Supergirl Episode 5 Review (Parody)

CBS cancelled the 4th episode out of respect to the recent events in France. Episode 4 obviously contains some terror theme, but since the whole show is pure terror for a sane mind...but I digress.

 

"LiveWire"

"When I was a child, my planet, Krypton, was dying. I was sent to Earth to protect my cousin. But my pod (pod? It can go into hyperspace so I would rather call it a spaceship) got knocked off course and by the time I got here, my cousin had already grown up and become Superman. And so I hid my powers until recently, when an accident (accident? I thought that plane crashed because of Klingon sabotage) forced me to reveal myself to the world. To most people, I'm an assistant (more like an absent) at CatCo Worldwide Media. But in secret (yeah tell us about your secret, it's just episode 5 and six people plus the whole DEO knows about it already), I work with my adopted sister and the DEO to protect my city from alien life and any one else that means to cause it harm. I am Supergirl."

 

Only two DEO agents lead an alien/demon(?) on a leash directly into the main exposition room of the DEO. What could go possibly wrong? But unfortunately they forgot to read Superman's Guide to Safely Explore the Universe or ignored the last experiences with aliens and it breaks free with ease and they shoot tranquillizer at him - but he hulks out instead. What follows is a pathetic attempt to overpower him and the highly skilled and well trained DEO agents get their asses handed to them. But Supergirl appears out of nowhere - maybe she can teleport now? - and punches him into submission.

Kara: "Peww, he was tough."

Hank Henshaw: "She." Kara: "Oh? That's why my special nut-cracker move didn't worked. So, can I have the rest of the day off?"

Hank Henshaw: "Why? Do you have other work to do?"

Kara: "You're so funny."

Kara flies to her luxury apartment instead to work where she is suppose to be to earn cash, pay taxes, pay her rent, pay the power bills but who is counting aye? She leaves a jet trail behind...I guess she is a plane after all. No wonder the cape messed with her aerodynamics.

Kara: "Sorry I'm late but I feel so alienated today."

Alex: "Very funny, mom will be here in a sec and I'm kinda nervous about the whole Supergirl thing."

Ma Danvers: "Knock, knock."

Kara: "Mom! Where is dad?"

Ma Danvers: "At home of course. This show is about female empowerment. Men are only useful as minions or sex toys amirite girls?"

Alex: "Absofuckinglutely!"

They sit down to listen to a radio show about Supergirl instead to talk about anything else. The radio show is hosted by Leslie Willis and is called "Alive and Wired". Subtly isn't one of the writers strong points.

Leslie Willis: "Her dress is soo past tense and what's with the un-sexy skirt? Does she try to hide cellulite? And her chest - she is like super-flat!"

It is always a good advice to mock about someone who could literally kill you with her eyes...or give you cancer and totally get a way with it. There is obviously no eBay in this universe, otherwise Kara could have ordered an outfit that's not lame for just 47.99$.

But I digress...again.

Everyone listens to the show at CATCO instead to work. Winn listens as well and looks pretty upset about the fashion critique. Cat Grant impersonated a living being having diner but fails miserably.

Kara returns to work after her breakfast with her mom and sister...wait, she fought an alien in the morning, then had some breakfast and listen to a radio show. Did her work schedule start at noon? Leslie Willis is in Cat's office and Kara once more uses her super-listening powers for personal benefit and not when it counts. The camera zooms onto her ear with a clearly visible piercing in it. Vanity finds a way I guess.

Cat Grant: "Let's make one thing clear. I branded Supergirl, so only I have the right to bitch about her!"

Leslie Willis: "You told me to mock about every celebrity. Why is she different?"

Cat Grant: "I kinda birthed her so I want to be her surrogate mother."

Leslie Willis: "Now I see why this show is tagged as drama instead of comedy."

Cat Grant: "Your rants about Supergirl are off the table. Since we have a running contract with you so I can't fire you, instead you become a traffic reporter. Into the chopper with you cause there is a thunderstorm brooding outside."

Leslie Willis: "You know, you could just told me before to exclude Supergirl from my daily rants then we wouldn't even have this discussion you cheap Cruella De Vil rip-off."

Kara went to a cafeteria to order food(?) for her family thanksgiving weekend and...wait! Thanksgiving? So, episode four is then about Halloween right? A Halloween episode with bombs/terror in it? Will there be a Green Goblin or a Jack O'Lantern rip-off? Can't wait for that episode...but I digress again. Back to the cafeteria and guess who is sitting there already?

Kara: "If you are scared about the thunder I could hug you y'know?"

James: "That's so sweet of you but Lucy and I have plans already."

