driftingbrain: Some insight into the people & things I write about: my little growing collection of neurons firing in all directions.

Much of what I write, though based on experiences, is done through a colored lens.

I do wonder whether or not my thoughts are able reveal any sort of explicit reality-- and I think much of what people experience is tinted by fantasy and a need for efficacy. People see things the way that most benefits them. In other words, no one can experience and judge events in a way that is distant from themselves. Whether we are attempting to discover truth or we are attempting to create truth, we do so for the sake of our own sanity and well being (at least first). I don't know whether this is good or bad most of the time, I think it just is an aspect of being. The words I write reflect a hypersensitive recreation of things as I may be perceiving them in the moment. But an aspect of this is that my thoughts, expectations and beliefs are always subject to a changing nature and a constant need for the truth, I can quickly change my judgements and interpretations of events to fit the information I acquired by analyzing them and reflecting on them in a creative landscape.

 I think I can handle the truth, I just can't handle not knowing it.  And for a while I would write in a fully ambiguous way, not revealing any personal information attached to my identity. But, eventually I felt that doing that seemed sort of fruitless. And even though I DOUBT that anyone I know reads these posts, I think there is some value in adding my identity to the blog in some way.

 However, I don't want to identify fully with all of my posts because then that would mean that I accept the notion that all of my thoughts and feelings hold permanent residences in my brain... and that just isn't the case at all. I can change my mind as soon as I have some sort of other insight or as soon as I experience some other interaction-- I'm open to finding the truth, even if it changes my entire outlook. I have no self to cling to really-- especially at this point in my life, when everything about my existence has no set structure or set path. I'm a wind. Essentially, I think taking some accountability for what I post here reminds me (in the very least) that I'm a human being, a sensitive one at that, with deep thoughts that I rarely share. And it seems that the more I post these expressive feelings, the better I can analyze them and sift through the false gunk while also holding onto the little nuggets of truth that I can carry into some future insight. I think when I post, I also hope that some people will see what I'm thinking and how I'm choosing to interpret things. Maybe this is another thing I want to analyze later on in life... but, at the same time, I don't want people to think they can understand me; especially when 99.9% of the time they don't get me at all. It's like interpreting a book only using Spark Notes when, in reality, it takes a lot more digging to get a semblance of understanding.

But it's not as though I don't want to be known, I just want it to first be understood that people won't know me if they don't have a desire to dig a little deeper and have some patience. If someone is satisfied with a couple of surface interactions with me, then they won't get that far on my list of people to reveal things to. (note: I don't actually have a list, come on.)

If someone shows at some point that they're self-focused and a user, it's almost hopeless at that point... if someone seems interested in only showing their colors, without asking me some, they might a well be in the same boat. I'll listen, but doesn't that make me more of a therapist than a close friend?  But this sort of take on life doesn't come without consequences and negatives. It romanticizes darkness a bit too much, I think. And I wonder if it leaves me on a different plain most of the time. I wonder if I do it to cope with some sort of perceived difference between myself and society...

But I doubt that there's a difference. Creativity is certainly a coping mechanism. If I have an inconceivable reality, then it can never be touched or destroyed by others; it, and myself, remain unattainable. And with that little facet of myself, I remain in control. I'm just not sure what I'm controlling at this point. I think at times it's an escape from vulnerability, because with vulnerability comes the risk of rejection and with the risk of rejection comes the risk of losing control of one's perceptions, because then you are also forced to recognize other's perceptions of you, which you are never able to fully understand...

So while I want to know the truth, I think there are truths that I'm also a little fearful of... I want to know-- but I don't want to ask. Hypocrisy much?

I think maybe its a trust issue, which wow, isn't romantic or unique at all. Shocker!!!!!

But I don't actually know. this is all random afternoon speculation.

I just know that I'd rather keep my mind hidden for the most part. But of course there are always explorers who garner some free information; they always seem to be the people who enter into the sphere of my thoughts; they somehow make me see how satisfying it can be to see the simple aspects of life. And I think I take more joy in these than anything else.

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