Friday Jokes!

Cheating

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. 
The guy says, "Who is this?" 


"This is the maid.", answered the woman. 


"We don't have a maid!" 


"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." 


"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" 


"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." 


The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" 


"What do I have to do?" 


"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." 


The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. 


The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" 



"What?! There's no pool here?" 



Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

Military Training

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. 



"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" 



"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches, but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."