Kara: "That's romantic."

Lucy Lane enters and Kara leaves James. Alex Danvers enters and they discuss her secret DEO career in the silent cafeteria full of people.

Alex: "Mom will rip me apart if she finds out!" Kara: "Seriously, do we always have to discuss our secret identities in the public?"

The night sky of National City is cooking hot with thunder and lightning. And since National City is famous for the worst pilots, we see a news helicopter flying around.

Pilot: "I think we better head back."

Leslie Willis: "Since I'm supposed to covering traffic we do covering traffic."

Pilot: "Well, actually you're not my boss and I'm not only allowed to fly under such weather circumstances, the insurance company will sue the hell out of CATCO if some..."

The helicopter gets hit by lightning and is circling downwards fast - conveniently into the view of Kara. Kara lifts off as Supergirl to save the night. The pilot drops out since seatbelts are for pussies and she has to rescue him first. She saves Leslie before she hits a skyscraper with the out of control helicopter and wants her to hold her hand for the sole reason to create a situation where a sudden lightning bolt hits Supergirl.

RIP Leslie Willis. If those skyscrapers just had lightning arresters.

The Superman-Logo makes it different again for the audience to follow what happened next.

National City Medical Center for Lightning-Struck Future Metahumans (since Central City is too far away): Leslie Willis - not dead but in a coma - is wearing a shitty white wig while Cat Grant, visibly uncomfortable, tries to avoid touching anything because it reminds her of her own approximating deadline. Kara is there too...for some reason.

Cat Grant: "Shouldn't you be at work?"

Kara: "You try to sound mean but you paid for her treatment."

Cat Grant: "She has no family...that I know of."

Kara: "And who send all those flowers?"

Cat Grant. "Her fans. They even created a shrine in front of CATCO like she is already dead."

Kara: "Weird, it's like they mistaken the ivory tower of yours with a cathedral."

Kara is dismissed so Cat can have a personal monologue with coma-girl.

Cat Grant: "Get up off your ass Leslie. You and I know that you're tougher than a bolt of lightning." (actual dialogue)

Yeah, getting struck by lighting is like tequila night - it knocks you out but you awake the next day with just a hangover. Cat leaves and misses an obscure power fickle and a close up shot cliché of Leslie awakens with freaky eyes.

Alex watches the news update about Leslie Willis when her mom orders her to turn of the TV. I guess she is more into radio. Fucking hipsters.

Alex: "I get it...you're mad."

Ma Danvers: "How could you allow her put on that cape?"

Alex: "Uhm, she is super-strong and invincible remember?"

Ma Danvers: "And? You have access to Kryptonite!"

Alex: "Look, this isn't going anywhere. I have to work."

Flashback - eleven years into the past: Pa Danvers is watching the stars with his telescope when a weird space-elf with rocket skates/boots is chasing bounty hunters above a corn field.

Pa Danvers: "Hm, that's weird....but nothing new to me."

Ma Danvers: "Girls are sleeping Dr. Danvers."

Pa Danvers: "Good to hear Dr. Danvers. Smoochie time?"

Despite Ma Danvers looks like she could be Pa Danvers mother, they go down & dirty but thankfully the camera pans away to Kara and Alex on the roof. They look like they are about the same age even though adult Alex is obviously 8 years older. Well, looks like the women in the Danvers family are aging visibly faster. Kara convinced her adopted sister for some nightly flying and then the flashback ends. What was the point for this scene again?

A steamy alley behind the medical center: Leslie Willis is clothed in a full black fetish/cosplay outfit, stumbling around amazed about the lightning sparkling from her fingertips. Since Supergirl figured out lately that neck-snapping a sparkling wire stops wires from sparkling, I have a very bad feeling how this episode will end. A handsome rapist appears to remind women not to walk alone in dark alleys.

Rapist: "Uh, look at that. A Storm cosplayer."

Leslie: "Leave me alone looser."

Rapist: "I want to Hall' your Berry!"

She electrocutes him and instantly orgasm which immediately gives her the knowledge of how to use her new powers because she imitates Electro and vanishes into the street lights. Someone should call Spiderman.

The thunderstorm is still raging over National City when the Danvers having their thanksgiving diner. Winn is there too because he has no family or friends. Kara heats up the turkey with her plasma-vision and gratefully it doesn't explode in her face.

Winn: "She comes in handy."

