The Art of Manipulation

Part One - Using gratefulness as a tool for manipulation.

"You are just wrong!" he shouted when I told him that his girlfriend did not have to say thank you to him for what he did. "People are supposed to appreciate it when someone does something for them!" he argued. "No," I replied, "They do not." He stared at me for an instant and stood up, walked out the door, slamming it as he left. His girlfriend sat there looking at me with a wan smile and said, "That's how he is all the time." What happened is that this man decided to buy a truck for his girlfriend because she had once commented that trucks were nice. But, his ulterior reason for buying the truck, to give to her as a gift, was so that she would feel grateful and then use that gratefulness to manipulate her. Those people whose basic method of interacting with others is to manipulate them do so because there is a benefit to the manipulation. For the most part, they get the other person to do exactly what they want.

To understand how this method of manipulation works, one needs to understand that expressions of gratitude are, in and of themselves, beneficial. One example of this is that being grateful can change how one sees their relationship with another person, especially a close relationship. In an article by Wray Herbert, found at www.psychologicalscience.org, and titled: "The Power of Gratitude," he states, "One scientist who has been rigorously deconstructing gratitude is Nathaniel Lambert of Florida State University. In a recent study, he and several colleagues decided to explore whether the simple act of expressing thankfulness might be linked to a deeper sense of commitment and responsibility toward someone else. To find out, the psychologists recruited a large group of young men and women and gathered information on their most intimate relationships, including the frequency and manner in which they expressed their gratitude toward their partner. They also questioned them about the strength of their relationship, focusing especially on feelings of responsibility for their partner’s happiness and welfare. They wanted to see if there was any connection between thankfulness and the quality of the partnership. And there was, clearly. Those who were more expressive of their gratitude toward their partner saw their commitment as deeper and the relationship as more mutually supportive. They also measured these perceptions six weeks later, to see if gratitude was linked to an increase in relationship quality over time. And, again, it was." The conclusion the scientist arrived at was, " As reported online in the journal Psychological Science, those who more frequently spoke or wrote their words of thanks saw their relationship as more mutual and cooperative as a result." A good thing, right. Yes, until it is distorted by manipulators.

Manipulators become cognizant of means and methods of manipulation with experience. For example, when they express gratitude to others, they find that, for the most part, people will respond in a positive manner. As the manipulators experience this more and more, they come to the conclusion that if they tend to respond with positive feelings toward those who do something nice for them, then that also must mean that other people will also respond with positive feelings when they do something nice for them. Under normal situations involving people interacting with each other, those responses of positive feelings (gratitude) can be a sort of tonic for the relationship. The distortion begins when the manipulator starts to realize that he can fake his feelings of positivity and solicit positive responses from others. Why would someone do that? Well, there are several ulterior motives for the actions of a manipulator, but we will start with understanding humans as humans. Humans are born selfish. From the beginning, we begin learning how to behave in such a manner that we get fed, our diapers changed, carried around, and paid lots of attention. We learn that crying gets us the attention we need to get our needs met. Babies don't even know they are alive, but they quickly learn that they can manipulate those larger beings around them to do what they want. And, they keep this up until they are forced to learn that those others around them gradually start requiring the baby to start meeting some of his needs on his own as he grows. With time, the idea is that we use manipulation less and less as we interact with others, and, instead, learn to cooperate with others to help meet their needs as ours are also met. Manipulators are people that have decided not to relinquish their ability to manipulate others because getting other people to meet the manipulator’s needs is of much greater importance than the manipulator meeting the needs of others.

Why are some humans this way?

