Long term consequences versus rewards

Today, my beautiful baby turns 22 years old.  She is my youngest child, and the idea that she is 22 is a marvel to me.  She is also a wife and mother.  Yet, these changes that came did not seem to sink so deeply into my mind over the last few years, with all of the whirl and hubbub surrounding these important events.

The 22 years suddenly just unfurled before me like a beautiful tapestry, woven with many joyful memories.  In those memories were golden good times and some very dark and scary times as well -- but the reality of that was just one thing -- I would not trade them for the world.  And that got me to thinking...

When I found out I was pregnant with her, I was on the brink of a divorce from my husband (we separated/divorced shortly after her birth) and I seriously pondered abortion in my anguish and desperation.  I had two small children, and this pregnancy was not planned, and not at all wanted.  I won't go into particulars, but my husband was an physically abusive drug addict at that point, so you can deduce the circumstances.  

I began to touch back on pain long ago buried -- about how alone, petrified and numb I was at finding out I was pregnant.  I felt abandoned even by God -- how could HE allow this to happen?  I was betrayed and angry.  I went to my Grandmother, my closest ally (God rest her soul) and told her what I planned to do.  I thought she would be supportive.  After all, she knew the desperation of my circumstances -- and, as an amazing woman of strength (she had escaped Communism with her daughters), I valued her opinion without question.  And, without a moment's hesitation, she said, "That is wrong." I remember my frustration and pressed her --"Why?" I desperately needed her approval, to make this right.  She refused.  She said, "No matter how you justify it, it's murder. God is the Author of Life and Death. And, He has authored this life, and He will give you strength to nurture it." 

Of course, at the time, that was a blow.  I was defeated in mind, body, and spirit.  I had the baby, and I wish I could say it was easy.  It was not.  I had complications during the pregnancy.  I almost lost her at birth, and that was heartbreaking, and the journey after my divorce was arduous, to put it mildly.  But, the reward of her life is without a price.  There is NO price big enough to name how important my daughter is, and how deep my love for her is.  I have three children.  My life would be devastated without all three.  My pain and confusion during my pregnancy never altered HER value as a person.  

I thank God now, with all of my heart, I never did that terrible, terrible thing.  I not only would have not had the infinite beauty of having my lovely daughter, but now she has given me the most precious thing a parent can ask for -- a beautiful granddaughter (who looks like me!).  Every time I look into the exquisite little face of my granddaughter, the wonder never ceases.  Her laughter, her joy, her life.  I'm so grateful and thankful I chose life all those years back, no matter how hard it was at the time.  The rewards are all encompassing and ongoing.  God doesn't make mistakes when He authors life.