The game has...

...a lure and the allure of the game is the game they catch.

I played prey to a dangerous social predator as a result of my disorganized attachment.

Tuesday, I wrote this blog post and was in the process of editing it when my computer decided to restart. It was devastating to open my laptop and find a blank screen after the emotional investment required to express all that I have to say on the subject. I can't completely re-write what was said in that post as I lost the spirit of the words once I'd written them. I'm hoping that, what I don't express here may trickle out into future posts.

Social predators are dependent on selling their illusion to delusional people. Through the grooming process, they are able to psychologically manipulate their victim into believing a web of lies which must be dismantled before the victim is free of the delusion. The discard process attempts to disillusion the victim as the predator projects their own perceived disappointment and hurt. Some may call this gaslighting, which provokes an emotional reaction prolonging the suffering of both. During this final leg of the relationship, the victim fights to understand how they failed to meet the predator's unrealistic expectations after enduring abuse, provoking the grief cycle associated with the loss of the relationship. The predator often believes himself to be a victim and provokes scenarios which confirm this belief for him and those observing. Even now, there are situations that I have discussed with others and their reaction tells me that I am still holding onto versions of events he created and the threat he posed. An article I was reading today discussing delusional victims of social predators further illustrated the phenomenon to me in a way that allowed me to recognize my success in overcoming the maladjusted behavior and realize the importance of talking about my experience as a survivor in an objective sense.

I was groomed, abused, and discarded by a social predator from the beginning of August four years ago until January of this year. In June of last year, as the abuse escalated, he began to groom his next victim. At the end of August last year, he kidnapped and attempted to strangle me when he felt the only way to regain control would be to destroy me completely. He failed that night, but it developed into a five month period of control and release. In the end, he got what he wanted and I was left to shoulder the burden of providing for our son alone.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I was caught in his web for so long. I thought I was smarter than that, clearly I was wrong. Intelligence will not protect you from being groomed and captured by an abuser but it will assist in your escape. 

I try not to use terms like narcissist, psychopath, and sociopath to define the social predators I've met as these are rooted in undefined colloquial terms and difficult to diagnose personality disorders. The term social predator comes from the concept of tricky people, a program developed by Pattie Fitzgerald, the founder of Safely Ever After, Inc. to teach children about safety which I've applied to dangerous people we meet as adults who target vulnerable adults rather than children. These predators go undetected because the people they target are expected to have the mature ability to recognize danger and protect themselves. The charming nature of these individuals leads to a false sense of security even amongst professionals trained to recognize their kind.

I survived domestic abuse at the hands of a social predator, but the ramifications of his actions remain present in my family today. It took five months of playing along as his prey while secretly making calculated moves to establish a support system in the community and find an opportunity to safely leave. In order to leave safely, it had to be his idea. When I recall the series of events, it all seems crazy. The level of secrecy and what I had to do to survive the squalor we were forced to live in while I fought to regain my sanity and safety was intense. He knows that killing me would cause him to be incarcerated and remove his control over his firstborn and her mother. He values his freedom enough to focus on convincing me to stay out of his path at any cost. Cutting ties completely allowed him to keep his perfect social image and removed the financial and legal threat I pose. His threat of violence is enough to keep me in my place, he still holds control. The law protects social predators because it is written to enforce tangible evidence in order to protect innocent people from undue persecution. There are no willing witnesses to his crimes and without documentation, I have nothing more than testimonies of he said, she said.

Social predators enjoy playing cat and mouse games. They will play capture and release until you try to get away, then they will devour you for trying to escape. There is a cloak over their games which allows the victim to feel like the cat until a coyote appears where they thought was another cat; only then do they realize, they are a mouse. This is how social predators work, they project a sense of attachment and relation with their victims through exploitation of human instincts, then break the spell of their emotional bond in an attempt to feel powerful and in control.

What creates a social predator? Many articles and books are devoted to the subject of predation. Theories range from genetics to environmental influence, some may argue both sides are present. The textbook definition does very little to prepare professionals for identification of these dangerous people unless their mask slips. They are the social chameleons in our communities, it takes one to know one. The online environment is ripe with opportunity for them to sharpen their skills. They begin by becoming your emotional support, a source of comfort and security, predators convince themselves that they are helping their victim. I do believe they can change with the right motivation to do so, but I don't believe they ever become fully human again. Their predatorial lifestyle is always lurking just below the surface waiting to rear its ugly head.

Be aware, and don't fall victim to their games.

From my many experiences, I've learned an important aspect about myself. I am vulnerable to repeating the domestic abuse cycle due to the normalization of a chaotic environment in my childhood. I didn't experience consistent physical violence at the hands of my parents, but I did experience neglect, and bullying by my brother and his peers. My authoritarian father in an attempt to regain control in our home would revoke attention and affection, and administer the belt across our backsides for even minor transgressions. I learned to use the bathroom, with its locked door, as a sanctuary to escape his abuse. My biological mother refused to believe her husband capable of the cruelty he showed us children. In turn, he turned a blind eye to her neglect and emotional abuse. The youngest two siblings were the golden children. They were carefully groomed by our parents to represent the expectations that my oldest sibling and I failed to meet. To this day, my parents continue their games of cat and mouse with each other and the children who remain in their life. They've attempted to secure my children as victims as well; I'm still fighting to protect my children from their influence and reverse the damage of the past.