Dr. Richard Paul and Dr. Linda Elder, in their treatise, " Fallacies: The Art of Mental Trickery and Manipulation," found at www.criticalthinking.org, state, "The human mind has no natural guide to the truth, nor does it naturally love the truth. What the human mind loves is itself, what serves it, what flatters it, what gives it what it wants, and what strikes down and destroys whatever 'threatens' it." In this treatise, they present some interesting arguments. For example, when considering how some people use manipulation as a tool for personal benefit, at the expense of others, a manipulator can approach a situation using several techniques. One of those techniques is to make unsound arguments to appear sound. For example, as our friend above tried, the argument would be, "If someone does something nice or you, then you are obligated to be grateful and express it." The argument would be further contended that a person must express gratitude for the nice thing that was done even if they did not want the nice thing done initially. This is a fallacy. If someone does something for you that you did not request or even want, then they are under no obligation to feel gratitude, and especially to have to express it. The manipulator will argue to the contrary. They will claim that when they do something "nice" for a person, that person must respond positively to them and demonstrate their gratitude. What this does for the manipulator is give them a means of controlling the other person. For example, if our friend's girlfriend had responded as he expected her to do, then he would know that he could continue to control her reactions to him, giving him a sense of power over her. He would then continue to use this technique on her as he shaped her responses and controlled her decisions of whether to stay with him or consider breaking off the relationship. In the case of our friend, his motive was not to give a gift to his girlfriend. His motive was to manipulate her to feel and express gratitude for his gift and want to remain with him so that she could get more gifts. This would allow him to continue to behave selfishly in the relationship and not fear or worry about her deciding to end the relationship.

The better and healthier manner in which our friend should handle his fears in the relationship would be to stop using manipulation to get his girlfriend to do what he wants. Instead, he should find a counselor and work out his fears and doubts about the relationship and make changes which may help repair and improve things between them. To the manipulator, this process is too long and full of possibilities that she may learn that she no longer wants to try to salvage the relationship. His fears tell him that he just has to do more "nice" things for her and that this will cause her to feel so grateful that she would not want to end the relationship. This, in the mind of the manipulator, is a much easier road on which to travel.

Part Two - Tricks of the Trade

In their treatise, Dr. Richard Paul and Dr. Linda Elder, state the following: "The over-whelming preponderance of people have not freely decided what to believe, but, rather, have been socially conditioned (indoctrinated) into their beliefs. They are unreflective thinkers. Their minds are products of social and personal forces they neither understand, control, nor concern themselves with. Their personal beliefs are often based in prejudices. Their thinking is largely comprised of stereotypes, caricatures, oversimplifications, sweeping generalizations, illusions, delusions, rationalizations, false dilemmas, and begged questions. Their motivations are often traceable to irrational fears and attachments, personal vanity and envy, intellectual arrogance and simple-mindedness. These constructs have become a part of their identity.

Such persons are focused on what immediately affects them. They see the world through ethnocentric and nationalistic eyes. They stereotype people from other cultures. When their beliefs are questioned — however unjustified those beliefs may be — they feel personally attacked. When they feel threatened, they typically revert to infantile thinking and emotional counter attacks.

When their prejudices are questioned, they often feel offended and stereotype the questioner as “intolerant” and “prejudiced.” They rely on sweeping generalizations to support their beliefs. They resent being “corrected,” disagreed with, or criticized. They want to be re-enforced, flattered, and made to feel important. They want to be presented with a simple-minded, black-and-white, world. They have little or no understanding of nuances, fine distinctions, or subtle points. They want to be told who is evil and who is good. They see themselves as “good.” They see their enemies as “evil.” They want all problems to admit to a simple solution and the solution to be one they are familiar with — for example, punishing those who are evil by use of force and violence. Visual images are much more powerful in their minds than abstract language. They are overly impressed by authority, power, and celebrity. They are eminently ready to be directed and controlled, as long as those doing the controlling flatter them and lead them to believe that their views are correct and insightful."

The Doctors define manipulators as people "who are skilled in the art of manipulation and control. These people are shrewdly focused on pursuing their own interest without respect to how that pursuit affects others." They go on to say that manipulators have certain skills and abilities:

• A greater command of the rhetoric of persuasion.

• More schooling and achieve more success.

• Typically occupy positions of authority and acquire more power.

• Know how to seem as though they care about those they intend to manipulate.

• They want to influence the beliefs and behavior of others.

• They have insight as to what makes people vulnerable to manipulation.

With this in mind, let's look at some of the techniques of the manipulator, their "dirty tricks."

Accuse your opponent of doing that of which he is accusing you. When under attack and having trouble defending themselves, manipulators will turn the tables. They will accuse their opponents of doing what they themselves are being accused of doing. “You accuse me of not loving you, because you don't really love me!” Manipulators know this is a good way to put their opponents on the defensive. Many times they will up the ante by accusing their opponent of doing something worse than what that of which the manipulator was accused. "You think I'm lying to you because you are trying to hide that you are doing something worse."

