Venus Razors to Release Stunning and Brave New Ad Campaign for Women
Following the immediate and incredibly positive response of the public to their razor advertisement featuring angry feminists moralizing about men needing to not be fist-fighting, lewd, misogynistic jerks, Gillette’s parent company, Procter and Gamble, has ordered Gillette to release complimentary companion advertisements for their women’s product line, Venus Razors.
“We saw the positive results of the shrewd marketing decisions of Nike, Ben & Jerry’s, BurgerKing, and other global brands, and decided we simply HAD to make a bid to stay relevant by following the herd, and so we jumped on the Woke Virtue Signaling bandwagon.” said a marketing executive at Procter and Gamble. “We thought, ‘What could possibly be a better way ensure we continue being able to sell cheap, disposable, plastic razors at exceptionally high prices, than presenting a caricature of men’s stereotypical moral flaws and then having women who make a living being angry against men stridently and judgmentally telling them to ‘Do Better’? I’ll be honest and admit that there was one dissenting voice in our group who warned that we might see a lot of the hashtag #GetWokeGoBroke following the release of the new ad campaign, but I’m proud to announce that they were completely wrong, and our sales have sky rocketed overnight; we couldn’t have imagined a better response. In fact, it’s made us completely reconsider the ‘Goddess’ ad campaigns and we’ve decided to abolish them altogether.”
“Our very unsuccessful but terribly misguided Goddess ads were designed to use warm feelings of empowerment to manipulate women into buying our Venus razors, but they will be replaced with a new campaign since those positive messages of blanket approval and innate divinity accessible only via our disposable razors would contrast starkly with our chastisement of men for being utter boors. We’ll kick off with a video commercial which shows a montage of mothers looking on approvingly as their junior high girls teach each other to use gossip to destroy relationships between people they’re jealous of, followed by gorgeous 20-somethings using their sex appeal to seduce rich men to get pregnant and thus secure a wedding or child support, and wives using emotional volatility and constant nagging to manipulate and control their husbands. These acts of petty selfishness historically known to be stereotypical of the female sex will be followed by clips of mostly old white men who make a living preaching against the evils of feminism vociferously admonishing women to ‘learn to control their emotions,’ to ‘stop misusing their sexuality,’ and just to ‘Grow UP!’”
"We’re confident it will resonate deeply with our female customers who will surely love being lectured and browbeaten by their favorite razor company just as much as our male customers did," the female executive finish with a glint of sadistic glee in her eyes, "We’re positively giddy with excitement over how much more our sales will increase doubly disproving the stupid narrative that it’s bad for business when you pointlessly and without provocation shove identity politics down your customers’ throats.”