Mr. Potato Head's Obituary (OFFICIAL)

Born in 1952, (almost) died in 2021, Mr. Head leaves behind a devastated wife and children, along with a legacy decades in the making. Unfortunately, at the ripe old age of 69, he was yet another in a long line of victims of cancel-culture. Mr. Potato Head spent his entire life playing with children and sometimes adults; letting them stick things in all his many holes. In 1975, years before I ever met him, he was forced by the US Government to put on weight — to become a larger version of himself — because he was constantly choking children with his small parts. As a child of 6, I put his parts in my mouth, trying to choke on them, but they were just too big.

Always confident in who he was, he literally never let anyone change him. But, along with that strong confidence came a stubbornness unmatched. As a result, he could be a bit of a dick from time to time. Many concluded that he was a total dick-tater. But not in my eyes.  As an impressionable young man, I considered Mr. Head to be my friend, my confidant, my coach, my partner, and my mentor. Some might say, he was my best spuddy. He taught me everything I know about hiding women’s clothing and various beauty products in my rear end until nobody is around. And for that, I am forever grateful. 

So, I say today with great sorrow, Mr. Potato Head, you will be missed. We now sow you gently back into the loose earthen soil from which you came, though your memory will sprout forth for generations to come. See you later tater. After a while French fry.