Supergirl S01E03 Review (Parody)

Fight or Flight

"My name is Barry Allen. And I am the fastest man alive. To the outside world, I'm an ordinary forensic scientist, but secretly, with the help of my friends at S.T.A.R. Labs, I fight crime and find other meta-humans like me. I hunted the man who killed my mother, but in doing so, I opened up our world to new threats. And I am the only one fast enough to stop them. I am..." - gets brutally punched out of frame. Kara: "Supergirl!"

 

Kara: "In case you missed the first two episodes because you were busy, not interested or just suffering from Alzheimer, I summarize the story for you."

Audience: "Please don't!"

But to no avail. We see a resume of the boring stuff that happend instead of the more interesting footage for 90 seconds and then we cut to where the last episode left.

Cat Grant: "Who are you?" (actual dialogue)

Great start Ms. Grant...or is it Mrs.? I stick with Miss which makes for some good puns.

Supergirl: "You came up with the lame name so tell me."

Cat Grant: "Trademark is pending." (actual dialogue)

The jokes are writing itself here...all to easy! Supergirl should just change her name just to fuck up "Miss Leads" buisness plan.

Cat Grant: "So, where are you from?"

Supergirl: "I'm from Krypton...which asploded."

Cat Grant: "Yeah, I heard that story before." (actual dialogue)

Supergirl: "Then why are you asking you idiot?"

Cat Grant: "So, you have the same powers as the Man of Steel?"

Supergirl: "Yes, except for the Neck-Breaker. I'm still working on that."

Cat Grant: "Oh, so you're not on par with him yet?"

Supergirl is not amused with "Miss Fire's" statement and breaks her neck....just kiddin', she demonstrates her plasma-vision and nearly cuts off Cat's Prada shoes.

Cat Grant: "Y'know, a weapon demonstration like that can get you into jail in most states?"

Supergirl: "Should I have demonstrated my Freeze-Breath on you instead?"

Cat Grant: "So, why are we hearing from you now? Where were you when the vulcano erupted here two years ago? Or when the Zombie-Apocalypse from 2008 hit us hard? Or the garbage collector strike from 2011? Do you have any idea how bad the smell was during that summer?"

Supergirl: "Listen! I wasn't ready okay?"

Cat Grant: "Are you Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?"

Supergirl: "Did somenoe asked my cousin those questions?"

Cat Grant: "So, he is your cousin then?"

Kara clamps both hands over her loose mouth and flies away – leaving it up to "Miss Fortune" to find her way home.

Cat Grant: "Wait!! Do you have your period like earth women? Do you need waxing too? Do you need a bra or do they defy gravity as well?"

 

Kara meets up with her sister Alex in a cafeteria to have some girly-talk and eat some cake. James randomly appears to remember the audience that he either stalks Supergirl or a more reasonable explanation, that he likes tea – take your pick.

Alex: "You have to stop telling people about Supergirl. The less they know, the better!"

Kara: "Do we always have to discuss my secret identity in public with dozens of people around? Don't worry Alex, I'm very careful...I swear!"

But conveniently a news flash of Cat Grant's interview with Supergirl appears on every TV to prove Kara wrong. Imagine National City had more than just one TV channel! But that's crazy talk. Kara returns to work – and still isn't fired yet for another absence. She and Winn discuss loudly her interview with their boss in the bustling office of CATCO – again! Kara meets her boss in her artsy office while every screen displays a still image of the current headline.

Cat Grant: "A great day for journalism!"

Kara: "Well, your headline says Supergirl is Superman's Cousin! I call that gossip and not journalism."

Cat Grant: "Bulletproof!"

Kara: "What?"

Cat grant: "Bulletproof coffee! It's made from unsalted, grass-fed butter with an extract of coconut oil that improves brain energy. I need a cup of it every hour! Crappy coffee has toxins in it that will rob me of my vigor and creativity!" (actual dialogue...seriously, I don't made that up!)

I had to watch this scene a dozen times at least with a group of experts in biology, medicine and quantum physics but we still couldn't figure out if it was a real sentence, an ad for StarBucks or just random words, badly cut together by a drunk editor. But I digress.