Ma Danvers: "First time she did it I was a little worried." (actual dialogue)

Seriously? So Kara spent her youth wasting her powers for cooking? Did she used her super-speed solely to clean up the house? I can imagine what it must have been like to grow up among humans as a godlike alien from a superior race with advanced technology. Boring as shit! I bet her biggest challenge was to iron the shirts right. Alex is drunk and bitches back and forth with her mom - the concept of thanksgiving isn't very aware to the Danvers. But the female Space-Jesus thankfully jumps on the morale-train and reminds everyone to be thankful to the Wampanoag people and that tomorrow is black friday! Yay! Discount shoes and stuff!

Kara: "I'm thankful for this luxury apartment, that I'm still employed, for Kal-El's baby blanket and that Leslie Willis is in coma for bitchin' about me. Yeah karma!"

Winn: "May I ask why you are wearing this silly glasses? Everyone here knows about your secret."

James calls and Kara immediately drops the heart-warming family gathering to act like a twirly teenager dating Zac Efron and leaves the dining room. Great Kara.

Winn: "So, Eliza...you're a scientist?"

Oh? Ma Danvers has a name...that's odd. I stick to my naming nonetheless.

Ma Danvers: "I engineer bio, so I'm a Bio-Engineer like my daughter Alex."

Alex: "Actually I advanced to alien hunting for the government mom."

Ma Danvers: "You did what Alexandra?"

Kara: "The perfect time to add unnecessary drama."

Alex: "Do you think I spent my entire life looking after Kara? That was her mission too but her cousin grew up."

Kara: "Technically, you still look after me..."

Ma Danvers: "Do you think your father will be proud of you?"

Yeah, good idea let's ask him...oh wait, he isn't here so it is kinda pointless to bring him into this conservation. Alex leaves upset. I hope she doesn't drive after she killed the bottle of wine all by herself. Winn is leaving too.

Winn: "See? This is why I don't have a family...or friends. Awkwaaaard."

Kara: "It was my choice to become Supergirl. Why are you always so much harder on her?"

I bet it is because she has no super powers. Cat Grant calls and Kara has to go to her office. Wait? Isn't thanksgiving an official holiday and it is already late evening? Cat Grant has no soul.

Another flashback to the past: Kara and Alex sneak back into the house after their flying session. Why didn't she flew back into their room?

Pa Danvers: "You're both in deep trouble..well only Alex since Kara is invincible so spanking her butt will achieve nothing here."

A knocking at the door interrupts the punishment dialogue.

Ma Danvers: "Both of you upstairs and Kara no super-listening for you. Alex make sure she won't."

How will she ensure that? Singing as loud and bad as she can?

Hank Henshaw: "Dr. Danvers, I'd like to speak with you and your husband." (actual dialogue) I thought Pa Danvers was a Dr. too? Ah wait, I forgot what this show is about. Well, at least that explains how the DEO came into possession of Kara's spaceship...err sorry - pod.

CATCO Media Tower of Insomnia:

Kara: "What's the emergency."

Cat Grant: "Last minute conference call but nothing is working not even my phones." (actual dialogue)

Kara: "And why did you call me? I'm not IT!"

Cat Grant: "But your my handyman." (pun intended)

Kara: "I think we need Winn."

Cat Grant: "What's a winn?" (actual dialogue)

Kara: "The IT guy."

Cat Grant: "The black guy?"

Kara: "No."

Cat Grant: "The annoying ginger guy?"

Kara: "Two misses. Last chance."

Leslie: "Garble, garble. Miss me?"

I bet she meant "Google, Google" since she is digital now?

Cat Grant: "Leslie?"

Leslie: "Leslie Willis is dead. This is Leslie 2.0 - LiveWire!"

Leslie: "Not this one! I'm no Harley!"

Leslie: "Close, but not that sexy."

LiveWire: "Ta-daa!"

Cat and Kara scream in horror and try to high-heel away from the terrible wicked witch cosplayer.

Cat Grant: "Go get some manly men Kara. I distract her."

LiveWire or is it Leslie 2.0?: "Here kitty-kitty."

She should try catnip - works like a charm. Cat Grant attempts to become a ninja fail but Supergirl arrives in time to act as meat shield.

Kara: "Let me help you."

LiveWire: "Cute, but I like my new wig."

LiveWire wants to electrocute Supergirl but she blocks the incoming lightning with her Plasma-Vision™ (trademark is pending). I wonder what Neil DeGrasse Tyson has to say in that matter. Cat Grant uses her personal turbolift to escape - why it's working? Magic, that's why. LiveWire and Supergirl have some melee fight despite that LiveWire has no super-strength but she turns the elevator into a "ground-breaking device" by making it fall like a stone. Supergirl has to save Cat before she becomes FlatCat.

National City has a total blackout but the news are still sending live footage...magic again.

Hank Henshaw: "Leslie Willis did that?"

