Supergirl S01E17 Review (Parody)

Manhunter

 

"J'onn J'onzz reveals how he met Jeremiah Danvers and assumed the identity of Hank Henshaw."
imdb.com

 

Great, my job is done...excellent summary...

...what?

There is more?

...sigh...okay.

But I keep it short.

 

 

Kara's Luxury Apartment of Brooding:

Kara is watching the news about herself. She tried to solve a bank robbery/hostage situation and didn't even needed to speak because the criminals give up immediately because Supergirl is now infamous for destroying manchild toys. Seriously, everyone is fucking frightened of her because she destroyed a flatscreen and two cop cars in her 5 minute rampage.

Superman, aka the Man of Steel, completely demolished Smallville and most of Metropolis and they build him a fucking statue at ground zero!

 

 

CatCo - Home of Hel:

The soul-collecting Queen of Hearts, daughter of Loki is watching the news with stoic expression leaving enough room for interpretation about what she is up to. Cat Grant probably just tries to figure out how to un-defamine Supergirl so she would be able to harvest her soul out of gratitude.

ʃəˈvɔːn) messages Winn about "Noonan". Noonan? Dr. House please help me out here.

 

Dr. House: "Noonan syndrome is a genetic condition that affects many areas of the body. It is characterized by mildly unusual facial characteristics, short stature, heart defects, bleeding problems, skeletal malformations, and many other signs and symptoms.

 

People with Noonan syndrome have distinctive facial features such as a deep groove in the area between the nose and mouth (philtrum), widely spaced eyes that are usually pale blue or blue-green in color, and low-set ears that are rotated backward. Affected individuals may have a high arch in the roof of the mouth (high-arched palate), poor alignment of the teeth, and a small lower jaw (micrognathia). Many children with Noonan syndrome have a short neck and both children and adults may have excess neck skin (also called webbing) and a low hairline at the back of the neck.

 

Approximately 50 to 70 percent of individuals with Noonan syndrome have short stature. At birth, they are usually of normal length and weight, but growth slows over time. Abnormal levels of growth hormone may contribute to the slow growth.

 

Individuals with Noonan syndrome often have either a sunken chest (pectus excavatum) or a protruding chest (pectus carinatum). Some affected people may also have an abnormal side-to-side curvature of the spine (scoliosis)."

 

 

But how does this explain casting an obvious Italian actress to play an irish character?

Dr. House: "Uhm..."

 

I see, the writers still try to fathom how deep that rabbit hole of stupidity is going.

 

Since Kara took a day off it is up to Tyrese to answer the phone for Cat Grant.

 

 

The one and only restaurant/cafeteria/pub/bar/club of National City:

ʃəˈvɔːn): "That four-eyed bitch in a kilt ruined my life." (actual dialogue)

 

Do you have some hydrocodon left Dr. House? Dr. House? Hello? Damnit.

ʃəˈvɔːn): "I hate her!"

 

We leave this scene with a screenshot of a future super-villainess.

Area 51 - Obviously 200 miles away from National City somewhere in Nevada:

Alex only needs less than 5 minutes from home to get at her job at the DEO..oh wait - Teleport SUV's...I forgot.

Hank Henshaw is still in his alien aquarium and still refuses to transform back into his original shape. Can he maintain a shape infinitely? Or is it like holding your breath and focus all the time? Anyway, this way it saves CBS a shitload of money they definitely need to spent to make this show at least watchable.

Alex has a little talk with Hank about cookies and tacos at 3 am and in the meantime a whole platoon of army soldiers teleported into the facility to line up all personal for questioning. Somehow Supergirl is there to for no fucking reason.

Alex: "Major Lane. What are you doing here?"

 

Good question Alex. She quit her military career and J.A.G to work for Cat Grant. And they took her back without any qualms or demotion? I bet her father pulled some strings.

Colonel Harper: "I'm badass army guy cladded in every medal and decoration they could find in the prop department to make me look like a christmas tree."

 

Mj. Lucy Lane: "He is here to rip everyone a new one since an alien used his super-powers of telepathy and shape-shifting to become director of the DEO unnoticed by everyone."