Kara: "How about some Heisenberg meth instead?"

Cat Grant: "Not pure enough! We need to celebrate! A big party with male strippers and stuff...oh, and move that ginger guy to another desk. He looks too similar to the original Jimmy Olsen."

This actually happened.

 

We cut to a random junkyard where a half-naked guy with the worst case of acne stares at the news footage on his TV...which is covered in feces or something. Yes, I'm not kidding this time. He growls and puts on his self-made Iron Man suit – including ARC-Reactor - but it looks more like a cheap Shaq O'Neal cameo. He destroys his TV with a repulsor blast. I guess it was a "shitty" show anyway.

 

Black Ops Desert HQ – Department of Extra-Ordinary...ah, fuckit...I call it Area 51 from now on because I bet it is Area 51 anyway, they just couldn't get the rights? I dunno.

Hank Henshaw: "What were you thinking? What's next? A TV show?" (actual dialogue)

Kara: "Actually, that's kinda appealing..."

Alex: "Why did you spill classified information to the public?"

Kara: "I wanted to help James."

Alex: "Well, he is a handsome hunk, so I'm okay with that."

Kara: "I did that for me too because I want to figure out who I am."

Alex: "Everybody wonders who they are at some point in their lives. You will figure it out Kara – you always have."

Kara: "Obviously I never have because otherwise we wouldn't need that show right?"

Oh wait, that was me asking that out loud and not Kara. My bad...skip that. The monitor girl from the pilot episode informs the group that HBO is back again after Superman destroyed the satelite earlier in his own movie. They are staring at some news footage from a highway car accident which causes a "Code Grey"? I wonder what Code Red means in the DEO.

Monitor Girl: "No sign of alien activity, we're clear sir."

 

Supergirl flies instantly to the multiple car crash location where her first move is to snap a sparkling wire...yes, you heard right – she neck-snaps a wire so it stops sparkling with electricity! Electrical wires in this universe share the same anatomy like spines. She saves a female bus driver from sitting uncomfortably in a toppled bus – a job only a superhero could get done! Eat that rescue workers! But it was a trap! Iron Ma..err Trashcan-Man flies in and zaps Supergirl with his Repulsor-thingie.

Kara: "Who are you?"

Trashcan-Man: "Why? Want an autograph?"

Trashcan-Man zaps her again. They fight. He is clusmy and lame. She is super-fast and has god-like strength. It doesn't turn out so well for him. He should wear a suit made from vibranium next time instead of recycled soda-cans. His suit damaged, he flies away – very slowly while Supergirl just stares as he gains yard after yard of height. But another Superman-Logo cuts the scene, so we never find out why she not just plucked him from the air like a bumblebee.

 

Back to the exposition room in Area 51.

Hank Henshaw: "Reactron."

Kara: "What?"

Hank Henshaw: "That's what the Daily Planet called him."

Kara: "What kind of stupid name is that?"

My words exactly. Thanks Supergirl.

Hank Henshaw: "Jimmy Olsen called him that."

Kara: "What a geat name!"

Hank Henshaw: "He is one of Superman's most formidable enemies!"

Kara: "You're kiddin' me? This rusty bucket?"

Hank Henshaw: "Not my words. It's in the description for this episode on imdb."

Seriously, look it up. I don't made this shit up.

Kara: "So, how do we stop him?"

Hank Henshaw: "I try to ignore that you could have easily capture him before but then this episode would be over and we still have over 30 minutes to cover. I'm serious, we are still in the intro! Just look at all those names still coming up on screen."

Alex: "He is no alien so he does not fall under our jurisdiction." (actual dialogue)

Kara: "But he shoots radioactive firebolts!"

Hank Henshaw: "Look, we may be black ops but our biggest enemy is still bureaucracy! Ask the NRC or even better your cousin."

 

But hunting aliens and secret governments are boring so we cut back to CATCO where Cat Grant expresses random quirkiness.

Cat Grant: "Do you hear that?"

Kara: "Hear what?"

Cat Grant: "Either it's the audience laughing their asses off or the Academy Award committee susurrate about my Oscar-worthy performance. I think it's the latter."

James: "She's a little bit tense today?"

