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What have I been up to?

MacVogtFeb 1, 2019, 9:40:08 PM

These days do seem to be accelerating. 

I haven't been able to connect my consciousness to #minds again -- I've been feeling resistance about engaging, sharing these kinds of turns and movements I'm going through. I've settled into a new apartment, quit weed, hung out more in meat space, obsessively engaged with the culture wars as sparked by the double whammy of Gillette and Covington, been sleeping a lot --

in the middle of the night, I've been waking up and feeling intensely creative. there's a dream I had which resulted in my waking up to a powerful one-on-one meditative connection with God, and finding that if I seriously talk to him, a thick blanket of nerves fires through my body. I could close my eyes, and find the hallucinatory visuals characteristic of weed .. without smoking weed O_O

-- had a stroke in one of my dreams, my body flailed completely uncoordinated, cognitive lapse, took a yoga class packed with insanely hot women, I mean truly, like come on, started reading neoreactionary thought (Moldbug, Nick Land) with a healthy amount of skepticism, got into a kind of hardcore intellectual discord group found on Twitter, all the while trying to survive the crypto bear market, survive the extreme cold, and finally, for real, finishing up my movie.

Last week, in the cold, I went out with a friend and danced so great.

Sometimes it just clicks. It was like I was in a music video. Just this high fidelity, I guess would be the way to describe it. I was not trying to make a scene or anything, was by myself in the crowd, really appreciative of life and all, and this really cute woman came up next to me. I was feeling so cool, but when she started conspicuously bumping up next to me, it's like this massive self-awareness hit me -- I could only dance by myself. how would I go about dancing with her? It's like, I didn't ask how to go about dancing to the music. I just felt it. It felt like sex to me, how good the music was, so my body responded in kind. When she was bumping against me, this overwhelming sadness came over me, this impossible distance. Nobody was dancing the way I was dancing. I wasn't kidding about the music video, i don't know how to describe it, it was just really coming from the heart, everything was integrated like these distinct shapes moving through me, just this raw passion that I wish, I just wished people would see in me. I mean, it was over the top. I hadn't danced for so long. And when she kept bumping up to me, this inspiration curdled into shyness. A feeling of contrivance crept into me. Everything felt so lame, it was all crashing around me. It was like this autism, this essential disconnect to everyone around me, that I could only realize myself through this brilliant solipsism. So I mechanically left the dance floor. I wonder what she thought, you know. Did she feel rejected? Did she sense how free I was before she made contact, and the result? But I wanted to know her -- she was the hottest, most stylish woman I had seen a long time. It was an honor to me. But I left, stressed out. An alien.

I've felt pretty embarrassed I haven't been able to keep up with the people here, or in my group. My attention seems to have a life of its own. I doubt anyone is actually interested in what I've been doing or thinking or reading, and okay, if people were, I have a nasty habit of insta dropping off the face of the Earth in response. I don't know, I don't get it. So, I don't think I'm really capable of heading a community. I'm not consistent! and my mind derives a lot of its power from inconsistency.

But, perhaps this will change on its own once this film is released. 

Or, maybe for my personality type, the best thing to do is to keep it improvisational and go where the improv takes me. It could be that I'm just supposed to put out material, a great range of it, material going farther than I had ever before, and have it be good enough, and at a certain point, sometime in the future, it will all work out regardless of my totally undisciplined social media tactics. 

Hope everyone is well, here. Congrats to Ottman and the devteam for this gorgeous update.