Monday Jokes!

Jesus is watching you...

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.



Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". 

He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."



He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar being curious, asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"



The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their Doberman Jesus".

A Different Pint


A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"



"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"



"I've no idea," replies the guy. "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

Good Intentions

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."



The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"



The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."



The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."



The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"



The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"