AFTER A BREAK So often when I start reading an article about BDSM it spends a whole paragraph dealing with the importance of finding a good partner to play with. I assume this is like mommy’s advice when we were teenagers – “Only have sex with someone you trust.” When your hormones are raging, and the object of your lust is standing before you, the idea of trust seems a little unnecessary. Or at least something we can think about later – after all, the instinctive mind is in control and we want to satisfy our lust. It’s the intellectual mind that has to deal with the hurt. This is exactly what I want to discuss. Let’s be honest, that properly ‘safe’ person does most likely not exist. Most of us will have difficulty finding them and choosing them. So. What happens when PCD or subdrop hit you in full, not after sex, but after being hurt by a play partner you thought you could trust? Someone you realised you shouldn’t have played with, but only after you did. First up, respect the principles of BDSM. Negotiation, honesty, aftercare, emotional weaknesses. If you have been open in all of your dealings and made an accord, then this is NOT your fault. Communication issues occur, of course, and if we are too squeamish to say what we want or don’t want both parties can be hurt. This is why we proceed slowly. But if you were open and honest from the start, only to have the rules changed on you, this was not your fault. Be your own top now – administer your own aftercare. Tell yourself “You did good” and believe it. Reassure yourself as much as you need. We all know that the two flows of giving and taking exist in sex, and BDSM is play specifically designed to give us both. However, we negotiate for the sake of our emotional health, aligning the instinctual mind with the intellectual. For some of us, the intellectual mind interferes too much to allow us to enjoy certain things. It makes it that much more difficult when an agreement is broken, as we have broken it with ou...