The Amazons Of Titan

Prologue:  this is pulp story i wrote about  my comics- starring Harry Hamm, Kitty Keysler and Princess Marcella of Titan.  Its a sword and planet story in the Barsoom style- but I put a some twists of my own in to it. I Hope ya'll enjoy it. 

The art here is by my friend Dave Backerman. He is the creator of Prnicess Marcella, the Ba-Outes, and all the weird world of Titan. i just went to play there at his kind permission. Funny- I don't think he knows how far along i am on this story!

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Amazons of Titan:

A Harry Hamm/ Kitty Keysler/ Marcella Roderica Adventure

Chapter one: The Alien Woman

I will never forget the day I met my first real live space alien. Until that day, I had imagined that the existence of extraterrestrial life was only a Tinseltown movie fantasy; because being an actress in 1940s Tinseltown, I had had my share of appearing in low budget ‘B” grade Space Opera movie serials. And I don’t want to brag- but I did have my own starring role as ‘Queen of the Space Amazons’ in the 1941 Deermont Productions movie serial of the same name. It would have been my stepping stone to a better grade of Tinseltown production- but it premiered in theatres on December 5th- and the Second World War started that same week. Of all lousy luck

By the time I met my alien visitor, I had not thought about movie serials in a very long time; had been out of the pictures for 4 years; the war was over and I had a gig working as a secretary to an infamous local gumshoe named Harry Hamm. You may have heard of him. He’s a shamus with a pig’s face. No, he’s NOT an alien. Harry is completely human. He just has the face of a pig. There is some kind of origin story about it- but Harry is sensitive and hasn’t told me exactly what it is. And he is a nice guy, a sweetheart really, so I don’t pressure him to tell me. He will in due time.

Harry has been very good to me- he saved me from a life of crime once- and solved a murder in which I was a prime suspect. I was innocent of course, but only he could prove it. Inspector Dower of the Tinseltown PD would have been happy to hang the murder of movie star Ash Dashley on me. And there was the problem of me on the murder scene with a gun. But it was a setup and Harry figured it all out. I will love him forever for that.

So though I continued in pictures after I first met Harry in the ‘38 Deermont murders; the ’41 production of “Space Amazons” was my last big movie role. So in ’43, I was three months behind on rent, the landlord put a new lock on my door and I had to find a real job or spend a life on the streets. Desperate, I thought of Harry who had helped me out before, and it turned out, that HE needed help too. It took some persuading, and we had to recover some stolen Dzungarian royal jewels- but he did eventually hire me. I went to work as his secretary and had helped him solve many more mysteries and crimes for years after.  

The day I met the green alien woman was in ’46 and it was a typical day in working for Harry. I had woken up late, barely had to time shower, dress, and catch the cross-town bus. I put a run in my nylons running and jumping on board the bus, as it turned into morning rush hour traffic. It was hard putting on my makeup, as the bus jolted through Tinseltown’s shadier side of town, where Harry had his PI office. But I got the eye shadow right and I must have done a good job on my lipstick, as I got wolf whistles from a road construction crew at the bus stop as I got off. That crew might have got an eyeful, as I stretched my shapely legs at the curb, examining my nylons for that run in the stocking.

They were good long legs, and I’m not one to dwell narcissically on myself but they were attached to a beautiful body too. I am a brunette, about 5’8”, with green eyes that my agent liked to say where the color of the sea. My face is movie screen worthy quality, with a pert nose and full ruby lips. My body is athletic with pale skin like ivory, untouched by the sun. For one reason, I burn outside and stay indoors mostly; thus the new trend of sun tanning is not in my routine. My breasts are large, my hips wide, but slender; and I have a cute and tight derriere that looks well in a glamour gown any movie set. In all my screen tests, I had passed with the highest marks. It was just bad luck that I had never had a great motion picture role. All the men that I knew appreciated me. I was used to males stopping and staring on the occasion. Boys will be boys. I knew I was ‘a looker’.