Kara: "No, I think that's the real Cat when she is not on medication."

Winn lures them into an abandoned office which he furnished with some pretty expensive tech. He wants to use it from now on as new base of Secret Supergirl Operations - or short SSO.

Kara: "This must have cost a fortune!"

Winn: "Well, that's not important. More important is that we are still in the CATCO building, so we technically aren't absent from work when we help you."

Kara: "Cool, let's find Reactron."

James: "What? Reactron is here? And why do I not act surprised at all?"

Winn: "I wrote an algorithm that sweeps the city for any variable changes in radioactivity." (actual dialogue)

James: "Hold on a sec 'kay? You tell us that your computer-rythm can scan the city? You know that you need scanners all over the place first to do that?"

Kara: "This is soo exciting! Now I have my own team of mega-experts and a secret base! This is so unlike the Flash or Arrow."

Winn: "Yes, the Flash will blush and the Arrow will turn green with envy if they see this...someday."

James: "You better call your cousin to do this because he killed Clark once." (actual dialogue)

Winn: "Clark? Clark Kent is Superman?"

James Olsen just shrugs and Kara didn't punch him to the moon. Yes folks, that's the tone of this show. So, now the bumbling office clerk knows both secret identities - a guy who would confess anything under the threat of forcing him to watch a Barbara Streisand concert. It's like giving Homer Simpson the launch codes for America's ICBM's. One single donut and we a re all toast.

 

Lord Industries (seriously): Maxwell Lord stares at a giant Nike shoe and wants to add blue streaks since this way it would look original. He speaks in chinese or swahilli since the words coming from his mouth doesn't make any sense. But generic scientist #1 counters with some tech-babblish and gets instantly fired. Guess, he should have worked on his grammar. Suddenly, Reactron enters via self-made roof access and is searching for a rocket scientist. Looks like scientist #1 can consider himself lucky for being fired cause Reactron grabs his successor and wants to kidnap him.

Maxwell Lord: "I'm smarter, more handsome, richer and last but not least way more important than this lab grunt. So, take me instead!"

This happens...seriously guys, I swear! I don't make this up. Words spread faster than light and Kara sees a news footage of Reactron's actions. So much for Winn's Super-Algorithm!

 

24 hours later, Maxwell Lord still can't be found.

Kara: "I have to find him. How do I do that?" (actual dialogue)

Winn shrugs. Lucky for Reactron they immediately forgot about the Super-Duper-Mega-Algorithm. This happens when two or more people write a script and no one does proof-reading.

Alex: "I can help since I'm an expert in alien biology!"

Winn: "Great! You can use our secret base. Wait I order some pizza there since we might be stuck there for a while."

Alex: "I reprogrammed our DEO satellites to scan for Thorium 232 - his power source. It can only be found in this single nuclear power plant."

Wow, in our reality it can be found anywhere. Especially in uranium and coal mines. It's not so rare as it sounds, even the isotope is pretty common by scientists standards. But I digress.

James: "I know that NPP! Superman once stopped terrorists there."

Alex: "But one scientist got a radiation overdose and his wife died. Since then he wants to kill Superman."

Kara: "Yes, but these are two information that doesn't help me at all."

 

Reactron's junkyard:

Maxwell Lord: "You ever considered Feng Shui? This place is a mess!"

Reactron: "I want you to find out what's wrong with my suit."

Maxwell Lord: "Since I'm bound to a chair and have to look at it from a distance, I deduce your flux compensator creates a bottleneck for your quantum flow."

Reactron: Walks around bare-chested again.

Maxwell Lord: "You look sick. Radiation? Y'know we could get back to my lab so I could help you gain a normal life."

Reactron: "I had a normal life once."

Maxwell Lord: "Err...yes, and I can give it back to you. Do I speak swahilli again?"

Reactron: "It didn't worked out so well."

Maxwell Lord: "So? No big loss then?"

Reactron: "You repair my suit and I don't turn you into nuclear charcoal okay?"

Maxwell Lord: "Terms accepted if you can bring me a Dr. Pepper."

Reactron: "Deal!"

 

Back to CATCO Wellness & Spa...and shenanigans.

