"Don't talk, Baby. You're safe."
𝙄 𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙞𝙩. 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚. 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨 𝙄'𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚. 𝙉𝙤𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚. 𝙎𝙝𝙚'𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩. 𝙄 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙨𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙝𝙚 𝙞𝙨. ******* Glory to God Hubs was there for me through the gore... One of the things that surprised me the most when all my past pedo PTSD came back to me was how suddenly so unbelievably *small* and viscerally vulnerable I felt again... A kitty in her early 30s feeling once more like a trapped creeped on kitten 🐱😭 Tbh I never fell into AiW programming in the industry (that particular pathway didn't work on me) but even still it really reminded me of Alice shrinking after biting the biscuit 🙃 I was the smallest little 6yr old again, caught in the arms of a Grayhair old enough to be my grandfather 💀 No matter where I went in my house it felt like every cabinet and shelf rose out of reach while the walls stretched and closed in simultaneously and everything loomed menacingly over me. No matter how hard I shut my eyes I couldn't escape the phantoms of filthy predatory men and women from my past. I could feel them, smell them, see them and hear them. Nothing stopped it. I'm no stranger to losing sense of reality during severe flashbacks, but this was a whole new set of sick scenes entirely 😶 Like being stuck on repeat in the most wicked of Reels from your worst memories of monstrous men and women... Every blink, gasp, or cry, was practically another cut to a different filthy frame of reference from my horrific history. And then it twisted itself into my perception of my Future... 😭 There I was, utterly UNDONE and suicidal again... So then, "The Spiral" hit, as Hubs calls it. I was beside myself in hysterics and panic and my pride did what it always does and lashed out at my weakness. I became FURIOUS with *myself* and my reaction to everything. It didn't matter that I'd been perfectly fine with no severe PTSD or flashbacks for many years prior. THIS "wasn't supposed to happen" anymore as far as I was concerned. So now *I* became the problem. It was my fault. I was fkn LIVID and lost. Because now I was thinking, "WTF is wrong with me?! If I'm really honestly *this* weak what in God's Name do I think I'm doing dreaming of being a Mother now?? I cannot even help myself or heal or protect myself. How on earth could I ever be anything other than a liability and burden to my own children?!" So when Hubs was holding and helping me while I begged and sobbed for him to "Please make it stop! Get me out! Make them stop!" And he suddenly saw the cold fury shift to "It's over. I can't do it. I can't do this anymore. Any of it. I'm worthless. Useless. I'm done." He knew things were worse than before, but he pushed through my pain for me when I couldn't do it myself. When I fell trapped into thinking again that I was better off dead, Hubs helped me stay alive. For him. When the pain of your Past fogs up your Present enough to make you want to forgo the Future, you MUST have a light to cling to in the darkness beyond yourself. Whether it's your Darling and/or your Deity, you need to have a constant light source to see through your own mess. No one makes it all on their own in perpetuity. Statistical reality will do you no favors on that front my friends. Know where you need to go *when* your fallible flesh fails you, because it WILL. If it wasn't for you cool cats sending me your prayers and love while my Spouse and Savior supported me, I can't tell you where I'd be rn in all honesty, but I can promise you it wouldn't be anywhere healthy. THANK YOU for being willing to connect with me cats and share in my journey each in your way through cyberspace. You've ALL helped me more than you will ever realize. God bless you. ❣
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