 

Alex: "So, he has every power necessary to pull that stunt all by himself but you come here and discriminate everyone because you're dicks?"

 

Colonel Harper: "Exactly. Shall we begin?"

 

 

They put Hank Henshaw into an interrogation room - handcuffed to a chair. There is no chance he can escape. He would need to have super-strength or the ability to phase through solid matter but that's crazy talk.

Colonel Harper: "You smell that?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "I smell bullshit everyday since I'm in this show so what?"

 

Colonel Harper: "Very good J'onn. Even though we have no knowledge about martian physiology since you are the last one and in hiding under our noses, we nonetheless invented this McGuffin that can neutralize your powers."

 

Hank Henshaw: "This is exactly as retarded as the mutant detector of Bolivar Trask in X-Men: Days of Future Pants."

 

Colonel Harper: "I hope you like that body J'onn. Because you will remain in that shape until I'm done with you." (actual dialogue)

 

Is that a threat? Or a gift? A promise? I don't get it since J'onn really likes being Hank Henshaw to the point where he even refuses against all logic to transform back into the Martian Manhunter.

Btw...what is Lucy Lane doing here anyway. She is a lawyer!

 

Alex: "Can you hear something?"

 

Supergirl: "No, they blocking me out."

 

How? You have selective super-hearing powers that enables you to even hear bullies at a school above all the traffic in city! How about X-Ray and lip reading?

 

Lucy Lane: "Tell us what happened to the real Hank Henshaw."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Okay, I will tell you the story everyone already knows but since we have still 30 minutes to fill with pointless crap I will go into detail in form of really, really stupid flashback sequences."

 

 

South America - 10 years ago:

Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer and his six-man team are tasked by the CIA with spearheading the rescue of an official held hostage by insurgents in Val Verde. Agent George Dillon, an old friend of Dutch's, is assigned to supervise. The team is taken to a remote jungle and begins the mission.

...oh wait...that is the plot of Predator...sorry...well almost.

Angry Hank Henshaw and not-trained-for-jungle-ops-alien-hunting Jeremiah Danvers are hunting an alien. They took the scientist nerd with them because he is an expert for Martians? At some point Jeremiah tends to walk around alone, possibly to find a place to take a dump and is scared by Britney Spear's pet snake. But thanks to sound editing it sounds like this snake is angry and poisonous or something. He is saved by J'onn J'onzz who conveniently wanted to take a piss at the same place.

Jeremiah: "You saved me. We are best pal's now."

 

J'onn J'onzz: "Okay."

 

They camp and exchange pre-instagram photos and are about to perform the ancient tribal ritual to become blood brothers when J'onn is hit by a glowing bullet. Is his telepathy on vacation?

Hank Henshaw: "I designed this bullets specifically for you Martian!"

 

J'onn J'onzz: "How? You are not an engineer, a designer or an alien expert! And how did you do it since I'm the last Martian and you never met one before?"

 

Damnit! Did my own train of thought accidentally made it into the dialogue again?

Fuck this show.

Skip.

 

 

CatCo - Night Time:

Cat Grant leaves the building but not because of her under-age son, because so that ʃəˈvɔːn) has free access to computers. How did she get in here? Cameras? Security guards?
She uses Kara's computer to write an insulting Email towards Cat Grant. Very childish ʃəˈvɔːn), very immature.

Fuck this show.

Skip.

 

 

Area 51 - Taken Part IV:

Another flashback sequence of how Hank Henshaw recruited Alex. She was a hardcore alcoholic party girl with a terrible wig and she even looks 5 years older.

Hank Henshaw: "I recruit you for the DEO because family."

 

Alex: "Okay."

 

 

Colonel Harper: "Well, that was heart-warming. But the million-dollar question still remains."

 

Alex: "What? I can win a million dollar?"

 

Colonel Harper: "That...err no...did you know Hank Henshaw was an alien?"

 

Alex: "Nope."

 

Lucy: "Computer says okay."

 

Colonel Harper: "Okay."

 

Lucy Lane: "Wait. You're lying. Because that is what secret ops is doing. Arrest her!"

 

Supergirl is hearing everything thanks to plain old radio-com that wasn't blocked or scanned for some reason.