So when the road construction crew whistled and made crude comments for my attention, I simply blew them a kiss, smirked and walked on into Harry’s office building. He rented a cheap pair of offices on the top floor, in an area of Tinseltown you don’t brag about. Normally I stepped around a few drunken bums and piles of trash getting to the elevator- and today was no exception. One bum stirred sleepily and glanced up at me with glazed eyes. “Hello Doll,” he slurred and then fell back into his bottle. I ignored him and pressed the up arrow, got into a filthy ill smelling elevator and went on up to work.

My mind was thinking of the day’s activities; clients to call, reports to type. We had a few cases on going- but nothing that was going to make us rich or famous. Burglaries and background checks mostly, and I was fumbling for the keys – then I noticed the office lights were on. Was Harry already there? That would be unusual. He really didn’t come in the office until noon, reeking of cigarettes and cheap scotch.  

Unless it was one of the weird cases that made him really work- like fighting Nazis, or capturing Robots loose in the Tinseltown hills- things that happened rarely and that we don’t tell the cops about. These cases are what I live for- because they are exciting adventures. And I’m a girl who likes excitement.  

Eagerly, I opened the door with a jingle of keys, and walking around my cluttered receptionist’s desk, I went to Harry’s office. The lights were on, door was ajar and I could hear him talking with someone as I approached. His voice was low and I couldn’t hear what he was saying. But the next voice spoke and I could hear it clearly.  

The voice was a feminine one- and it was a commanding one - like the voice of a great actress. Being in the theater, I instinctively knew it was the voice of someone with a charismatic presence. What she said was ordinary enough, but her voice was like the tinkling of bells, the singing of birds, and the rippling of a waterfall- it made you listen despite yourself. I wish my voice had been that compelling while talking; my career on the silver screen might have been more fruitful. I wondered WHO it was that was speaking. And I knew I had to meet her.

The female voice said, “You’re a stick in the mud, Harry. You said yourself nothing is going on. Why won’t you come visit my world? You have not been there really. Just for an hour or two on the way back home. I’m dying to show you around.”

Harry said, “It’s not my kinda place. Purple is not my color, and you got all those wild creatures running around…”

Who was this? I wondered. Was he talking to some society dame about trouble with her mansion and her housecats? I decided that was a real possibility. It might be a lead to case that could really pay us some decent money for a change. And it sounded like Harry was blowing it. No doubt, I would have to intervene and win that society dame over.

I pushed open the door and went on in unasked, prepared to make the case as to why this rich client should hire Harry Hamm Private Investigations for her security needs- and stopped dead in the doorway. I was completely flabbergasted.

Harry was calmly seated at his filthy desk, cigarette in one hand, glass of scotch in the other. And seated comfortably in a chair across the desk from him was a giant nude, green alien woman. At my entrance, they both stopped talking and Harry blushed a deep red. The green alien nudist wheeled around in her chair like an emerald panther

She was completely green, her skin was a light olive shade and her hair was a deeper forest green. Her eyes, however, were a shimmering gold and they seemed to pierce right into me. Her lips and nipples were a ruby red, and her breasts were the largest I had ever seen. I couldn’t help but compare them to my own breasts- a generous size 38 double D- but she had me beat by at least three cups and several bra sizes. They weren’t freakish though, they fitted her giant frame admirably. And she had no self consciousness about displaying her nude breasts for all the world to see.

Also, I could see now, she wasn’t completely nude. She wore a white thong that barely covered the rest of her feminine attributes. And yes, her hips, her legs, even her rear were shapelier than mine. I felt a sharp stab of jealousy. This alien woman was the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. In the movies she would have been a bigger star than Betty Grable. She was that lovely.

We all stared at one another in an uncomfortable silence. Harry seemed really embarrassed, I was too shocked to speak, and the Alien Woman was simply appraising me with a keen yet frank gaze. It was like she was seeing through my clothing, and she was assessing my body the same way I was doing to her.

Finally she spoke, with that voice that made your heart flutter.” Oh Harry, is this your mate? I am so glad you found one at last. You really need a girlfriend.”

Harry stammered for a moment and I knew he had never been more embarrassed in his life. ‘Who was this woman in his life?’ I wondered jealously. Had she and he been an item in his past? I knew they must have been. The guilt was all over his face.