Kara: "I'm finished proof-reading your Supergirl article and I think you need to see your psychiatrist...soon!"

Cat Grant: "Do I hear a little critique?"

Kara: "Well, look...you just talked to her for a few minutes but it looks like you wrote her biography."

Cat grant: "This is how journalism works Kara."

Kara: "No, that's how gossip works."

James Olsen interrupts maybe another termination monologue to inform Kara about something.

James: "Winn found the same mold like the one used in Chernobyl." (headache)

Kara: "Winn found what in where? When and how?"

James: "Listen, it's not important. Reactron is in a local junkyard."

Kara: "You could have started with that instead trying to sell me this ridiculous fairy tale James."

James: "I know, but I wanted to sound useful and not just being the black delivery boy again okay?"

 

Kara flies to the mentioned junkyard and tries to reason with Reactron. Again, she don't use her super-vision to find Reactron or his hostage. She is asking for a serious beatdown. She notices a hut made out of corrugated steel and finds Maxwell Lord inside - still bound.

Maxwell Lord: "You look taller on TV." (actual dialogue)

Kara: "It's my hair isn't it? Where is Reactron?"

Reactron appears out of nowhere and punches Supergirl through the junkyard.

Kara: "I know who you are. Your wife wouldn't want you to do that."

Reactron: "My wife is dead! Now Superman looses someone too!"

Supergirl avoids to use any other power except super-groan and gets kicked around. He uses radioactivity on her which shouldn't even mess up her hair but she falls down in pain since we are just half through this episode. Before she passes out, she gets saved by a shadowy figure with a cape...could be anyone - Red Tornado, Shazam, Martian Manhunter, Batman, Dr. Fate or Blankman...or could it be Superman? Nah, that would be awkward.

 

Kara awakes in her luxury apartment after a few hours. Alex and James are there too and a termination letter from CATCO...just kidding, no one gets fired for skipping work in this universe.

Kara: "Where is my cousin?"

James: "Gone. Volcano in Metropolis."

The TV turns on itself to display a news footage about Maxwell Lord's rescue - starring Maxwell Lord.

Maxwell Lord: "I wanted to thank the great hero who rescued me....Superman!"

Kara: "What an asshole! I rescued him and he wasn't even present anymore when my cousin rescued me!"

Oh, wait...wait. That was my dialogue. Kara just stares with an open mouth.

Kara: "How did my cousin knew I'm in trouble?"

James: "I called him with my iWatch. I promised him to keep an eye on you."

Kara: "My cousin doesn't need help when he started, so neither should I!"

James: "Uhm, so what's with the pep talk from the earlier episode then? Y'know, getting help is an honor? You sound like a hypocrite."

Kara: "What? Get outta here!"

Alex: "Don't be mad at him. He's too handsome to be mad at him for long."

Kara: "I know but I'm done getting rescued by men! I don't wanna be the damsel in distress!"

Alex: "You know that you just started your superhero career two weeks ago?"

 

The CATCO party starts. Lucky for Kara, her friends did all the work for her so she still has her job. Every hostess is wearing a Supergirl outfit. I'm pretty sure nothing bad will happen to them in this episode.

Cat Grant: "Kara! Where are the magazines? The ones you were suppose to order and present here?"

Winn: "Well, Kara was busy the whole night signing them for you."

Cat Grant. "Isthatso? Well, then I don't have to do it..great work."

Kara: "You just saved my life."

Winn: "Wait until she find out you didn't."

Winn tries to get into Kara's panties again while Cat Grant is going for a dance with Maxwell Lord. I skip that cause it has nothing valuable to do with the current plot and watching elderly white people dancing to modern electro-beats is always awkward.

 

Area 51:

Hank Henshaw roams around the facility when his eyes start to glow red again. He senses Alex presence. He don't know when one of his agents enters the secret base? Or who is present at the time? Looks like they don't have any kind of security system in their base. This is so unlike the Flash.

Hank Henshaw: "What are you doing here?"

Alex: "Trying to save my sister."

Hank Henshaw. "You have trouble following orders Danvers."

Alex: "Well, actually I still do alien stuff since my sister is one."

Hank Henshaw: "Point taken. Let me help you."

