Why Friendship And Dating do Not go Together

Many of us have seen online dating profiles that say "I'm seeking friendship first". That statement sounds simple, unequivocal, safe and uncomplicated. But it also suggests one of two things: someone seeking 'friends with benefits', or a controller wishing to dictate the pace and direction of the friendship, neither of which is satisfactory to the creation of a genuine relationship.

People who fear commitment and hurt love to hide behind this condition, while never really achieving their aim. But is such a 'friendship' possible? And when, precisely, would the friendship change to something more intimate? Would BOTH parties desire that change to intimacy at the same time?

Real friendship originates from understanding another's needs and aspirations, and appreciating their pain and joy. It comes out of being able to empathise with them, in both good and bad times, and this usually takes a while to develop. Thus true friendship is highly unlikely with anyone we do not know too well. When it comes to instances where there is clear attraction, friendship is the last thing on the cards, because the feelings of attraction will overwhelm all other platonic ones and get in the way of real friendship developing.

Furthermore, we cannot replace sexual feelings with friendship, because friendship tends to be enduring, while fancying someone is likely to be fleeting. Putting the two together is a contradiction in itself, especially when true friendship is only possible when the heady feelings of romance have taken their course, and we appreciate the person as someone truly valuable on our journey, because we have grown to like or love them more. Most important, early friendship and dating do not go together because one is based on emotional needs (friendship) and the other is dictated by physical needs (intimacy). Thus the emotional bonding in dating usually follows much later, if it gets that far.

Often the main reason for seeking 'friendship' first is the desire to control a relationship instead of letting it unfold in its natural way. To prevent 'being hurt', some people believe that seeking friendship first keeps pain at bay.

Fear of Being Hurt

If we fancy someone like mad, that's a sexual need that will not go away until it is either brought to a conclusion, or it fizzles out. Trying to repress those needs with 'friendship' is a one-sided situation based on fear of being hurt, that usually benefits only one party - the one who wants to control the relationship for his/her own ends. It is difficult to be friends when you fancy the person and wish to get closer to them ,while they are holding you at arms' length, or vice versa, in the name of 'friendship'. It is a clear mismatch, and, in any mismatch, one person is losing out. So early friendship isn't possible with dating because it has an unequal and superficial foundation.

Often the main reason for seeking 'friendship' first is the desire to control a relationship instead of letting it unfold in its natural way. To prevent 'being hurt', some people believe that seeking friendship first keeps pain at bay. But if there is going to be hurt, no amount of having friendship at the beginning is going to stave off the pain! Such hurt usually comes when we are at the familiar stage in relationships later down the line; when we take each other for granted, or when one or both parties begin to lose their appeal - not at the start of the relationship. Thus seeking friendship first is really delaying the inevitable in a superficial way.

When we fancy someone we can always fool ourselves that, should the fancying not prove mutual, it can then turn into friendship and everyone will be happy. Or that we can be friends first, to get it off the ground, and then sail smoothly into sex. But next time you are seeking friendship first, look back at all the dates that have failed to live up to expectations and count up all the real friendships that emerged from them. You are likely to find that friendship is only possible if BOTH people liked each other platonically from the beginning. Once there is a mismatch and expectations are dashed - or there is any kind of rejection involved - friendship would be the last thing anyone wanted! Their sense of rejection would propel them elsewhere to get the affirmation they really seek.

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