The Single Biggest Killer of Relationships

So you see the man/woman you fancy across the room at an event. You edge nervously towards him/her, wanting to make that crucial impression. You finally make the connection, and feel really happy. You punch the air with joy. A few weeks .. or even years .. later, everything stops in its tracks and you can't understand it. End of beautiful romance, or marriage. And what killed it, you wonder? Could it be those pesky little expectations that just did not match up between you?

Expectations are the biggest killers of all relationships, since unrealistic demands, and the search for perfection, changes the natural reality and invariably suck the lifeblood out of a connection. Every partnership that breaks down begins its downfall when expectations go unfulfilled, which then causes frustration, resentment, anger, and even violence. High expectations, and the desire for perfection in our soulmates, gradually erode the love and good feelings we initially have. Disappointment creeps in, a re-evaluation takes place that becomes more negative, and respect is gradually lost.

There are three main kinds of expectations:

a. Those seeking to change our soulmates into some perfect ideal of the desired person;

b. Those that are impossible to fulfil, because they go against our basic values, identity, culture, and purpose.

c. The insecure kind of expectation that fears commitment, and assumes everyone is out to trap us into a long-term relationship, or that they should have already been partnering us!

The first two types of expectations tend to rob of us of our freedom, free choice, and unique perspectives, while the last type keeps us locked in fear and anxiety regarding the actions of others. People continue to strive in vain, every single day, to realise them, even though expectations only serve to make us feel inadequate, and impotent in pleasing the people we care about. In fact, wherever such expectations are fulfilled, there is likely to be a significant element of controlling, browbeating, and even bullying.

The main trouble with wanting perfection in a relationship is that one partner's idea of perfection will rarely coincide with that of the other.

Gender Conflict in Expectations

There is a saying that: men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever, while women marry men hoping to change them as soon as the ceremony is over! And there is a lot of truth in it. Expectations that involve seeking perfection are particularly soul destroying. The main trouble with wanting perfection in a relationship is that one partner's idea of perfection will rarely coincide with that of the other, and so the desire to compete for this elusive state inevitably gets out of hand, as the resulting expectations gradually damage the relationship. One can see this perfect ideal long before the two people have settled into the relationship... at the dating stage, in fact.

It rears its ugly head whenever individuals express the desire not to connect with anyone with emotional or other 'baggage'. They want a perfect being without negative feelings, perhaps without any feeling at all, so long as they are happy! But every part of our experience becomes a kind of baggage that shapes our perception, alters our attitude and is then put aside in our ongoing development. This so-called 'baggage' contains our pain, hurt and essential issues to be resolved. It also has the resources we can use to rebuild our lives. Dealing with that 'baggage' is an inevitable process that is crucial to our development, and forms the core of who we are. The ideal situation is to carry this baggage in reducing amounts, until we learn from it, and let it go. But many people pretend they have no 'baggage' at all. They mask it with a lot of 'fun', humour, or unforgiving seriousness, while they die inside, blame others, becoming intoerant and insensitive robots along the way.

Conforming to Expectations

Again, a desire for perfection means we are never happy with ourselves, or our partners; seldom satisfied with our lives or looks. There is always someone, or something, better just around the corner. When we finally meet the desired one, they have to conform to our expectations by behaving in a prescribed manner in order to merit our attention and approval. We are not prepared to let that person unfold gradually before us; to just be themselves. and surprise us with something different. Instead, we have high expectations about how the partner should look (like the age old cliché of 'looking sexy in a little black number') and how they should act in public ('mustn't drink beer from pint glasses', or must have the right designer car and clothes) according to our identikits.

However, what many people don't realise is that, should their soulmate change into the perfect ideal required, the changed one will be seeking a different partner! Think about it carefully. People come together because they are attracted to each other .. AS THEY ARE, not what they hope to be. Change one person to something else and s/he will then be looking for a new partner to match the new characteristics they have acquired. That is why people who are promoted, and those who undertake self-development, or higher education courses, during their relationships tend to gravitate towards those in a similar situation, if their spouses haven't kept up with them. Their new status would create new expectations and aspurations.

Finally, expectations and the search for perfection tend to blind us to the fact that we are far from perfect ourselves. There is a lot we, too, need to do to become 'perfect' in the eyes of others, like lose that 'beer belly', stop smoking, treat others more sensitively, become more caring etc. The end result is that we continually circle each other with high expectations, but with no capacity to fulfil them. At the same time we miss many opportunities for greater happiness by just being ourselves and enjoying it, warts and all. Worst still, we allow those expectations to gradually kill what we already have, losing something highly prized and valuable in the process.

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