Alex: "Wow, that was way easier then I thought."

 

Back at the CATCO party. Kara giggles and frolics with Winn on the dance floor when James appears in a tailor-made Hugo Boss suit to cut in. He opens up to her in a very emotional way that could only be the prelude for a romantic...but fortunately, Reactron enters and interrupts the heavy schmalz. He burns a Supergirl poster with his dangerous nuclear firebolts and mercifully no one gets cancer. He goes for Maxwell Smart...err Lord, who is a smartass to thank him personally with a thorium-beam to his face. But Supergirl appears and rescues him again. I hope this time he remembers correctly who saved his sorry ass.

Kara: "Your going to jail...I hope there is one for people like you."

Barry Allen waves in the background.

Reactron: "Maybe another day. Have some nuclear plasma instead!"

Everyone could have seen this attack from a mile away but Supergirl doesn't even nudge. She uses Kal-El's baby blanket as shield which ricochets the blast somehow? The blast cracks a pillar and would have steamrolled Winn if not for Supergirl.

Kara: "You went to the Prometheus school of running away from things?"

Reactron takes advantage of the situation and wants to briquette Supergirl into charcoal..or does he wants to charcoal Supergirl into a briquette? Anyway, James Olsen jumps in to distract Reactron with some crazy dance moves while Rocket Raccoon gets his BFG ready...oh wait. Wrong franchise.

James: "Hey tin head! Remember me? I gave you that silly name!"

He then runs away like a pussy. Reactron wrathfully follows him. Supergirl can drop the pillar now since Winn finally decided to crawl away. Why she didn't used the pillar as baseball bat is beyond me. Maybe she has no clue how baseball works.

Alex: "We may found out how to stop Reactron."

Hank Henshaw: "His chest piece is powered by a demon core." (actual dialogue)

Kara: "What? This TV show becomes more convulated and stupid than Jupiter Ascending and Terminator Genisys combined!"

Alex: "Listen Kara. You have to rip out that core and contain it in lead otherwise it will go nuke."

Supergirl finally does something smart to scan the room with her x-ray vision. Since she can't see through lead she finds an ancient bust with ease and melts it down. I hope Cat Grant has a good insurance - that relique looked pretty expensive. She covers her right hand with molten lead which immediately cools down but stays liquid somehow so it works like a rubber glove. James Olsen is running for his life but is better at dodging nuclear blasts unlike Supergirl. She swoops in for some more punching and blocks his thorium-beam with her left hand. This time it doesn't seem to hurt. But the energy beam works like a water hose and presses her backwards. My flashlight can do that too if I only could afford some thorium batteries. She rips out his "demon core" which shuts him down like a robot? James enters and isn't even remotely concerned about getting leukaemia from the highly radioactive core Kara still holds in her hands.

Kara: "You could have been killed!"

James: "You're my guardian angel!"

They hug and kiss and live happily together forever...oh wait, there are still 6 minutes to cover?

 

Area 51:

Kara: "Thanks for helping me...both of you."

Hank Henshaw: "You can thank me by filling those reports."

Kara: "He is so funny!"

Alex: "So, how Supergirl celebrates?"

Kara: "Let's watch some movies. We could watch Avengers: Age of Ultron!"

Alex: "Or...you go to a certain hunk, rip his tight shirt off and have some magic time instead?"

 

CATCO Headquarters where everyone pretents to be working. Kara wants to talk to James but he is visited by a pornstar...err sorry - Exotic Actress.

James: Kara, meet Lucy Lane. Lucy, this is Kara."

Kara: "Nice to meet you. Related to..?"

Lucy: "Yes, my older sister is Lois Lane."

Kara leaves but eavesdrop with her super-hearing which she obviously only uses to spy on her friends. Looks like James and Lucy had some history - the steaming kind. Well, Winn is still available I guess. She immediately gives up on James - so much for female empowerment and starts chatting with her cousin. They text about secret superhero stuff and hope that either Homeland Security or the NSA will filter it out as a joke.

 

Epilogue: Kara and Alex have some sister time consuming chinese food while listen to a shitty cover version of Cindy Lauper's "Girl's just wanna have fun". I need to go to see my therapist now.