Not that I have money these days, but even when I do I have a strange complex about spending any of it on myself. For example, a good while back I had a bit of cash and bought myself a game for my Switch, and I haven't played the fucking thing since because I STILL feel guilty for having spent the money on myself, even though at the time I had a bit of disposable income to indulge myself with. I've never been able to break this, not even back when I was working at Santa Fe Natural Tobacco bringing home nearly 3 grand a month. I was able to pay the rent and bills in their entirety, put some money in savings, and still have enough left to play around with, but I'd agonize for weeks over it before ultimately deciding against it, and when I did let myself spend a bit of cash on myself I'd feel terrible about having done it for a long time after. I think this is a symptom of my anxiety, and the then ever-present fear that if I indulged myself I was going to find myself in a shitty situation that I couldn't afford to get out of. These days it's not such a problem since I rarely have a buck to my name and absolutely none to spend on frivolous things, but it's been replaced by the shock of terror I feel whenever I think about how what little I do have to put towards he bills might run out before I find a job in a world that's still pretending like Covid is a thing and that we all need to be masked up and vaccinated even after the fraud was exposed by Fauci's emails.
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