Supergirl: "Where are you taking her?"

 

Colonel Harper: "This information is highly classified and you are not authorized to know that but I will tell you nonetheless because I'm a fucking idiot. We taking her where every alien goes - Project Cadmus."

 

Oh great, James Harper will become one the most lame and retarded superhero clones then? The Golden Guardian? A Captain America rip-off without the awesomeness...pfft.
Speaking of scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

 

CatCo - Where people don't work:

Kara visits Tyrese for information about Project Cadmus.

Tyrese: "It is a genetic research facility, built to dissect aliens to learn about their abilities and to weaponize it."

 

Kara: "Does Clark knows where it is?"

 

Tyrese: "Nope. No one does."

 

Kara: "That doesn't make any sense. You know all about the shit that is going on there but don't know its location?"

 

Tyrese: "I'm utterly useless again aren't I?"

 

Kara: "That's an understatement. I will use you as bait for Lucy then."

 

Tyrese: "Okay."

 

 

Kara's Apartment of Stupidity:

Lucy Lane appears and Tyrese opens the door. Couldn't they have that scene in his apartment? Oh, it is to expensive to add another location. I get it CBS, you greedy retards.
And that was all Tyrese had to offer to advance the plot ladies and gentlemen.

Lucy Lane: "What is this all about and why did I come here in the first place since I made my point perfectly clear when I broke up with you Tyrese."

 

Kara: "It proves that you are an inconsistent, fucking moron."

 

Lucy Lane: "You...!"

 

Kara: "Wait, wait...I'm equally retarded. Lookie, I'm Supergirl!"

 

Lucy Lane: "Ooh!"

 

 

Pointless Flashback # 776:

Young Alex and young Kara at the school.

Skip.

 

 

Pointless Flashback #876:

How Kara became Cat's assistant.

Skip.

 

 

Kara's Apartment of Pointless Exposition:

Supergirl: "Now you know. Family."

 

Lucy Lane: "Yes family."

 

Tyrese: "Family."

 

Lucy/Kara: "Oh, shut up Tyrese!"

 

 

Greenlight Container of Transportiness:

Colonel Harper: "Muhaha, I'm the only one guarding you both. Soon you will be dissected and then we know everything about your powers to protect Americans...and only Americans!"

 

Alex: "What about me you racist moron?"

 

Colonel Harper: "You are a traitor so you belong to Cadmus as well."

 

Alex: "What? No military trial? Gitmo? Or a job for the CIA?"

 

Colonel Harper: "Muhahaha!"

 

 

Lucy Lane and Supergirl, disguised as biker chicks hijack the truck and free Hank and Alex. A task Supergirl could have done all by herself in 3 seconds flat without being seen since it is a pitch black night and the two soldiers are experts in fucking things up.

Hank Henshaw wipes Col. Harpers mind and discovers that Jeremiah Danvers is still alive...sigh, of course he is.

Supergirl: "Can you mindwipe those soldiers too since they now see it was me and Lucy who attacked them and freed you?"

 

Hank Henshaw: "Don't bother."

 

Alex: "We have to go underground and take your bikes to escape because transforming back into J'onn J'onzz is to expensive for CBS. Wait? You can use all of your powers in any form! Then why aren't you flying me? It is way faster."

 

Hank Henshaw: "Don't bother."

 

 

CatCo - Don't prank the Queen:

ʃəˈvɔːn) enters with an evil grin but Cat Grant is the supreme ruler of this realm and found out with the help of Winn.

ʃəˈvɔːn) is pissed.

 

 

Area 51 - Under new management:

Random DEO Monitor Girl: "Ma'am. Col. Harper resigned and now you are the new director of the DEO."

 

Lucy Lane: "Now that's convenient."

 

Sigh, just when I thought we got rid of this stupid bitch...Murphy's Law I guess.

Supergirl grins like an idiot in the background.

 

 

Random Roof at night:

ʃəˈvɔːn) is drunk and angry. She has a fight with Winn. She loses her balance and falls to her certain doom.

But wait...she suddenly develops the power of screaming so obnoxiously loud that she defies gravity.

See little fanboys of this show? This is how you get super-powers. How about you try it out right now?