Kara: "Yes, she is in charge."

Hank Henshaw: "How did this happen?"

Kara: "She got hit by lightning."

Hank Henshaw: "No she didn't, but you did."

Wait? How could he possible know this? The reports said that Leslie was hit by lightning. Must be magic again.

Hank Henshaw: "The electrical discharge through your body was altered by your kryptonian DNA!" (actual dialogue)

I wanted to stick with my magic theory but that sounds way more reasonable.

Kara: "So it's my fault."

Yes Kara, Leslie became a psychopathic killer because you saved her from turning into pavement paint.

Hank Henshaw: "She lives on energy?"

Kara: "Yes, she sucked up my Plasma-Vision™ like a line of cocaine."

Cat Grant: "Excuse me Agent...Mulder is it?" (actual dialogue)

Hank Henshaw: "Agent Monroe."

Cat Grant: "I hope the FBI compensates me for the damage they cause?"

Hank Henshaw: "Shouldn't you be in a hospital for a trauma treatment? And a tox-screen seems to be overdue Ma'am."

Kara: "I guide you out Agent Monroe."

Hank Henshaw: "We have an extra-dimensional alien prisoner in the DEO that would be able to stop LiveWire. It is called a <incomprehensible>."

Kara: "What was that? A Sorrow-Lab? A Sour-Lap?"

Hank Henshaw: "Don't force me to repeat that ridiculous line okay? The point is this species consist of pure sentient energy."

Kara: "How do you even manage to catch him then? Magic?"

Hank Henshaw: "Doesn't matter. We maybe can modify a trap with him. Gotta go."

Back into Cat's office:

Kara: "Is there something you need? Some Bulletproof coffee maybe?"

Cat Grant: "I need my life back." (actual dialogue)

Didn't knew she lost her life or had one in the first place either. People without a soul have no life - like the Undead.

Cat Grant: "You should go back to your family." (touching)

Kara: "I don't want to leave you alone with LiveWire on the loose."

Cat Grant: "You? You're useless." (actual dialogue)

See? That is exactly what I meant. Even the DEO...sorry..the FBI felt no sympathy for that woman because the roast pit in hell is already warmed up for her.

Kara: "Cute, but I don't feel like going back. My sister had a fight with my foster mother."

Cat Grant: "You are adopted?"

Well done Kara. Not only would you rather stay with CBS's version of the Queen of Hearts from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, no you literally gave her valuable information about you to become suspicious enough to blow your cover at some point. Cat Grant became rich and famous by digging through the dirt of other peoples life and checking their closets for skeletons. Ladies and Gentlemen - the bottom line of a superior, kryptonian intellect. I will call her from now on: Stupor-Girl...yeah, sounds legit.

Back to Kara's luxury fortress of shenanigans: Ma Danvers sets some candles because there is still a blackout in the city while Ellie Goulding's "Take me to church" plays in the background. Is she awaiting a Callboy? Alex enters and isn't even slightly suspicious about the setup. Maybe Ma Danvers is sexually more open-minded than expected.

Alex: "I just wanted to check if you're okay mom."

Ma Danvers: "I'm okay Alex. Please ignore the White Lightning™ Wet Ride lube bottle."

Alex: "I don't came here to fight."

Ma Danvers: "Nono, it's not for you...please take a seat."

Alex: "You told me to look for others before myself. So, then why hasn't there ever been enough?"

Alex wants to become more selfish I guess.

Ma Danvers: "I always wanted you to be better than me. You were always my Supergirl."

Alex wants to commit something very important but her cellphone rings. The total blackout effects even mobiles but I guess hers is running on fairy dust.

Cat Grant is sitting on her roof terrace, sipping expensive wine when Stupor-Girl drops in.

Cat Grant: "You know, if you give me your cellphone number we could stop meeting like this."

How about Tinder?

Stupor-Girl: "Hello Ms. Grant. I should find it very suspicious that your penthouse is well lit."

Cat Grant: "I have a giant treadmill in my basement and access to many orphan children."

That's not true but not only fits it her character better, it's more reasonable than another example for spontaneous magic.

Stupor-Girl: "So, why did I come here anyway?"

Cat Grant: "You are clueless about how to find LiveWire and I want to see her in jail too. Partners?"

This wont end well. Watch your soul Stupor-Girl!

Area 51:

Hank Henshaw: "Lightning in a bottle." (actual dialogue)

Alex: "Or technically, a portable sentient-energy-catcher."

Hank Henshaw: "We found that device in Dr. Egon Spengler's inheritance and Alex modified it with some old notes from Dr. Venkman."

