Ebians and Tritics

The world was perfect.

The Ebians were a society at the very pinnacle of civilization, at least that was what they thought of themselves. They had ended hunger, poverty, and hatred of any kind. Crime was nonexistent, as anytime someone needed something, all they needed to do was ask. Violence of any kind was entirely abolished, as such brutish rituals had long ago been seen as incredibly counter productive.

The Ebians themselves were shorter creatures, but were otherwise very human-like in their appearance. They had a flawless complexion of green tinted skin, and completely bald heads. Their technology was not the most advanced, but still had enough industrialization and automation that very few manual labor jobs were required. In fact, they could import most of their raw materials from other countries with completely digital and automated contracts, and for many things they did exactly that. They had their own form of internet, but mainly kept to their own isolated community instead of branching out to the other continents, only having very slow and intermittent connections to other distant lands.

Then one day, the Tritics arrived on their shores. The moment they stormed off their boats, they then began their campaign across the country, occupying city after city, nothing standing in their way. The stories of their terror only barely outpaced their movement, describing them as invincible stone monsters that brutally destroyed all in their path. Some Ebians tried to fight back, but they were immediately brushed aside as if they were powerless. Weebli, a male young adult Ebian, was given the task by his elders of tracking down an old hermit Ebian who might be able to save the civilization. He was only known as old Davey, someone who had lived in a different era, something alien to Weebli.

He now stood at the man’s cabin, located in the mountains. The trek had been arduous, but uneventful. Even now, he could look back to see the rising columns of smoke from conquered nearby cities from his lofty perch on the mountain, and suddenly his urgency grew. He stormed in, to find a surprised Ebian looking at him with disdain while washing dishes. “Haven’t you ever learned to knock?”

Weebli, unsure what customs this Ebian followed, gave a sharp bow. “Old Davey! We require your help to save our country! Invaders have been taking over, and we can’t stop them!”

Davey wiped off his hand and sat down on his couch, propping his feet up on a table. “Take a seat, you fool. I’m not rushing off without having the full story, so you better start explaining.”

Looking around sporadically, Weebli saw a recliner and quickly sat down in it. He had trouble leaning forward, the seat naturally drifting his seating to a more relaxed position, but it was no time to relax. “Please! We must hurry. The invaders call themselves the Tritics, and they are completely unstoppable! No one can stand against them, and you are our last hope! You are one of the few remaining Ebians still trained in warfare. I know it sounds desperate, but we don’t have any other options.”

Davey just stared at Weebli, expression unchanging from grumpy indifference. “That makes very little sense… Last I checked, the Ebian Nation was invincible, and didn’t need old relics of their past like me. What could I possibly do that the rest of you can’t?”

“You can FIGHT! We became a pacifistic society long ago, but you didn’t. You can stand against them.”

Davey leaned forward. “Okay, what’s the situation?”

Weebli blinked. “What?”

“What are we looking at? How many cities have fallen, what kinds of forces are at our disposal?”

Weebli had not expected this line of questioning. He expected Davey to accept and come with him to save the day or refuse, not to ask about the details. “I don’t have any of that info, other than… it’s bad. The only thing I can guarantee is that this cabin hasn’t fallen yet!”

Davey just laughed. “Well, yes, I’m aware of that. So you are saying, then, that they might be breaking down my door at any moment? What was even the point of you coming here, then? Sounds like we are already-”

A loud series of knocks rumbled at the door. Weebli dove behind his chair, while Davey grabbed his laser rifle and marched to the door. “Who goes there?”

A gruff voice spoke from the other side. “Yer mum.”

“I really doubt that. Try again.”

“...Heh. I am Erlgru. Let me in, I am unarmed.”

Davey looked through the door peephole, and saw the admittedly large rock monster outside. He was indeed unarmed, so he opened the door while keeping his rifle at the ready. “What do you want, Erlgru? I just got done being informed of your invasion of the society I was previously expelled from.”

“Invasion? What a crock. We are merely lost, looking for someone to give us directions. All the beings we have run into so far flee from us immediately, screaming without even so much as a hello the moment we speak to them. We don’t even know what race you people are, or what country we are in.”

Davey could hardly believe what he was hearing. “Weebli? Is this true?”

Weebli was literally shaking from behind his makeshift shelter. “Don’t listen to them! They lie, manipulate, and denigrate! They are pure uncontrollable evil!”

Erlgru laughed. “What a pansy.”

Weebli cried out, as if physically struck. “No! No, leave me alone! Davey, DO SOMETHING!”

Davey hardly understood what was happening. “Do what? He only called you a pansy, and I kinda agree with him…”

Weebli screamed louder. “NO! Not you too! Why are you doing this, Davey!? Why have you betrayed your people!?”

Davey shook his head, pulling Weebli out from his hiding place to face the rock monster himself. “Look at him… he’s completely harmless! He hasn’t done anything other than spout some slightly mean words!”

“Mean words ARE harm!”

Both Davey and Erlgru were silent as Weebli continued to tremble. They then both broke out into laughter. Davey eventually managed to stop laughing long enough to answer Weebli’s accusatory glares with a verbal response. “Weebli… here’s a simple challenge. Insult me in the most mean-spirited way you can.”

Weebli looked at Davey with eyes wide, as if he had just asked him to do something unthinkable. “What? Are… are you sure?”

“Yes. Do it.”

“Okay… erm… you are a… big… stupid-head.”

Both Erlgru and Davey laughed even harder as Weebli stared slack jawed. “How can you two just laugh? Did you not hear what I said??”

Erlgru responded. “You actually think hurtful words can hurt you! Maybe even worse, you thought THAT was an insult, you lily-livered, snot sniveling piece of worthless trash! You would never survive outside your little insulated cities. I have been to many distant lands, and people are sometimes less than friendly. You need to have a thick skin, and an actual spine! I guess it doesn’t help that Tritic tradition is to begin every greeting with a joke. I guess you… what race are you guys again?”

Davey answered. “Ebian.”

“Right… Ebian. You Ebians, all of you except for Davey here thus far, can’t handle a simple joke. That’s just sad, but at least I now found one that can. Davey, would you mind helping me clear up this misunderstanding?”

“Gladly, as long as you don’t sling any of those vile, poisonous, all-to-deadly jokes at me. My heart can barely take it.”

Erlgru and Davey laughed together, exchanging jokes and good-natured insults of all kinds as they traveled to the various cities. They informed the other Tritics of exactly where they were, and why the Ebians were being so inhospitable that they were then forced to camp outside while cooking their own rations over open fires. Eventually, most got back in their boats and took back to the sea, now oriented properly in previously strange waters. Many stayed, and created their own cities or moved in to existing ones. Eventually, the Ebians learned to deal with the more rough-spoken Tritics by following Davey and other older Ebian’s examples, and both societies were better off as they exchanged technology and cultural ideas.

Eventually, the Ebians learned to laugh at others as well as themselves. And most importantly, they learned to make their own insults and jokes again, suddenly realizing how stale their society had become when such behavior had been all but outlawed.