I, hypocrite

The picture above makes me guilty of the title twice- I hate played out adages. However, I couldn't find a picture that struck the chord between not lashing out and not being okay. I will eventually forgive myself for the first instance of hypocrisy and am hoping this blog will speed up the process for the second.

Onto the subject of this blog, I have spoken before on how those girls who look for the "badboys" have a fairytale in their heads and inevitably, shortly after bagging one, post on their social media of choice, "why are all men....insert expletive"

I am guilty of an equal error, though I will say I am taking the lion share of the blame and not painting an entire gender with the same brush. The party involved in the error did treat me in a way that makes cutting them out and chalking it up as a mistake (that robbed me of 9 years of my life) the best option. My mistake in thinking I'd found the exemption means I should take the lion share of the blame.

The group in which I thought I'd found an exemption in-the feminazies. The clues were all there, quite available to me and frankly numerous. This particular one was engaged and saw nothing wrong with cheating on a future husband. I found our initial chemistry strong enough to justify overlooking this. Overlooking her sitting on a friend's lap, caressing another's back, openly talking about how they wanted a "northern English fella". The clues were all there Benzies. If it wasn't you it would have been the highest bidder. 

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way. Not that I'm saying the dating game minus this small demographic, is perfect, or anyone is for that matter. But those with a man hating ideology as their mantra are not suitable for anyone other than useful idiots or simps. Until they wake up.

I guess being tantamount to a well manipulated simp, I travelled where she wanted to go for her studies, was essentially a sidekick. With constant reminders of my lack in the abilities of "traditional" males. Yet her wanting to be the primary earner. How did I not see the blatant contradiction?

Now free to embrace my freedom from guilt and shame tactics, having my phone and other media searched regularly. It really was quite exhausting. Though we had some good times, I never moved out from her shadow. Any attempt to do my own thing was always remarked upon through gritted teeth. Thinly veiled passive aggression to boot. 

 "Oh I should do my own thing like he does, but I'm more about the relationship."

 I guess him moving around for you and being the primary earner (despite his lack of manliness) wasn't enough. 

Unfortunately, as obvious as things can be in hindsight, when you're in the thick of it, it can be hard to see. Even attempts to recruit my female friends into her ideology didn't awaken me! Even as parallels with an albeit successful but very robotic, idolized cousin became more apparent. The deeper I went, the more time spent and familiarity superseded the continual goalposts' moving (we'll start a family when you get your level 3..degree...learn to drive). After I failed in the third example, in my third try (3 certainly isn't a magic number for me!) I confess to looking elsewhere. The time and familiarity and previous beatings making bringing up my concerns of if I'll ever be enough, implausible to me.

Tired of being detracted from a traditional role (despite being one for seven years) yet shamed for not fulfilling one, I found a message from someone I'd known for years when actually reaching out to another male friend for support. She opened my eyes that I could get encouragement or even actually be enough without hitting these existential and never ending targets. Though not even meeting in person, this friend showed me a contrast and opened my eyes. 

My insides still feel like Freddy Krueger is scratching them and will need to heal before contemplating a future with anyone.

But one thing is certain, whether with a partner or solo, my future will not involve being controlled or restricted by anyone else. No wall of guilt for being myself and shame for having my own opinions. 

Looking back I am no different from many other men; a victim of hypergamy. When I found out within days of our "break" from me talking to another girl and my fatigue at the lack of affection and being interrogated, that she had been with someone else already, though not elated I'd been duped, the air of sanctimony dropped from her. I realised that I had not lost a life partner, but a constricting shadow cast over me for damn near a decade. This persons journey to becoming a man hater are anyone's guess, past problems are certainly not the fault of an entire gender however. 

Are some, like The Red Pills Cassie Jaye, redeemable, can they see the toxic marxist roots of their cult or how they've been misled? Evidently yes, more are waking up. But these are from those who still possess sincerity to overcome their initial naivety or weakness in taking easy unearned wins. The other groups; the existentially bitter- bitterness that they were fooled so perpetuate the lies (like the weather underground do in coaching actufa). Or those with a need for power at all costs, perhaps sociopathic, those groups would unlikely, even for someone wanting a life partner (not a power struggler) cede to any facts, logic, male and female victims causing a dent in their ideological fervour. 

Walking in lockstep with monolitic ideologies despite once pointing to a picture of her friend with a tranny and singing "one of these ones doesn't look like the other" and laughing (granted, I laughed too, but nowhere near as much). From this to lambasting me for calling Ellen Page by her birth name, when it became the popular narrative for the trans social contagion to dictate discourse. People do change all the time of course but not one part of this person veered from this monolitic man hating ideology (the popular version of it at least). If I were to speculate, the power led route (possibly sociopathic) would be the one I'd venture led this person to the ideology that enables one to top the now "social science" dominant universities and all the public media forums.

Alas, life's too short to speculate further and unfortunately, as men we're not in relationships to "cure" someone but to bring our gifts to the table as much as nurture our partners, not as quid pro quo or to compete with each other, but to be a team and become stronger as a team. Regardless of the motivations, a man hating ideology can never nurture that.

I've talked before about the importance of men, like women, having a list of standards for future partners. What I missed was also to have rules that I bend for no one when in the relationship. And to accept no less than an equal partner. 

#HaveRulesLads