critic immediately assumes you're not.

You feel that way constantly, which only increases your insecurity, and reduces your self-esteem, because you are judging beauty and success by someone else's yardstick, comparing yourself to a highly flawed version of both. Yet no one has a monopoly on those two attributes. If you feel beautiful, you are, and if you feel successful, you are. It is entirely up to you how you perceive yourself, and up to others to accept or reject your definitions. But you can never compare yourself with another, because no two persons on earth are alike in every way. You can only aim for excellence in yourself, according to the standards you have set for yourself. Otherwise you will ALWAYS be found wanting when you use others as the litmus test for your own actions.

You are the one who dictate how you feel each day by the quality of your thoughts, and you can change them by focusing on what is positive and enjoyable about your life, rather than what you think is missing.

The first law of confidence is to LOVE yourself. Be happy with who you are, what you have, and what you've been blessed with, which many people haven't got. Try to reach outward to others to encourage and empower them, not just focus on yourself. That approach will reduce your own self-consciousness and reinforce your sense of worth, because your impact will encourage them to also appreciate the awesome person you are, and give you a feeling of fulfilment in your life.

Most important, try to reduce the negative thoughts you tell yourself. You are the one who dictate how you feel each day by the quality of your thoughts, and you can change them by focusing on what is positive and enjoyable about your life, rather than what you think is missing. After all, if you knew that you had only seven more days to live, would you have those negative thoughts, or would you seek to make the most of every precious day?

And how do you know you don't have just seven more days? Don't take your life for granted.

Finally, accept your shortcomings as the necessary balance to your strengths, and be proud of them too. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to anyone else, while you seek perfection, and you will gradually realise your own talents and power. They are waiting there to be discovered, if you will only stop noticing others, and begin to nurture yourself.

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