I, hypocrite

The picture above makes me guilty of the title twice- I hate played out adages. However, I couldn't find a picture that struck the chord between not lashing out and not being okay. I will eventually forgive myself for the first instance of hypocrisy and am hoping this blog will speed up the process.

Onto the subject of this blog, I have spoken before on how those girls who look for the "badboys" have a fairytale in their heads and inevitably, shortly after bagging one, post on their social media of choice, "why are all men....insert expletive"

I am guilty of an equal error, though I will say I am taking the lion share of the blame and not painting an entire gender with the same brush. The party involved in the error did treat me in a way that makes cutting them out and chalking it up as a mistake (that robbed me of 9 years of my life) the best option. My mistake in thinking I'd found the exemption means I should take the lion share of the blame.

The group in which I thought I'd found an exemption in-the feminazies. The clues were all there, quite available to me and frankly numerous. This particular one was engaged and saw nothing wrong with cheating on a future husband. I found our initial chemistry strong enough to justify overlooking this. Overlooking her sitting on a friend's lap, caressing another's back, openly talking about how they wanted a "northern English fella". The clues were all there Benzies. If it wasn't you it would have been the highest bidder. 

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way. Not that I'm saying the dating game minus this small demographic, is perfect, or anyone is for that matter. But those with a man hating ideology as their mantra are not suitable for anyone other than useful idiots or simps. Until they wake up.

I guess being tantamount to a well manipulated simp, I travelled where she wanted to go for her studies, was essentially a sidekick. With constant reminders of my lack in the abilities of traditional males. Yet her wanting to be the primary earner. How did I not see the blatant contradiction?

Now free to embrace my freedom from guilt and shame tactics, having my phone and other media searched regularly. It really was quite exhausting. Though we had some good times, I never moved out from her shadow. Any attempt to do my own thing was always remarked upon through gritted teeth. Thinly veiled passive aggression to boot. 

 "Oh I should do my own thing like he does, but I'm more about the relationship."

 I guess him moving around for you and being the primary earner (despite his lack of manliness) wasn't enough. 

Unfortunately, as obvious as things can be in hindsight, when you're in the thick of it, it can be hard to see. Even attempts to recruit my female friends into her ideology didn't awaken me! Even as parallels with an albeit successful but very robotic, idolized cousin became more apparent. The deeper I went, the more time spent and familiarity superseded the goalposts being moved repeatedly (we'll start a family when you get your level 3..degree...learn to drive). After I failed in the third example, in my third try (3 certainly isn't a magic number for me!) I confess to looking elsewhere. The time and familiarity and previous beatings making bringing up my concerns of if I'll ever be enough, implausible to me.

Tired of being detracted from a traditional role (despite being one for seven years) yet shamed for not fulfilling one, I found a message from someone I'd known for years when actually reaching out to another male friend for support. She opened my eyes that I could get encouragement or even actually be enough without hitting these existential and never ending targets. Though not even meeting in person, this friend showed me a contrast and opened my eyes. 

My insides still feel like Freddy Krueger is scratching them and will need to heal before contemplating a future with anyone.

But one thing is certain, whether with a partner or solo, my future will not involve being controlled or restricted by anyone else. No wall of guilt for being myself and shame for having my own opinions. 

Looking back I am no different from many other men; a victim of hypergamy. When I found out within days of our "break" from me talking to another girl and my fatigue at the lack of affection and being interrogated, that she had been with someone else already, though not elated I'd been duped, the air of sanctimony dropped from her. I realised that I had not lost a life partner, but a constricting shadow cast over me for damn near a decade. 

I've talked before about the importance of men, like women, having a list of standards for future partners. What I missed was also to have rules that I bend for no one. And to accept no less than an equal partner. 

#HaveRulesLads