CNN Mourns ACB Confirmation... Its True...

ATLANTA, GA—CNN is in mourning today after the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett to the U.S. Supreme Court. To recognize this momentous tragedy, CNN President Jeff Zucker has announced that the majestic flag of the People's Republic of China will be flown at half-mast for the remainder of the day. "This is a dark, dark day for our democracy," sobbed CNN anchor Don Lemon. "It's so, so very dark that democracy might be dead already. What must China think of us? They are probably so embarrassed for us because the Republicans are mean and hypocritical and our Constitution is the worst." All CNN employees will also observe a full minute of silence at noon to recognize the darkness of this dismally dark day for our democracy. They will also light candles for RBG and wear sackcloth-- which is normally against dress code but will be permitted for today only since it's such a dark day. "Our only hope now is to elect President Kamala Harris and pack the courts," said Brian Stelter. "May the spirit of President Xi and RBG be with us."

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