Blog Entry #8: Living with handicaps: I am no victim
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I’ve made it no secret that I’m not normal. Those who’ve seen my profile on Minds, Gab, MeWe, or any other social media platform I’m on know this to be true. I thought in this blog entry/essay I’d do something different. I thought I would write about what it’s like to live with my handicaps, my fears, and how I am striving to not be a victim.
This I have no doubt will be one of the hardest essays I’ve ever had to write. It has to do with the emotional depth that’s involved in it. And well we men aren’t the sort who talk about our feelings that easy. But I promise I’ll do my best to explain myself. And while at it offer up some insight on who I am and my daily struggles and such.
Now for starters my visual impairment is a genetic one. It comes from my mother who has worse vision than I do. She can’t see certain colors so it makes things much more difficult in finding matching clothing. And she listens to a lot of talking books from the Salem Oregon Library at least when she’s not online.
We know this condition comes from my maternal grandfather’s side of the family. He once admitted he had an aunt with a similar condition to myself and my mom. Genetics is a funny thing, and I mean funny as in ironic.
My condition makes it so overhead projectors I want to take a pickaxe to. For the simple reason they’re nothing but a big light blur to me. I have a very hard time with reading small print. That’s a problem considering there’s so much out there that uses small print these days. Yeah, not a fun time I can say that for certain.
I’ll never be able to drive a car. I am stuck with someone driving me around or taking public transportation. Walking is another option, but it can only get me so far so fast. It’s rather vexing but it’s a fact of life. But to be fair I'm saving a bundle on gas, car payments, and car insurance.
For me the public transportation system is my only lifeline to getting around. Without it getting around would be much slower, and I can’t spend all that much as I’m not a rich man. Which is infuriating for reasons I’ll explain later.
Now it’s also a fact I have Asperger’s syndrome. I only found out about it back in the mid 2000’s. My uncle, that is my stepfather’s brother, ran a school for special needs children. He’d gone to a conference on Asperger’s that year. And that’s how he helped identify what no one had before.
I must confess when I first found out it was terrifying. It horrified me because I thought myself a freak. Then I started to do research into it. And that’s when the specter of my condition dissipated. The old saying does hold true in that knowledge is power.
And knowledge of the self is the greatest power of all.
Asperger’s is a high functioning form of autism. That is, it’s on the higher end of autism spectrum disorder. It got identified in The Diagnostical and Statistical Fifth Edition. That work got released by the American Psychiatric Association.
About what Asperger’s is I'll quote an article from Psychology Today.
“People with high-functioning autism/Asperger's often have difficulty with social situations, and they may not be able to understand the perspectives and feelings of others. However, their language and cognitive skills are often typical.
“People with the condition may also engage in specific, repetitive body movements. They often have an orientation toward detail and an interest in systemizing, which can come across as an obsession. Some may show remarkable facility in a narrowly focused and usually non-social area, such as baseball statistics or train schedules.”
Now here’s how Asperger’s applies to me. I admit I have a hard time with sudden and drastic change. Yeah, I admit sudden change freaks me out a lot. I like to have a measure of certainty in my life. But as of late my life has become more uncertain than ever before.
And I can say from the bottom of my heart I don’t like it. I’ll get more into what's going on later.
Now people with Asperger’s some say have a hard time empathizing with people. In my case I have the opposite problem. If anything, I let things get to me too much my friends have pointed out. That has to do with the fact I want everyone to live their lives in peace and some reasonable measure of happiness. Which is why when friends and family are hurting, especially those closest to me it hits me hard.
I would give someone who is close to me the shirt off my back if it would help them. That’s the kind of caring guy I am.
As an example, some friends of mine left Arizona for North Carolina for financial reasons. And I’ve been helping them out from a financial angle. That’s not to say they aren’t appreciative, they have been. As I said I’d give them the shirt off my back if I thought it would help.
If you’ve read my blog Entry learning from the past you know my biological father and I had issues. On the one hand I received verbal abuse from him. But I also recognize he was as much a victim too. And his death has hit me hard. Again, that’s for reasons I’ll go into later in the essay.
People with Asperger’s some say have issues with money. I admit sometimes I want to go on spending sprees. But I admit there’s been a benefit to having my job as a grocery store clerk. It’s shown me the value of a dollar saved, and a dollar earned. And considering how atrocious this economy is that’s more important than ever.
