Monday Jokes

Lucky Drop

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." 



"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 



"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 



"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...." 



"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 

"How did it happen, Tim?" 



"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." 



"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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An unemployed guy goes door-to-door looking for work. One home-owner hands him a brush and a tin of paint and offers him $50 to paint his porch.

A few hours later the guy goes to the home-owner and says, "I've finished!! but I reckon you should know your car's a Ferrari not a Porsche!"

Late problem

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. 

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. 

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" 



"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

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A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." 



The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" 

The woman replies, 

"No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."