Facing...

...the silence.

I worked front counter, I saw everyone who walked through the door, greet and serve, service with that million dollar smile

But that day, it dropped right off my face, in a single moment, bankrupt

A man walked through that door with shades on

I thought, hmm. He looks familiar

My blood ran cold, and my breath hot

I felt sick

As he made his order, I could hear the stickiness of his words

The familiar thickness of his speech

Time slowed

I asked a single question, curiosity killed the cat and I wanted to confirm, you still clean?

He blinked behind his glasses, took a double take

Acknowledged the memory

But only a piece

Not the part where he took control of my body while I was sleeping

Not the part where I almost lost my job over the harassment

Not the piece where he called me nasty names and shamed me for parting, protecting myself from further assault

And I carefully slipped away

As he said, it was nice to see you again

He'd been looking for me

Because once you let a bully in, they know you're vulnerable

But I'm no longer steeped in brew, drowning in liquor, lost at the bottom of a glass

I smiled at my rapist, and I didn't spit in his food

I just walked away

I think, perhaps, this is part of my healing. That the universe is aligning to force me to confront the pain, to recognize I'm better now.

I was watching this video from Gabor Mate

And he said something about drilling into the soul to release the pain, not like a dentist who numbs his patient first, that we have to feel it to become better

I was numb for a long time