I chose to be fat, then I changed my mind. Enough with body positivity!

I did something unforgivable to my boyfriend during my 20s. I got fat, and ridiculously so. I went from 136lbs (which was on the heavy side anyway for someone of 5'2") to 186lbs during our 9 years together - then found comfort with other guys and blamed him for it when our sex life went stale.

It was a lifestyle thing, more than anything else. He was a body builder, and I was a lazy cook, with little knowledge of portion sizes. I consumed as much food as he did, without any of the working out.

Like a bitch, when we broke up, I got back down to165lbs within a few months. No one wants to be the fat chick who's left with the stragglers when the 2am call comes. Luckily I carried my weight well enough to still get attention, and the business of being a fledgling 30-something continued.

That was the problem though. I stalled at 165. Apart from a decent selection of clothes, I could get what I wanted, and there was nothing motivating me to change. My doctors tutted at my medicals, ran tests for thyroid, hormones, everything else.  My pituitary gland had basically stopped working, which they explained "may account" for my weight, but still nothing was done. In the end, they concluded, I was just 'large framed'. Like the rest of my family.

Fat Sarah - circa 2014

Indeed, I've never been thin. From the age of 6, which coincidentally was the age I discovered chocolate, I'd always been on the chubby side. Never mind that I enjoyed pizza and takeaways, and ate out three times a week. Nor that I'd always have a desert, drank alcohol like a fish, and snacked through the day. I was blameless. Fat, and blameless!

As I got older, there were things I couldn't do. I couldn't run if I was in a hurry. I couldn't touch my toes. I was constantly sweaty, and sex - or physical exertation of any kind - became exhausting. I made a concious decision: this wasn't how I wanted to spend my middle age. I wanted to get fitter. I wanted the average guy to consider me hot. Indeed, I wanted to feel hot and desirable again for myself, never mind anyone else.

I'd spent almost 15 years overweight and struggling - with self-esteem, with physical tasks, with getting clothes that fitted.  The culture of accepting people at an unhealthy weight, and cheering for body-positivity was a curse. If someone had turned round and said "you could lose a few pounds" or "I'm sorry, you're too fat for me" then maybe I'd have had the kick up the ass I needed sooner. Instead, all I got was encouragement: "you go girl!", "I wish I had your confidence!"...  I didn't have confidence, I just did what I had to do to survive as a fat girl.

It's been a slow, hard struggle but after 4 years of eating sensibly, with a moderate amount of exercise, I finally hit 136lbs again a few months ago. The BMI scale is very out of date, and doesn't account for body shape. If you're apple-shaped, you should probably aim for the lower end. If you're pear-shaped, you'll be fine in the top end. I'm within a healthy BMI now, but being apple-shaped, it's still fat and I'd like to drop another 14lbs before I rest.

It's time people stopped encouraging fat people, or accepting their 'medical reasons' verbatim. You don't need to shame them, but you certainly don't need to applaud them. Being fat is bad: it is unhealthy, it isn't great for mental health, and it will stop you doing things you want to do.  It's certainly not something to be proud about, and I believe everyone should strive for self-improvement.

AN ASIDE:

This week I start on a 60 day program called "Get Fit for GISH" - it's one of my own making. GISH is a charity scavenger hunt that takes place for one week every year at the end of July, millions of people take part all over the world, and whatever you are doing that week there will be hundreds of photos of videos of you shared on the internet.

That means that there are unflattering videos of me out there from over the years. The banner is me on stage, from 2014. You can see that I'm fat. There are videos from 2016 and 2017 where I still look fat, but I like to believe I'm getting there.

Every year, I've tried to get a little bit fitter before GISH happens. I may well be calling on people of MINDS to help me complete some tasks during GISH week. If you're up for helping, please leave a comment!