Change the definition of words so that they best suit your arguments. You can argue, "Real love means that you forgive and forget what I have done, and we start anew as it never happened." Manipulators know that if they can control the definitions of the words used in an argument, then they can control to argument in its entirety. Changing definitions to words will help the manipulator to keep their opponents off balance when they try to argue their points.

• Love means let me get away with doing wrong.

• Respect means do not treat me in a manner I don't like.

• Trust means to believe everything I say and don't argue with me.

• Communication means that you listen to what I say, and we speak only about what I want to speak about.

• Spending Time Together means we do what I like and you show that you enjoy it.

• And so on.

Flatter people with disingenuous praise to solicit feelings of affirmation in them. Manipulators know that, in general, people love being praised. They know they can use fake praises as a means of getting something out of a person with which they probably would not normally be willing to agree. This "trick" works better on those people who require external confirmation to feel worthwhile or good about themselves. Manipulators seem to have a radar for detecting people with low self-esteem issues. They know how to raise those people's confidence, and reduce their uncertainty through flattering machinations.

In his article, "Praise as Manipulation: 6 Reasons to Question Compliments," found at, www.psychologytoday.com, Leon F Seltzer Ph.D., included the following six points:

1. If they’re insecure themselves, praisers’ calculated compliments may be their preferred way of ingratiating themselves with you—or of fitting in better with a group of which you may be an important member.

2. If they want to get you (as it were) to the negotiating table, they may contrive to butter you up in advance, so you’ll be more inclined to agree to some bargain they wish to introduce you to—a “deal” that probably will benefit them substantially more than it will you.

3. Closely related to the above, they may have some specific favor they want to request of you. So to increase the odds that you’ll comply with their wishes, they’ll “gift” you with carefully calculated praise and flattery.

4. If they’ve experienced a falling-out with you—especially involving their having behaved dishonestly or dishonorably with you—one way they might contrive to get back in your good graces is through finding things to praise you for. If they’re successful in making you feel supported or vindicated, you’re likely—or at risk for—feeling better about them.

5. If they’re shameless or unethical—enough almost to justify the label psychopathic—they might offer you “fake praise” as a way of getting you to confide in them, or share with them privileged or highly personal information. Then, when they’ve succeeded in their duplicitous efforts to prompt you to disclose sensitive data, they’ll—aggressively or passive-aggressively—use it against you.

Bully the person until they give in. Why do some manipulators bully? Because it works. Most people are terrified of conflict and confrontation and will do anything to avoid it, and this is something the manipulators knows. All the manipulator needs to do is start acting aggressive, hostile, and threatening, and it will make others feel like they have to walk on egg shells.

Argue until you win the argument. Manipulators know that many persons will do almost anything to avoid or get out of situations where arguing is involved. So, if the manipulator just hangs on long enough, he will more often "win" the argument because the other person will give up or give in just to get out of the argument.

Use the "Guilt Trip" on them. Make statements like: “I thought we were friends,” or “I thought I could count on you,” or “I can’t believe how selfish you are!” or “I’ve always been there for you and now you can’t even lift a finger to help me?” Manipulators know that some people cannot handle feelings of guilt, so they will give in or do anything to have the label removed. This makes those people easy targets for manipulators.

Using their emotions against them. Some people are masters at emotional manipulation and won’t hesitate to play with your emotions in order to get what they want. They’ll tell you they love you. Or they’ll tell you they hate you. Or they’ll try to make you angry or sad or jealous, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it takes to get what they want.

Use passive aggression on the unwitting. Here is a list of ways to manipulate others while seeming not to be manipulating anyone. This list was taken from, "33 Ways People try to Manipulate You," found at: https://lifelessons.co.

• Avoiding/ignoring/leaving someone out

• Avoiding responsibility

• Agreeing to help and then doing a crappy job because you didn’t want to do it

• Constantly being late and making others wait for you (I HATE this one)

• Disguised insults “That color actually looks good on you” or “Nice shoes”

• Dragging your heels and being unnecessarily difficult

• ‘Forgetting’ to do something on purpose

• Playing dumb

• Pretending they don’t understand

• Procrastinating

• Purposely avoiding emails/phone calls/messages

• Refusing to commit to anything or give a straight answer

• Resistance

• Sarcasm

• Saying one thing/doing another (Sending mixed messages)

• Shaking of the head

• Sighing

• Silent treatment

• Stubbornness

• Sulking I.e: Man: “What’s wrong?” Woman: “Nothing”

Lie, lie, lie, and if that doesn't work, then lie. If there is one thing all manipulators have in common, it’s lying. Manipulative people won’t hesitate to lie/deceive/mislead in order to get what they want. Why do people lie?

