Geek meets geek - dating advice for nerdy men

In this blog post I will present some advice for finding a geeky/nerdy girl and having a good relationship (I wrote this with my lovely wife). This post will contain some stereotypes, but that's inevitable when giving advice for real people in the real world. Just remember there is diversity out there so this won't always hold, and that's great - it means there is someone for everyone.

Here we go...

Geeky girls will likely have their own passions, so look for passion, not just for your own interests. For example, for a girl that might be crafts, or books, or activism.

...then share your passions with each other in the nerdy depth that you love.

Don't underestimate women's intelligence. Society may see women as superficial, and they may often act so, but inside they are far from it. Present your true self articulately and well, and they'll see your qualities.

Women may value things differently - they may apply intelligence more emotionally/socially than logically, and not have the same nerdy knowledge you have - but they will have a deep knowledge and perspective of their own that you don't. In a good relationship you should be able to combine your perspectives against some core values that you both come to share.

What women say is often not want women actually want, because they don't want to be judged by society, or often talk from an idealised position that they haven't fully integrated with their life experience. Get an idea for what any individual women wants by how they react to the small things that you do. Note - this is not saying you should ever make any unwanted sexual advances to women, it's saying you shouldn't for example assume that a women who says she is against all gender roles never wants you to carry the heavy shopping.

Sexually women will want sex similarly to guys, except for them there are usually major safety and respect factors involved. Once you have shown that you are respectful and safe, you may find that shy retiring woman can be devils in the bedroom.

Be confident, be the best yourself you can be. If they don't like you, that's fine, but don't try and get to someone's heart by being submissive or nervous, it won't work. A good nice guy to a woman is a guy who has good personal morals, not a guy who is a pushover. You are entitled to your beliefs, and the women may not agree or may even find it offensive, but they will not respect you if you are dishonest or manipulative - they'll sense that. A minority of women may like a submissive guy, just so they can use them - pandering to this will just get you in trouble - only stay with someone that respects you and is proud of you.

If you can't agree on something, you can try and meet a middle ground, but sometimes you each just need to let the other person do what they need, otherwise they'll be stifled.

Recognise that males and females typically differ, so don't just look for a mirror of yourself, look for someone with good qualities that can complement you and that you can get along with. In a good relationship there'll be areas of complement, and areas of commonality, but hopefully not too many areas of conflict.

Everyone has personality quirks, or quirks of appearance. Don't look for someone perfect and expect that perfect person to want you. Also don't idealise people, everyone will have problems from time to time, as will you. That said, if you improve yourself, you can raise your standards.

Good communication is really important. Talk about what you want, and what you're working on, and what is bothering you. Most problems come from a lack of properly understanding other people. You have to work hard and be patient to understand what makes people tick. Build a shared journey with your significant other. With great communication you can build a relationship of deep respect.

If you are quiet, or busy, or shy, that's not necessarily a problem. You can spend time together doing your own things, or enjoy shared activities together. There are many things that both males and females can enjoy, such as walking.

Consider, a woman needs to use much of the same strategy here to find a guy - and women often struggle to find the nice guys, for similar reasons that the guys struggle to find the nice women.