Oakland Residents Glad The President Did Not Tweet About Their Shitty City

After President Trump made some controversial statements about Baltimore, the Nation’s attention turned to the horrifying conditions found within that city. Images of boarded up houses and trash littering the streets have been shared all over social media, and many Americans have displayed outrage due to the high crime and poverty rates within the city. However, on the other side of the country residents of Oakland have had a different reaction.

“I’m really glad the president didn’t tweet about us,” said Christopher Parks, a native Oakland drug dealer. “Don’t get me wrong, I take pride in my community, but we have some real problems. Last week I saw an unattended toddler playing in a trash heap, and then sixteen seagulls swept in and took him away. There’s things that happen in this city that no human being should have to witness.”

Oakland is a far cry from its former glory of the 1990’s during the crack epidemic. Economic stagnation had been occurring for sometime, but it’s effects are just starting to be fully realized.

“I really noticed that things were really bad when the Raiders packed up and left town,” said Harold Brown, the resident of a discarded barrel. “When the town gets too rough for a team full of ex-cons and accessories to murder, you know something’s up. He added, “It still hasn’t brought our spirits down. Hundreds of us still go to the parking lot every Sunday, get together, and look for somebody to stab.”

The most thankful person for avoiding the President’s twitter wrath was police commissioner Ken Grady.

“We really dodged a bullet, literally and metaphorically,” he said as a bullet punched straight through his office window and lodged itself just above his door frame.

When pressed about the lack of police response he responded abruptly, “Look we haven’t solved a murder in over a year. It’s not just a matter of every precinct being severely underfunded, or witnesses unwilling to testify, it's that the police in this city are all sad broken men.

There are a handful of American cities in the same predicament as Oakland. In desperate need of help, but ashamed of the negative media attention it will bring to their community. Residents from various cities have reached out and shared similar stories from Cleveland, Flint Michigan, Gary Indiana, and Detroit.

Editor's Note: The story from Detroit has yet to be confirmed, as Detroit has been without electricity for fourteen months.