Why Focusing On Looks in Women Causes Many Men to Get Hurt!

Most men, with whom I get into any kind of conversation around dating and relationships, appear keen to boast about one thing: that men are very 'visual' in looking for a partner. Looks matter a lot to them, they stress. They wouldn't date an 'ugly' woman, no sirree! She has to be 'slim' and 'good looking'. Those on dating sites usually add how they have to see a picture of the woman first and, if none is there, they don't even reply to any approaches.

Personally, I am sad at the number of times, when I was single, that men just looked at my pictures and wanted to date me without taking any time to read what I wrote, or to engage me in conversation. So, after countless reminders that looks in a woman are paramount to a man, which would also explain many of the 'trophy' relationships in vogue, it got me thinking about the whole business of dating and how this limited way of selection is particularly fraught with danger for men. Though looks count for most women too, their top priority is emotionality. They care about how the guy will relate to them in a caring and valued way.

The bottom line is this: if a man puts looks as his top priority in selecting a woman, he is really paying attention to only 25% of that person. He would be basing an assessment of her value on just 25% of the package, and projecting a possible partnership on 25% of the potential. Not surprisingly, as the other 75% is not engaged at the beginning, but tends to be gradually revealed, often giving some nasty surprises in the process, there would be much heartache later on. Though beauty is the top priority for most men, a beautiful or good looking woman presents only 25% of a possible relationship with those looks, the purely physical element. The other three elements are: personality, intellect and emotionality.

What is the point of having a beautiful woman if she is going to be moody morning, noon and night? What is the point of having someone who is cold and distant, especially when the other party is very loving?

PERSONALITY: The kind of personality we have is essential in a relationship: whether we are happy, expressive, friendly, approachable, able to laugh easily, morose, moody, repressed, detached, remote, cold, warm, or distant. All those are very important to the other partner. What is the point of having a beautiful woman if she is going to be moody morning, noon and night? What is the point of having someone who is cold and distant, especially when the other party is very loving?

One guy said that a 'stunning' woman he had dated for a while suddenly stood up while they were having dinner in a hotel, and shouted very loudly that she didn't know what she was doing there with him, then promptly left him on his own with other guests looking on curiously. Perhaps his money had something to do with why she was there? He said though he felt humiliated, he still wanted to see her again because she looked good on his arm! Cripes, and what about self-respect?

INTELLECT: This is not about being a rocket scientist or a genius. On the most basic level it is about being able to hold an enjoyable conversation; to share hobbies and discuss them; to recognise options and opportunities, and to make choices in life. Some people can barely string a sentence together, so trying to converse about anything in particular would be a hard slog. Yet a lack of intellect is one of the key reasons for relationships to break when the couple cannot communicate with each other any more, can hardly pass the time of day, and are virtually on two different planets. If that person hasn't got much to say at the beginning, and is not really interested in what matters to you, they won't have anything more to say later on either, when familiarity creeps in and people begin to take each other for granted. Neither are they likely to be the least interested in what you might wish to share with them.

EMOTIONALITY: Is that person a GIVER or a TAKER? Is she warm, kind, generous, and with the emotional capacity to connect with another. This aspect can also be a killer of relationships. People without warmth and love cannot give any to others. They are likely to be self-focused, highly critical of their partners and wanting things done mainly their way. Some people who are natural givers are likely to be stuck with takers who have perhaps had people fawning over them because of their looks, and are not sure how give something back in order to actually reciprocate in a relationship. Soon the novelty wears off, as one person finds himself giving all the time, yet with little appreciation or value coming his way and it's downhill from there. Emotionality and Intellect are the keys to all relationships. Take them away, and the love/affection/empathy would be negligent, while the communication goes to the wall.

Putting looks above everything might net someone a 'beautiful' person in a superficially fulfilling way. But one will be getting a virtual pig in a poke, because the rest of the unknown attractive package - all 75% of it - is likely be their undoing.

Author: The Essential Guide to Confidence 

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