• To avoid embarrassment and save face

• To avoid punishment

• To avoid taking responsibility

• To avoid having to do someone else a favor

• To avoid hurting someone else’s feelings

• To get what they want

• To get out of something they don’t want to do

• To sound important/impressive

• To fool/trick/manipulate you

• To influence/persuade you

• To play dumb

I could go on and on with many other ways manipulators manipulate people. To learn more, check out some of the websites I mentioned in this series.

Part 3 - Who is a Manipulator?

Everybody is a manipulator in one form or another. Too often though, we do not look at our actions as manipulation because we consider our intentions to be positive, beneficial, and/or helpful. Often this type of manipulation is done unconsciously as we do not see any immediately harmful effect on the persons we are manipulating. For example, a wife who praises her husband because he paid attention to her is unconsciously manipulating him to encourage him to continue this behavior. No one would necessarily consider this to be bad or negative, but it is still manipulation.

The dictionary defines manipulation in the following two ways:

1. the action of manipulating something in a skillful manner.

2. the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way.

The first definition refers to how someone would handle an object, such as a hammer for nailing. The second definition gives us two different understandings of the same meaning.

1. The actions of someone in attempting to get someone else to do something that is solely to the benefit of the manipulator (unscrupulous).

2. The actions of someone in attempting to get someone else to do something that is to the mutual benefit of the manipulator and the other person (clever).

Some have learned during childhood to react in ways society would deem manipulative in order to preserve themselves. Children growing up in abusive families can learn to deal with the perceived danger around them with passive aggressiveness and emotional manipulation. This is their modus operandi, and it's been internalized.

Manipulation Is About Fear and Unworthiness

FEAR

Somewhere in the manipulator's past, he or she felt victimized by others. They learned early the manipulators "golden rule," "Do unto others before they do unto you." They are always expecting someone to try to hurt them, or at least try to take advantage of them, so they take preemptive action to protect themselves. As long as they have you on your guard, you won't be trying to hurt them in any manner. What they do not realize is that too often their attempts at self-protection will lead them to do the very things that will draw the ire of others. They will not see that they have caused any trouble, they will only see the anger of the other persons and decide that they were right all along.

Fear is a powerful motivator. The idea is that if you do nothing then you are in danger.

UNWORTHINESS

1. failure to recognize that we are responsible for our own reality

2. narcissist a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

"narcissists who think the world revolves around them"

In order to avoid being abandoned tries to make sure that her partner “needs” her.

Victim Mentality

The truth is we always manifest within our relationships exactly what we fear – everyone does.

Taking the blame to appease another in order to retain the relationship or avoid necessary confrontation.

Ignoring abuse and self-disintegration rather than face the inevitability of being alone.

Making poor relationships choices based on the neediness of gaining energy, security, approval and / or love, rather than the true desire of a healthy, compatible, joyous relationship.

People pleasing in order to win love, approval and / or security. And other same behavior.

So therefore, who is a manipulator? All of us are. With this knowledge, we can choose to make different decisions when considering new relationships. Now you can ask the question, “Do I want a relationship with this person because they look good or seem great, or, do I want a relationship with this person because they are healthy?”

Keep in mind that everybody in your life will want something from you. This is not a bad thing. Anyway, you will want something from them as well. The question about what may be wanted is to ask if it is something that takes advantage of you or the other person? Does the thing wanted by you or them benefit both of you, or just one of you? If it benefits only one of you, does it also hurt or take advantage of the other? The more questions you ask about a relationship, and the more answers you get, the better informed you are, which means you make better choices and decisions. Now that you have read these articles, you will now be more aware of what clues to look for to avoid ending up in an unhealthy relationship. Go into new relationships with your eyes wide open; looking for clues and signals that may show you this person is not a healthy relationship or that they are healthy people. Do not ignore any signals or clues!