Social situations can be very awkward for me. On the one hand it’s exciting meeting new people. But in some social situations I can feel very uncomfortable. I get that way when I’m going into a place where people are putting on a phony baloney attitude. Fake people always make me want to back away.
I prefer people who are genuine and honest. That’s the kind of person I am.
Also because of my social awkwardness some days I have major panic attacks. And other days I have this overwhelming feeling of being an outcast. I know that seems surprising from someone who engages in Nerd culture but it’s true. Even among my fellow nerds I can feel like an outcast because of my conditions. I know I shouldn’t, but I do, and I admit that it gets on my nerves.
Why? Because of the simple reason I want to be the best person I can. But more on that later.
Now to the next subject of the essay my fears. And in these uncertain times I have a great number of them hanging over me like a pack of vultures. I’ll do my best to lay them all out and try to do so in an expedient fashion. And some of these fears may surprise you. Some may seem strange and even farfetched.
But deep down I have them because I'm a flawed imperfect person.
The first one is, what will I do when my stepfather and mother are gone. Death is not something I like to talk about. Especially considering my biological father’s passing. But I’ll be frank in that his death has shaken me down to my very soul. It’s brought up issues of parental mortality, a subject I do not relish at all.
Now without going into too much detail I will say this. My stepfather and mom are very responsible people. The house we live in has long since gotten paid off in full. That’s right we own the house we live in! I help pay for groceries and contribute to the house but that's only fair.
But I fear one day when they’re gone someone is going to come along, steal my home, and kick me out. Either by force, by using the power of Government, or some false documentation I’m not aware of. Now to be fair my stepfather and mom have taken precautions against that. But the nagging fear is always there.
Being homeless on the streets is not something I care for. In my neck of the woods the winters can get very cold sometimes. And I don’t like being out on cold nights, or on nights where the heat is unbearable. I like my home, yet the fear is always there.
Also, well I’m not sure how I’ll be able to carry on when my stepfather and mom are gone. Again, I fear that when they’re gone my living situation will fall apart in one grand gesture. Especially considering property taxes where I live are horrible. And there's the fact that well...I care about my stepfather and mom. For all their flaws and imperfections, I care about them.
Another fear is that I’m going to end up alone and forgotten. As much as I appreciate having a roof over my head, I can’t help but want more. I want to share my worlds of the fantastic with others. I want to be the sort of person those with my condition or people who are parents of those like me can say this. “See that, that’s Animeman73. He works hard, he’s good at what he does, and he loves what he does, be more like him!”
Yes, I admit I want to be a role model to others. “You need to shut up and be a good little victim so we can speak for you.” The media so often says.
That arrogant presumptuous attitude irritates me to no end! But more on that later.
I want to inspire more people like me to get into the field of writing. I want to start or help start a writer’s renaissance. Because literacy is important for everyone. And in this age of the Internet, it’s important to read a book and let people turn on the T.V. in their minds. It’s not easy I know, but to be fair nothing is easy especially these days.
I want to better myself from a financial angle. Yes, I’ll come out and say it I want to make more money. To be fair I appreciate my job as a humble courtesy clerk. But between that and other things it’s not the most ideal situation. In fact, I admit that I sometimes feel trapped.
I want to do better and be better. I want to reach the point where I don’t have to depend on the Government for much of anything. I’d like to one day be able to leave my job, on good terms with my employers! I’d also like to leave under circumstances where I can support myself without my current day job.
Charlie Kirk of Turning Point U.S.A. has called Autism an untapped superpower. And I appreciate the sentiment as it offers up some encouragement to go on. Yet the fact remains I’m middle-aged and it sometimes feels like my best days are behind me. Some people I know have said that I haven’t failed. But somedays it feels like no matter how hard I try to succeed I only end up failing.
Some think I demand too much of myself and that could very well be the case. Sometimes when I strive to be the best I can push a little too much. Voice actor and inspiration Austin Tindle once said to me, “Everyone runs their own race.”
Well, sometimes it feels like this race is over before it started. I don’t want to be homeless, penniless, or forgotten. Nor do I want to be without company and that brings me to my next fear.
Now I realize some people can have all the money in the world and not be happy. That's why I can say another fear is I'll never find any happiness. I want to be happy with myself and others around me. A life lived in misery is no life at all. I want to have a reasonable measure of joy and laughter in my life.