Kara: "Wow, this so unlike Ghostbusters...err, I meant sounds like a plan...sir!"

Hank Henshaw: "Since she isn't an alien, we can't help you any further."

Alex: "If LiveWire sucked up enough power...."

Kara: "I know - she can hurt me."

Alex: "She could kill you."

It is astonishing how much Alex knows about kryptonian physique and it's limits but where did she learned about LiveWires powers? She probably called Cisco Ramone.

CATCO Ivory Tower Radio Station: Cat Grant playing Radio DJ sending a message via the magically-powered radio station to bait LiveWire.

Cat Grant: "This is for the brat that sucks. Let's meet where all began as they say."

Cat Grant waits in front of an old radio station which oddly enough, still has posters of the old Leslie Willis on the windows in case the audience forgot. They use the exact same aerial shot and effect from the Flash show to demonstrate how LiveWire "flashes" through the streets.

LiveWire: "Where's your bodyguard?"

Cat Grant: "My body doesn't need to be guarded. Just give me your terms."

LiveWire: "I just want your skin and there are so many ways to skin a...."

Cat Grant: "I get it. You sound like a comment section troll. Are we gonna talk or not?"

For someone who became CEO of an international media empire she sucks at judging a dangerous situation. What did she expect would happen? A pissing contest? LiveWire shoots some deadly lightning bolts after Cat Grant but her stunt double gracefully cartwheels behind a car to safety. Stupor-Girl appears and tries to look threatening but fails miserably.

LiveWire: "Your 15 minutes of fame are up A-Cup Girl."

Stupor-Girl: "Oh, shut up you mean girl!" (actual dialogue)

Stupor-Girl punches around which doesn't work and LiveWire uses her lightning as some kind of whip? Except that the crack of the whip sounds like thunder. Oh gosh..there is still 8 minutes to cover? I'm a wreck already. Well, LiveWire uses her eWhip™ to wrap it around Stupor-Girl's neck and it works like a rope...afterwards she bondages Stupor-Girl with her "live-wire" and lifts her into the air because that's how electricity works. Stupor-Girl activates the remote for the ghost trap which still works for some reason (magic) but unfortunately LiveWire just levelled-up before and spent a few points to raise her cunning attribute and destroys the trap.

LiveWire: "Let's see if I can stop your heart."

Cat Grant: "You don't have to do this Leslie!"

This poor distraction somehow works long enough so that Stupor-Girl can rip out a water pipe from below the street and shower LiveWire into short-circuity.

The next day at CATCO:

Kara: "Here is some leftover food from my failed thanksgiving event. Get yourself stuffed."

Winn: "Yay! I never told you what I was grateful for...it was you."

Winn smooches Kara on her check which visibly gives her the creeps but thankfully James appears with Lucy in the tow.

Kara: "Oh hey. How was your absence from this episode?"

James: "Great. But I can't miss Black Friday right?"

Cat Grant: "Kara, I noticed that I don't know much about you. That will change."

See? Now she is on your tail Kara (slow clap).

Epilogue: The Danvers have a heart-warming goodbye scene with a mediocre amount of schmalz. But Ma Danvers has something important say.

Ma Danvers: "I know you work for the DEO Alex. Your dad did not die in a plane crash."

Alex/Kara: "What? Dad is dead! We didn't knew that!"

The audience neither. To be fair, his short cameos were without relevance to the story anyway.

Flashback:

Hank Henshaw: "We take the alien girl with us."

Pa Danvers: "You wont because you're not the youth welfare service!"

Hank Henshaw: "You don't have any options here Dr. Jeremiah Danvers."

Pa Danvers: "You can have me. I know everything about Superman. I work for you and you can have my research and in return you leave Kara alone!"

Well, this suddenly explains how the DEO knew about Superman's fortress of solitude, Kryptonite and the Phantom Zone. That doesn't make this show better or more reasonable since Pa Danvers could have just called his buddy Superman and tell him everything about those puny humans that threaten his family. Several neck-breakers later and the problem would be solved but Superman is just a blurry myth in this show...

Hank Henshaw: "Welcome to the DEO. High five?"

Ma Danvers: "Your father died working for the DEO under a man called Hank Henshaw." Dan dan daan!

LiveWire is boxed inside snow-white's glass coffin somewhere in Area 51.

Hank Henshaw: "Good job Stupor-Girl. The DEO has now it's first non-alien prisoner."

I thought the DEO is only responsible for alien activities. Call Cisco damnit.

Kara: "Yes sir. You're right sir."

Hank Henshaw shakes his head and leaves.

Alex: "We have to find out what happened to my dad." Kara: "Absofuckinglutely."