Make Time For Love, Your Monogamy Depends on It

In my previous post, Sex is the Promise of Monogamy: Turning out, I explained the situation, today, I want to write about the things that have happened between the Capricorn and I that made him realize his needs.

I'm a deeply affectionate lover with a high and creative sex drive. So, you can imagine what a joy it was to find me, for a man who hasn't had sex with his wife in six years (and hadn't had sex at all in a year).

As I stated before, he and his wife are great life partners, but they've lived their married life devoid of the understanding that love, passion, romance, and, yes, sex are regular tasks, actions - not feelings - which must be intentionally attended to in order for each of those things to grow and flourish. It is never enough to "catch" a partner. You must continually water and feed that love or it wilts and dies. My husband and I have always understood and practiced this truth.

When he finally convinced me to go all-in with him, I did. It unnerved him. "I'm not used to this." is what he routinely tells me. I'm often bewildered. In doing with him what I do with my husband, I routinely can be found scratching my head and questioning, "You mean to tell me, you've never had this before?"

In 9 months of knowing each other (it was about a month before he was found out). Seeing me no more than 3 nights a week - at our peek which lasted about 5 months - he has told me that he's had more sex with me than he has in his entire life - that's with an estimated 12 partners and 16 years of marriage. WTF? How is that possible?

He'd never had morning sex or sex while he's been sick with a cold before me. WTF? You're a long-term, married man. How is that possible?

He's now had several new sexual experiences. Granted, I think I'm more creative, open, and exploratory than the average woman, and certainly more aggressive, but some of the positions which were new to him seem like basic, vanilla sex to me - nothing outrageous or kinky.

Sex aside, the relationship has been intensely romantic, exclusive, and loving. I've simply practiced what I know works for a healthy relationship.

We laid in bed the other night, watching YouTube together and snuggling. I put my hand up under his shirt to rub his chest and run my fingers through his manly fur. He sighed. I asked what for, he answered, "It just feels good to be touched." This, and so many other comments like it, has given me a window into why this man lays in beds with me.

He's married! He loves his wife, recognizes what a good partner she's been, but "It just feels good to be touched"?! My God, my heart aches. How many other men and women lay in bed with someone else because they just want to be touched?

"I can understand why this doesn't happen in marriage. People just don't have time to do this."

Make time for it or your partner will end up laying with someone who will.

I wrote the post, The Five Senses of Sex: Smell, about this man. My exuberant expressions, over my love of his smell, stressed him out. "Have you never had someone tell you how much they love something about you, how much it turns them on?" No.

Sometimes, I just look at him. Sometimes, I look him in the eye during sex, after sex. It makes him uncomfortable. "What?" he'll say. "I'm just looking at you, admiring you, adoring you. Have you never had someone do that before?" No.

I'm a talker, but sometimes I just want to listen to him. It makes him uncomfortable, "I feel like you are the talker so, if you're listening, I wonder if you're uncomfortable."

No, Lover, I just enjoy hearing from you too. It's what people in love do.

Do you know how important this stuff is to your marriage??!! If just one person reads this and makes a new effort to be more affectionate with their spouse, I can proudly wear a scarlet letter A on my chest and peacefully endure the criticism and judgment of outsiders for having chosen the experience of showing this man what it is to be loved and adored.

Now, for another factor, the Lover's wife is heavily into modern feminism (an ideology) and she's passionate about it. Couple the constant railing against the "white man" (a group which happens to include her husband) with the fact that she's highly career-oriented, and you have, what I think is, a recipe for imbalance. Say what you will, oh feminist, about my lack of ambitions outside the home, but I have a happy husband, a happy marriage, and a peaceful life well, that is, when I'm not doing your job with your husbands.

Part of everyone's tendency is toward an imbalance in various areas of our lives (I know, spoken like a true Libra). In order to do the work, you have to see your relationship as one of the most important things in your life. It's a greater goal, a greater ambition, a greater calling than anything else. You can't let ideology, politics, religion, and "life purpose" be more important when they threaten to tear you apart from the one you chose as your life partner.

Your ardent adherence to a set of ideas will not, and, for most of us, our vocations probably won't, change the course of the world, but choosing these things over your partner will change the course of your love.

Make time, and keep making time, to do the work of showing love, affection, and adoration for your partner!!