I realized Tuesday, I am still vulnerable to the influence of disordered individuals with anti-social personality traits despite my heightened sense of awareness for danger. I feel comfortable in their presence and disregard the obvious risk they pose to my health and safety. I feel compelled to obey male authority at times when I should be able to say no, and walk away. Breaking the cycle of abuse and becoming aware of these traits in others has allowed me to escape social predators before they have an opportunity to harm me, but it doesn't eliminate the magnet I seem to have for attracting their kind. These charming individuals are often undetectable upon first glance of the virgin eye. We are socially conditioned to give people the benefit of the doubt, and social predators rely on this conditioning to groom their victims. Misguided and naive trust in others leads to victimhood. Disorganized attachment is marked by an inability to recognize whom one may trust when help is needed. Predators look for vulnerable people who trust easily to ensnare in their web of lies. Victims who empower themselves become survivors. Therapists with life coach certification can help replace dysfunctional and disorganized behavior with healthy choices. My next step in this process is finding a therapist who can understand my challenges and respect my intelligence.

Often my curiosity gets the best of me, and my risk-taking behavior is rewarded by the satisfaction of my curiosity. This is a dangerous cycle to continue that I was unaware of until this week. My interest in human behavior leads me to walk among the best and worst behaved members of our society. There are times when I have been irresponsible and neglected my family for the sake of following a lead. This was a terrible mistake to make, and a lesson I am only beginning to learn in my current relationship. 

Today, while reading an article by Stephen Snyder, his words really stood out to me. The article stated, "people in the grip of a severe addiction, tend to lack empathy." I feel like this applies to me and may be the key to understanding how to change myself to reflect a better version of me. I don't, on a grand scale, lack empathy, but I do believe that my dysfunctional decision-making process is related to an addiction to certain chemicals activated through social interaction and connection with others. I find myself seeking intellectual stimulation even at the expense of time with and attention to my family. Immediately upon discovery of harming others with my choice, I am ashamed of my decision to prioritize this emotional need over the needs of my family.

 My partner feels the weight of my mistakes the most as he is forced to shoulder the burden of completing any tasks I neglect to complete while I'm disconnected from reality. I feel my attention deviate from fulfilling my responsibilities when I suddenly become struck by inspiration in my art or writing. I recognize these moments of inattention after the fact, once I feel better, and often think, how could I have been so selfish? It is incredibly painful to see someone I care about hurting in a way I didn't anticipate. 

Prior to my partner's response the other day, I was completely unaware that my actions would cause him such distress. This has happened twice, the first incident was a text conversation which got out of hand between myself and another. I realized, to continue the interaction would mean intentionally harming my partner and betraying his trust in our commitment. Knowing this, I shut down communication between me and the other person. The second incident was more complicated for me to understand. I didn't connect two separate interactions with two separate people as significant, but once I recognized my error and the red flag in his reaction, I began to reflect on my choices, and why he may respond this way. I realized he may have felt that I betrayed our commitment again. Although I disagree, it's important that I make changes to prevent the same situation from re-occuring and resentment from building related to his sense of betrayal. I don't need to agree with him to recognize that my actions caused him to feel hurt and find motivation to prevent harm. I was careless in a way that caused someone I care about to be hurt, and that's not fair. The circumstances leading up to my carelessness must be addressed as well, there is a reason I felt disconnected and sought connection elsewhere. In this way, I can acknowledge the validity of his sense of betrayal.

I'm thankful for my partner's communication skills and willingness to confront a problem head on rather than allow it to fester to the point of toxicity. From this point forward there are major changes that we have to make in order for our family to succeed. The hardest part for me is recognizing the difference between an emotional reaction by my partner as an attempt to bring awareness to a maladptive behavior and invoking some form of social punishment for the offense, or that same reaction as a red flag indicating future abuse. This partner has given me the space necessary to improve, but leaves me questioning many of the beliefs I hold about emotionally manipulative tactics and their validity as a tool to re-shape maladaptive behaviors as opposed to a sign of the predatorial abuse and control cycle.

I believe there are others out there, like me, who are attempting to make sense of all these labels associated with predatorial behaviors. There are plenty of articles willing to validate the victim and educate the predator in how to become a better, undetectable, abuser. I believe both must be willing to recognize how they fuel the power and control cycle in their lives, just as I have begun to do, in order to change for the better.

As a survivor, I am not at fault for the actions of my abusers, but I am responsible for breaking the cycle of abuse in my own life, beginning with the self-harm cycle of abuse I've demonstrated over the years. I can't expect to have closure with those who hurt me, they will never admit to the harm they've caused, but I can choose to continue to work on myself and live a better life while providing better opportunities for my children.

Here's to the future, may you always put your best foot forward and question everything (even me).

***disclaimer*** These are simply my observations and experiences which I am attempting to define. Everyone experiences life differently, yet may draw similar conclusions or have similar experiences allowing us to relate with each other through the human experience. I am open to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and respectful debate. Purposefully offensive comments will be screenshot, removed, and the user blocked. It should go without saying but society has become unscrupulous and therefore those who have read this disclaimer and choose to comment anyways imply agreeance by participating that they understand offensive comments are defined as verbally abusive remarks, implied and direct threats, anything which directly violates Minds Policy of Use, or Federal and State laws as determined by the Constitution of the United States of America, and are subject to enforcement in the manner stated above. I am not responsible for your misguided emotional outbursts and they will not be tolerated on my channel. Thank you for reading my thoughts and participating in the discussion***