“Uh… Kitty,” Harry stuttered. “I’d like you to meet my friend Marcella Roderica. She is a Princess from the moon Titan. Marcella. This is Kitty Keysler, my secretary…”

“…Partner.” I said. I may have been shocked at the nude alien woman’s appearance, but I was a good enough actress to compose myself. I stepped forward and offered the green woman my hand to shake. “I am working on Harry making me a partner in the firm. He’s a bit reluctant to increase my position and rate of pay.”

The emerald alien princess took my hand in both of hers. They were cool and dry and she looked into my eyes. Even seated she was so tall she could meet my eyes at a level. I could tell she liked me-and she smiled. That smile was so radiant, it made me sigh. I liked her too, but I was also jealous. Harry I felt- was mine. No other woman, in all the years I had worked for him, had made an impression on Harry like she did. And now here she was suddenly; all the 6 foot plus, large breasted, naked green, alien womanliness of her. And I distinctly felt like a third wheel.

Marcella winked at me, and I realized she could see all the emotional conflict in my face. “Don’t worry,” she said to me. “Harry and I are just friends.” The giant green girl released my hands and turned to Harry.

“Harry, why haven’t you given this woman a raise? And made her a full partner yet?” Marcella demanded of the Pig detective, much to my astonishment. “She is obviously intelligent and beautiful. Are you being some kind of Chauvinist pig?”

The term was an unfamiliar one, and we both struggled with a response. Harry finally said, “I don’t know what you mean. Sometimes, Marcella is a bit hard to follow. She is a time traveler as well as a space traveler.” He explained to me.

Marcella nodded thoughtfully and said, “Oh right. That phrase won’t be around for a few more of your Earth decades, in the 1960s. But it means you, Harry, are discriminating against Kitty because of her gender. You are not allowing her to reach her full potential as a human being based on her sexual attributes.” Marcella’s eyes flashed angrily as she said this. I had never heard the situation explained so plainly before, and I was intrigued.

“In the not too distant future, gender roles in your world will be erased. Women will be doing the same jobs a s men. Become bosses, cops, even soldiers. There is even a woman president elected in 70 years.” Marcella expounded.

“Really? Who will it be?” I asked eagerly. “A female president would shake things up for sure!”

“Oh!” Marcella stopped explaining. “I can’t really tell you THAT. It might change your time line..” she apologized.  

Harry interrupted her. “Marcella. You know I’m not like that. I appreciate Kitty, I really do...”

“How much?” I said starring into his eyes. I knew I could love him. Harry looked back at me and I knew without saying it, that he was telling me that he loved me too. I had embarrassed him again, and Marcella could see it too. She laughed at him.

“Harry? What are you trying to say?” She goaded him.  

He put his cigarette butt out and lit another one while avoiding her gaze. Then he looked at her through a cloud of tobacco smoke. “Just this. You are probably right. Women could and will run the world better one day- but for now- it’s a dangerous world for women. It’s savage world here- a man’s world. Kitty isn’t ready yet to be partner. I’m afraid for her safety.”

I objected angrily. “Harry, I’m not made of glass. Women can be tough and savage too.”

Marcella chimed in with that unforgettable voice of hers. “She’s right. Give her a chance, Harry.” But even the stunning green princess of Titan failed to persuade my porcine employer.

“No, I’m sorry.” Harry said resolutely. “I can not approve of her getting a PI’s license and carrying a gun .It’s just dangerous for her.” Marcella looked sad. And I felt my temper flare.

I strode up to the desk where Harry sat and leaned over him. “I am at least as good a detective as you,” I spat.“And I already have my own gun. It’s lucky for you, I don’t have it loaded and ready. “And I furiously stalked out of his office with my high heels clicking and slammed the door behind me.

As the door slammed I hard Marcella sadly say, “Oh no. I didn’t mean to cause a fight…” And Harry reluctantly replied,”Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to get away for a day or so…”

Then I was out of the offices and heading for home in that filthy elevator and on the cross-town bus. I didn’t know if I had just quit my job or not. I was too angry to think ahead. Harry Hamm could be the most frustrating man that I had ever known. I didn’t yet know that day was the last day I would see him for over a year. And that year changed me forever. That was the year I became a real Space Amazon on the alien moon of Titan.

 Next: Chapter Two: the Alien equation.