One of my biggest fears of all is this. Someday I’m going to say something so horrible that it drives my girlfriend and friends away from me. As I get older, I find I can take being a lone for a certain period. But after a while I need to be around wonderful, glorious, imperfect people.
The idea of being alone, homeless, and friendless is something that terrifies me to no end. A life where I'm a literal outcast is no life for me. Money is great but I also need friends, family, and love in my life. Those are all things that are food for the soul. And the soul is something that must always get cultivated.
I admit that I am a believer in God though I don’t go to any church. I lived through the 1980’s, the time of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker. I know all about the stuff they pulled. And that’s left me with a bad taste in my mouth for organized religion and religious leaders. Also, no disrespect to all the Christians out there as I know they're good people.
But the fact is corrupt leaders have used religion to start wars and other things. I know this seems harsh but do some reading of history. That's an unpleasant fact of things. Throughout history there have been corrupt religious leaders.
Again, I am not saying this to disrespect Christianity. I know most Christians are good people. My girlfriend and one of my best friends are Christian. I have no issue at all with the faith of Jesus Christ the risen savior.
Also, for context I want everyone to know that I recognize not everyone out there thinks the same as me. And that’s okay faith is a personal matter best left to the individual to figure out.
Next there are times where I have a massive case of Imposter syndrome. For all that I’ve accomplished on Minds and alt-tech it all seems like less than enough. I want to and I fear I'll never be able to publish any of my stories or novel ideas in a physical book form. When I see people like Jon Del Arroz and even Orson Scott Card who’ve done so well, I admire them. And then sometimes it feels like I never can do enough.
I realize I shouldn’t measure myself to other people’s standards of success but sometimes it’s hard not to.
Well, I’ve laid out my fears, now how about some of my hopes. I must balance out the bad with the good and show why I’m no victim.
It is true I’m a humble writer. That writing is a part of what helps keep me going in this world even at my distinguished age. If having autism is a superpower, I’ve not seen how it’s helped me or anyone much. And I make it no secret I want my commentaries, reviews, and fiction to get read by people everywhere.
I want to help people with my fiction escape from the world for a while. This world has enough pain and suffering in it as is. Why add to it with lectures and insults? Instead, I’d rather help people escape from the world with my fiction works. And I hope my commentaries and reviews help inspire people.
I know my review of the Last Unicorn encouraged a friend of mine at my Taekwondo school to see it. As it happens, he watched it with his two children. It always does my heart a world of good when people read my stuff and can find inspiration in it. I hope that my work can do more of that for as many people as possible.
I also make it no secret there are some people who I would like to meet. Among them is Eric July AKA YoungRippa59. After talking with him I without a doubt want to meet Jon Del Arroz in person. He is a very nice guy, and I’ve read some of his work. This is a man who knows his craft.
I also would like to meet Jeremy from Geeks & Gamers and the rest of the crew as well.
It would also be fun to meet Benny Johnson. As I’ve said before I am a Republican and I am MAGA. I’ve seen some of his work and he seems like a cool fellow. The problem is travelling to meet them would be difficult. My visual impairment limits my transportation options.
On the geekier side of things these are my hopes. I’d like to one day be able to afford a trip to Anime Matsuri. I understand it’s a great convention with a lot of fun people. I wouldn’t mind going to one to check out the events and critique it for an article. I am after all a con critic.
Also, I’m a Vic Mignogna fan. I’ve met him several times and I’ve watched his work. Vic is a genuine talent and a good man. If I meet him again, I’m going to give that man a hug. He was part of the reason my girlfriend and I got together.
Also, he’s been through so much and he deserves some thanks for all he’s done and to know he’s not alone.
The most important thing is I hope that I'm never without friends, family, or love. I know change is inevitable and we all have a finite amount of time on this mortal plane. I want to overcome my handicaps and strive to live the best life and the happiest life that I can. That's how I prove I'm no victim.
this concludes this month's essay. thank youyou’re your attention.
Thanks for reading this blog entry. I hope I’ve managed to give some insight into the man behind Animeman73. If you liked this article, please press like and share this over social media. Also let me know your thoughts in the comments section. Did I do good or does my writing need improvement?
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Thank you for reading this blog entry. Until next time this is Animeman73 signing off. Stay true to yourselves, stay classy, and God bless you all.
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