Emotional Work
This trilogy of texts is about the emotional spectrum and how to navigate it. During the first part I described a stable way to get out of the worst of misery. This follow up depicts steps, to further improve one's emotional state, even without any urgent need.
Emotions are to us, what water is to fish. We recognize them only if the current is strong enough. And even then, we're often not sure what is happening and what provoked them. So how than clean up the sea?
The first step is to intent it. Many humans are just moved by their emotions, a bit like seaweed floats in the ocean. But it should be more like a dance - a balance between freedom of expression and precise, willful articulation. To achieve that, you need at first the right stance toward your emotions. That would be the same as good parents display towards their children. They cherish them, but also watch out constantly, so they don't trigger stupid actions and create a mess that can't be cleaned up easily. But when the felt is not nice, the interest in noticing emotions may be low. And the road from where we left off last time is still long. To get from hate to anger, frustration, disappointment and so on - just to a calm and neutral place as the average emotional base level needs intent, a plan and dedication. And a lot of honesty, because I'm not suggesting to merely sugarcoat your situation and put on a smiley face.
Well, I should take back the last part. Even a forced smile changes the mood a little. There is a hard wiring between certain muscles and emotions, as even blind and deaf people can articulate themself nonverbally, in an understandable manner. That's why there could be something to codified gestures like indian mudras or folding hands for a prayer. Especially when emotions are in turmoil, one should use neurology to one's own advantage. It does not matter if it appears silly - it is easily doable and it helps. And if the awkward feeling bugs you a lot - use it as motivation to accept the situation as the result of past mistakes or past misfortune - not your future. When then the smile gets more genuine, you will notice the difference. And observing that an intended action brings relief, has a huge effect subconsciously. Hope rises and anxiety diminishes further.
Most importantly it begins to establish the blueprint: I am in charge of my emotional state and can initiate improvement. And the same way one decides to smile, even when not feeling it, one can also decide what to listen to, watch or with whom spend time. These decisions are small and in the moment. No need to forcefully break habits or friendships - just stir your boat constantly into a better direction. As a consequence, toxic influences should be phasing out of your life smoothly, maybe not even noticeable. But because you know the reasons beind the little turns well, there is less chance for going back.
You will also notice if there is any internal resistance to such a game plan. It might come from a lack of self worth or missing the heightened attention, that comes with drama and bad feelings. Both can be circumvented by shifting the focus to people you value. Make it a goal to feel better in order to be a more helpful parent, wife, friend or professional.
There will be also another interesting dynamic to observe. In moments of better feeling, people relax. This helps to open up a little more. But if you open up also bad feelings will be later experienced more intensly. That can be used productively by not shying away from the unpleasant, but staying with it like a real friend. The then rising, natural urge to feel better, motivates you to find uplifting habits and when you experience contrast you also will be more greatful in moments of relief and joy. After few of these cycles you begin to reconnect with life.
Propably the worst long term effect of negative feelings are their distortion of perception, leading to decisions you would not make voluntarily when calm. After reconnecting with you intuition and you personal drive, you can easier spot a lying person or get a feel what to do with you live. And good life decisions are a stable drive of further improvement. That is why they should only made when feeling very well and free.
Another big roadblock is blaming external factors, which leads many into a spiral of anger, frustration and resentment. At one point these feelings might have been an improvement, but in order to move ahead, you have to separate the honey from sting. By that I mean separating the lesson from the emotional reaction. Honestly consider things said to hurt you or your own hurting conclusions of a disaster. That will for sure not feel good, but be careful to not add on further negative emotional load. Finding the internal freedom of action to step aside from destructive intention is a decisive moment during recovery.
In most cases this is hard to do, because another wound is hiding behind the official cause of blame and fueling the hurt. Finding and cleaning up that wound needs some skill and experience. Luckily the mechanism itself is simple and can be figured out. Because it tries to divert blame, the opposite of what is claimed is true. The task is only to find out which kind of opposite. First step would be writing down the situation. No need to be nice at this stage, just connect to all emotions and fixate them on paper (try to be brief). Step two is then just reverting the statements in different ways. When the initial reaction is the strongest you found the cause. A good friend with an outsiders perspective is very helpful with this.
Without these internal conflicts life gets much more colorful and enjoyable. You will know there are still some lurking, if you are seldom happy and the suggested exercises do not bring much improvement.