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Rambling

I always ask anyone who cares to listen if they know the meaning of life. I also ask if they’ve known death. Not of a loved one, no. I mean the death of the mind, the totality of it. I ask if they’ve experienced the total emptiness that comes with not wanting to live anymore, not willing to wake up each day to nothingness. That bittersweet feeling crawling round and round in your stomach. I don’t know whether to ask you this same question or not. I also do not know if you’ve gotten to that point where the only thing you know is pain, one so intense you’re scared of losing it. It’s like when you’re addicted to something dangerous. It’s killing you slowly yet you can’t let it go. It’s become so familiar you can’t survive without it. So you clutch it with everything you’ve got. It’s your one reason for getting up and you just can’t lose it. Today, I won’t ask these questions, rather, I’ll tell you a little about me. I used to be hopeless. Maybe I still am. People will tell you to get up and move it. To keep pushing for the light at the end of the tunnel. But one thing is for sure, they’re lying. That was my belief. All lies. They tell you to look at those you’re better than. They ignore your pain and give you instances, reasons why you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do. They forget that at that very moment, you can’t think. You probably aren’t listening. You want to be left alone. Maybe they’re right and I’m selfish. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong. I guess I have a few questions after all. Have you loved? Are you loved? Do you know the joy that comes from living a fulfilled life? Now, you may wonder what a fulfilled life really means. Have you ever woken to the short breaths of your lover on your neck? Did it make you happy? Ever felt a child’s warm embrace? Ever been told I love you? If you’ve felt any of these and it made you happy, maybe you can understand where I’m coming from, why I want to be left alone in my pain. Why I want no interruption. Maybe you can understand what it means to want something over and over. Because it’s the only way I know how to live, the only feeling I recognise. It’s so familiar I will do anything for it. It's my safe haven, this pain. I said I used to believe this. Were you paying attention? It felt good to believe it. To live it. To embrace it. To bask in it. I shooed people away. I ignored their kind words. I loved it when they left me alone. It only confirmed that they didn’t care. I wasn’t going to try anymore and they left me to it. I was there wallowing and wasting away till an angel found me. That was when I realised that everything I believed was a lie. #psychology #writing #healing #pain #mentalhealth

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